Hey folks, here is the second rewrite of 2546 improved to include a more detailed narrative hook in for PoI-2546-A. Many thanks to Petrograd, Shaggydredlocks, Aideneldritch, Vacuum, Subtletea, Tomatointhemirror, and a bunch more who made this possible. This is version 3.0!
Date: 06 Mar 2017 04:34
Number of posts: 15
RSS: New posts
I liked the original better. The Containment procedures are too long in this version. I felt a virus that turned people into other people was a good enough hook itself.
Still +1, but not as solid.
This actually confuses me a little bit because the containment procedures are pretty much the same length as they were, I just worked in a little more backstory for the POI. Perhaps that destabilized the article a bit, adding to the length, but if I was going to have a person transforming people into doubles of Foundation personnel, thereby tormenting the originals with the knowledge that persons are being robbed of their identity and lives in order to fulfill some sick and twisted attempt at retribution, I needed to really establish a plausible backstory.
This will probably get trimmed some tbh, but I think I like it in its current iteration.
Lets be honest, A retrovirus transforming people into other people > Interesting
A retrovirus that's being used to create doubles of High Ranking Foundation Officials? > Oh shit
A retrovirus being used to torture and harrass Foundation personnel by an unhinged person? > FUCK NO
Saw a couple of capitalization errors in the logs, but other than that I still enjoyed this. +1
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
I've written a tale upvoted by Djoric, Bright, Echo, Yoric, Moose, VAE and Voct, fite me irl if you don't respect
I can be a bit wary of long containment procedures but in this case it was a non-issue, this did a nice job of grabbing my attention and making me want to find out more about this and why these measures were put in place to begin with. This is a great example of what it means to have a narrative worked into the SCP format and I enjoyed the fact that each part of this contained new and interesting information -about both the virus and the person behind it. By the second paragraph, I was intrigued and I feel like it kept up that pacing throughout the rest of the article. I liked the logs a lot as well, and the imagery in the last one solidified my upvote. All in all, good work.
Eh, I don't think the addition of the PoI detail was any particular improvement. Some things are better off as a mystery. (I need to read it through again before re-voting).
I agree, but there were enough people clamoring for some sort of motivation that it became a serious sticking point. I've attempted to leave a lot of the mystery about who this person is, and how exactly they are doing these things in the shadows, while giving a sufficient why.
So, overall it's pretty good. However, I preferred the mystery of the last version. Everything about the PoI comes off as tacked on, and everything about 'fire' doesn't gel with the rest of the article. If this was going to be about someone vicariously torturing Foundation personnel for a perceived wrong, I'd prefer it (the wrong) to align in some way with their method of retribution.
The effort to move it away from 'log of creepy because "wooooo", and give it some purpose or meaning is appreciated, but it falls flat in the execution. As it stands, I'm not sure how losing one's family, and being disfigured equates to a loss of individuality and being physically/mentally subsumed by your partner. The ideas don't jive together, imo.
No-vote for now.
I like it, but that bit about the stars dancing in the one note just made me roll my eyes. Maybe I'm just tired of the crazed fanatic writing style (especially after seeing it throughout The Cool War) Other than that it's very interesting and I'm excited to see where it goes.
The patient zero link is broken
I actually had a tale up that that linked to, but I took it down because it didn't hit the tone that I wanted to nab right, and had some other issues. I'm removing the link, if I ever get it edited and posted again, I'll probably add the link back in.