The Nameless Culprit
This is my first dude, the spirit of a culprit desperately wanting to hide their identity.
All feedback is appreciated.
The Nameless Culprit
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» The Nameless Culprit
Summary:
The draft of an SCP in form of a case file, dooming those who read about who the culprit was. Looking for some advice and critique.
Make sure you're using its/it's right; its is the possessive, and it's is short for it is. If you're ever in doubt, substitute 'it is' for it's to check.
This just isn't very interesting. The crosslink goes nowhere, and even with it, it's just a guy that murders anyone who looks at his case file. It needs some sort of hook to actually maintain interest through it—maybe the man is actually innocent, maybe he's being forced to kill…there are many routes you could go down with this one. But it needs something else in it, because as is I finished it and almost immediately forgot about it.
Good luck!
Technical Crit here, Story thoughts below.
hazardous-object containment storage at Site-19 at any times
Hazardous object container at Site-19. Works better and is less unweildy.
Because of it's memetic properties, any record not afiliated with the foundation that has information related to the case must be replaced with fake files stating the non existant Dr. Roger Almeit as the culprit
First part before comma is not needed. Reads better as: Any records not affiliated to the Foundation containing information relating to SCP-XXXX are to be replaced with doctored files, listing Dr. Roger Almeit as the culprit.
Any subject affected by SCP-XXXX shall be administrated Class-A amnestics before 15:47 PM.
Generally when you are using 24 hour time there is no need to specify PM or AM. Also where in the world is this? EST, AEST?
Since the anomalous properties of SCP-XXXX only manifest when the object is directly interacted with, no personnel is allowed to do so outside of testing.
Just leave it at: No personnel are allowed to interact with SCP-XXXX outside of testing.
SCP-XXXX has the appeareance of a folder labeled "Incident ██-█"
SCP-XXXX is a folder labelled with the words, 'Incident " Is more clinical and reads better.
The following is the information contained in it:
The information contained within the folder includes;
Reads better that way.
victim was [REDACTED] between 15:30
The redaction makes no sense? We already know he was murdered so why bother redacting that. It adds nothing to the story.
When an individual looks at any information
When an individual views information
More clinical in that manner.
materialize at approximately 3-6 meters from them,
materialize approximately 3-6 meters away from them.
SCP-XXXX-1 inmediate reaction is to assault and murder the subject who looked at the suspect's information.
Not very clinical. SCP-XXXX-1 is extremely hostile and will attempt to assualt subjects who have viewed the suspect information.
after [DATA EXPUNGED]
Its pretty obvious that SCP-XXXX's effect manifested and killed a bunch of people. The data expunged doesnt do much and its better to just outright state: after the manifestation of SCP-XXXX's anomalous effects.
The first addendum doesn't need to be structured in SCP format and should be written normally. i.e. just stating: SCP-XXXX-1 manifests in the form of a tall muscular man wearing a long grey trenchcoat… etc.
s hood independly of the
independantly
of the conditions of the light
Of light conditions.
SCP-XXXX-1, despite being an anomaly, seems to have the physical strength of an average middle aged man.2
Not very clinical. SCP-XXXX-1 appears to possess the physical strength of a healthy middle aged man.
The test logs are largely redundant and do not show any new information to the readers. Only the 3rd log presents any new information however why would the Foundation decide to administer amnestics to the effected person in the first place as it doesn't seem like a logical jump to make for researchers and seems more like a plot device used by the writer of the scp itself, which breaks the immersion of the article.
Overall the idea of the SCP doesn't seem particularly interesting as it is. It's just another thing which if you view it will kill you. The anomaly itself has interesting sections, i.e. how the victim of the original murder will attempt to kill the readers, however it isn't provided with enough support to truly draw the readers in.
You could explore why the victim is killing people who read the files. Maybe it associates them with the murderer? Given a good story this could become quite an interesting read, however as it is its just an effect attached to a murder record which isn't terribly interesting. You state that guards can interact with SCP-XXXX-1, maybe you could explore that avenue further and attempt to use an interrogation to provide a greater insight into the history behind this SCP.
This was more useful that you may think. I specially thank you for the grammar corrections; English is not my first language and sometimes i derp ir out.
And yeah, the review over this one also mentioned that exploring the motives of SCP-XXXX-1 could make it more interesting, and it indeed would.
I'm rewriting this one, again, thank you very much for this!
I think this has potential but it needs more to it. More of a story can be placed into this idea in order for this to work.
Love and light to all.
Malik Coleman, this feedback is too vague to be helpful. What is the "more" that should be added to bring out the work's potential? Is it just the "story" aspect, or does it need more setup, internal consistency, that sort of thing? What kind of story do you think would benefit the idea and make it "work"?
"Is it just the "story" aspect, or does it need more setup, internal consistency, that sort of thing?"
Pretty much… but when I read this, it feels like one of those "Something is off but I can't explain it in words" thing. But I do think that there needs to be more to this skip. Quantity basically.
Love and light to all.
Yeah, other people already pointed this out.
I'm planning on doing an interview to explore more the background of SCP-XXXX-1, i have a feeling this could work in a way. The second draft may be out today (Well, technically you can go into that link and see for yourself how it's developing).
But anyways, thanks for the feedback!
/forum/t-2057624/the-nameless-culprit#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
