This is a good example of a decent story, decently told… but also a good example of a story that is crying out for more interesting detail (a la Gear's "Marinas Trench" tale) but just doesn't deliver enough.
I actually would like to see a slightly different draft of this. As it stands, it doesn't merit either an upvote or a downvote.
edit: and yes, I know it's old, but it's never too late for a good rewrite! :D
editx2: actually, on reread, I like it enough to upvote. But my feedback above still applies.