(First) SCP draft: An Edible Fungus
Thanks in advance for the feedback.
(First) SCP draft: An Edible Fungus
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» (First) SCP draft: An Edible Fungus
Summary:
Draft for my first SCP idea; seeking (helpful, detailed) critique.
I don't know enough about fungi to comment on the science (besides being one, har-har, dad jokes), and I'm too insomnia-rotted to go on a googling spree, but it seems both authoritative and simple enough for us poor, dumb laymen.
My only beef is that the introduction of Alexylva seems a bit tacked-on. Anomalies associated with the Uni are generally more Greco-Roman/alternate-history than this.
Of course, without the University, you've got a pretty straight-forward, albeit aggressive and body-horror-invoking biology skip. Which means you'd have to get a new hook, or twist, or whatever. So, maybe make the link more explicit- maybe some 'oh shit, we lost out experimental bioweapon' memos from Alexylva.
Or find a new hook. Whatever works.
A bit of shorter crit as I get back to doing crit
Three lines I think could be done slightly better. *not my usual line by line analysis since I lack time today ;p
Under no circumstances may any item or substance used in SCP-XXXX testing be ingested.
One would hope we wouldn't have to tell Foundation scientists that they shouldn't eat things used in anomalous experiments.
, any SCP-XXXX-1 instance still living enters Stage 3.
living SCP-XXXX-1 instances will enter stage 3. Slightly more clinical.
Thirty minutes after infection,1 Stage 1 begins
Stage 1 of infection occurs over the period of 30 minutes. more clincial
General comments
- The fungus does what now? The science used to describe it is way to heavy and a chore to read. Although it probably makes sense to anyone who has studied those area of science, for many other users this is an extremely hard read. I would suggest simplyfing sections describing the stages as well as providing greater footnotes to explain all the technical language. E.g. Sporangia.
- The interview log - refer to my comment on how the Foundation isn't made of a bunch children who are willing to eat anything they see. I highly doubt an experienced MTF team going into an anomaly zone would decide to shoot rabits for fun and eat them.
- The Alexylva university part is perhaps the most interesting section of your skip, however you have redacted everything that could provide it with an interesting story. As your skip stands it has little story besides; this is dangerous and will kill everyone. I recommend expanding on this section and creating a story for your scp.
- The skip suffers from tonal issue, especially when describing the stages of the infection. A lot of it could be reworded or clarified. E.g: spores created as a result will join with the main body of the predator’s SCP-XXXX colony.
I would also recommend getting DrBleep or someone else experienced with microbiology to have a read to confirm your science :)
Also I would be glad to do a reread once you have fixed the issues i noted and provided it with a story, which is what is most lacking at the moment. It has potential, however there are just to many unexplained links - what does Alexanya have to do with anything in this skip at all would be a good route to explore as currently it just feels like a random insert that could be replaced with any other GOI and still make sense.
I did feel like I shoehorned the capture log in for no apparent reason; frankly, I thought I was being funny. Took a second opinion to confirm that. I just axed it. Thanks.
As for everything else, I missed that completely. Kudos for pointing that out; I've redone the draft a bit to include your ideas.
/forum/t-2078929/first-scp-draft:an-edible-fungus#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
