SCP Foundation

Comments made as I read:

• I'd put the current containment procedures before the archived ones, however, I'm personally not a big fan of collapsibles in the containment procedures. Though it's a nitpick, perhaps that information could better be relayed through an addendum? Explaining how they need to be updated, what occurred, what was changed, etc.
• This rather quickly goes from the singular SCP-XXXX to SCP-XXXX's without explaining that SCP-XXXX is a collective designation for multiple different instances. That could be better clarified in the description.
• Another nitpick, letting something roam around the Foundation is not something I ever see happening. The idea of something doing whatever it wants until something goes horribly wrong isn't exactly a new or exciting twist either. It's been done several times over by now, with SCP-1048 being a popular example.
• As for the collection phase, define trance state. Will it actively avoid personnel? Will it disregard them entirely?
• During the construction portion, where does it usually keep these "tools"?
• SCP-XXXX-A should be described way earlier, otherwise it makes the "transfer" phase hard to follow.
• Instead of the snippets of conversation this alludes to when describing the before and after effects of a -1 event, I'd like to see an interview log with this thing instead. It would also help get rid of some of the bloat in the description.
• Instead of this entity being compelled to do these events, perhaps it has its own motivations? It's much more interesting when something does strange/terrible things because it wants to, not because it's forced to.
• The [DATA EXPUNGED] kind of comes out of nowhere in that list, can't say I'm fond of its use there.
• Same thing as above applies with the description of -A. The expungements/redactions get kind of grating when used that often in a small passage. This also goes for its creation, the only hint of why this thing is anomalous is expunged and kind of ruins what threads of narrative are presented there. I'd recommend fleshing that out instead.
• A lot of the notes in here could be replaced with testing logs or observation logs, which again, would get rid of some of the bloat in the description.
• Can't say I'm a huge fan of Incident XXXX-Charlie. How does this thing possess the ability to disarm trained professional and navigate the site without any prior information or training on the matter? It just seems a bit off to me.
• A question that came up in the final addendum was: "Why are they letting this thing attempt to breach containment?" Just seems a bit strange.

I feel like if a lot of what I pointed out was cut down or presented in another manner that this could potentially be interesting, but as is, it's a bit bloated and the interesting bits -like its creation and purpose- are all expunged and it kind of ruins it for me. For now, I recommend working on presenting the information in a different manner and working on developing an actual story and motive to go along with this. The tone here is okay, but all of the researcher's notes, crossed out text, and previous procedures kind of ruin it at times. Generally, if new information is being presented, I'd rather see that done via an addendum, but that's a personal nitpick, not something you have to change.

Said cell is to be hermetically sealed to prevent contamination from foreign elements.

What would be the purpose of this? Seems a bit like overkill.

SCP-XXXX is not allowed to interact with any member of Site-17 personnel for any reason.

Since it's locked up to begin with, I don't think anyone would be interacting with it so this line could be omitted.

SCP-XXXX does not appear to require any kind of sustenance, so none is to be provided.

I'd just say something like: SCP-XXXX does not require sustenance.

For at least one (1) hour per day, as a reward for good behavior, SCP-XXXX has the choice to freely roam Site-17 and interact with personnel.

Still can't say I'm a huge fan of this. Honestly, I think this article as a whole would benefit if it got away from the whole "X was allowed to do what it wanted until something bad happened" thing. Otherwise, I'm a bit reminded of SCP-1048 in the sense that the same thing happened in it and both these anomalous share the same trait of making other versions of themselves.

SCP-XXXX stands at 1.2 meters tall and is fully capable of movement and speech

I'd change the first part of this to say: SCP-XXXX is 1.2 meters tall

SCP-XXXX's appearance varies from instance to instance.

Still think a note should be made saying that SCP-XXXX is a collective designation.

—When not in the process of an SCP-XXXX-1 event, SCP-XXXX has been reported to be polite to Foundation staff, often offering to help when it feels that it is needed. SCP-XXXX is rude to all Foundation staff, often making derogatory comments towards personnel. — SCP-XXXX is inadvertently hostile towards the Foundation.

I'd take this out, honestly. This ties back in with my point about this straying too close to 1048.

SCP-XXXX-A appears to be the source of SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties, apparently rotating itself using an unknown energy source to power SCP-XXXX.

Couldn't observation be used to find out whether or not this was the case?

Direct analysis is impossible, since SCP-XXXX-A is always sealed within a chamber within SCP-XXXX locked in a way not yet understood, and attempting contact with SCP-XXXX-A during the Transfer phase of SCP-XXXX-1 will result in [DATA REDACTED].

They couldn't observe it outside of its containment cell? Or try to inquire about its source of power since it is capable of speech?

SCP-XXXX will disregard personnel, and has been noted to simply walk around them in the search of materials.

The tone at the end of the article slips a bit, I'd just say it actively avoids them along with disregarding them.

SCP-XXXX will often deploy various tools from within itself that it has been either unable or unwilling to deploy not during an SCP-XXXX-1 event.

I'd still like to know where these tools are stored otherwise.

eight (8) seconds later

The 8 is a bit unnecessary, if a number is less than ten writing it out is fine.

For all intents and purposes, this new automaton is now SCP-XXXX.

Eh, isn't is just an instance of SCP-XXXX? Or does the old addition vanish or cease its anomalous properties? This could be explained better.

after his wife had a miscarriage, SCP-XXXX-B fell into depression, and spent most of his time creating sculptures. He created an approximate ██ sculptures out of various materials, one of these sculptures being SCP-XXXX

Are any of the other sculptures anomalous or was this the only one? If so, what made this one anomalous compared to the others? Was it created differently or for a sole purpose? This could be an interesting narrative thread to further explore.

Side note: You don't need to make the interviews separate pages. Just put them in a collapsible.

In the first interview, how would the interviewer know what the entity calls its transformations if they didn't know it could speak English? As an aside, I snorted over the spray tan line, in a good way. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the second interview of the last few addenda for that matter. I kind of like the idea that this thing is just generally curious and trying to be helpful rather than trying to harm people for no apparent reason. It seems to go against its original motive and feels kind of forced? I dunno, I just think it could be refreshing to see something not just randomly develop a hostile will towards personnel, rather it just maintains its idle curiosity and continuously tries to better itself.

This is a marked improvement over the previous draft though, and I'm glad to see a couple of things I brought up have been fixed, but I still feel as if the general direction of this could use some improvement. To be specific, is this going to follow the route of the first interview log and the motive that is revealed for this entity, or is it going to follow what we see in the secondary log? I personally prefer the first interview and the general direction being taken there, but I suggest picking one and remaining consistent throughout the rest of the draft, as is, it feels a bit disjointed.

As always, feel free to send me a PM once this has been revised!

Alright, since the message was referring to the addenda specifically, that's what I'm going to be taking a look at. So let's see what we've got:

Thoughts on addendum 1:

It is unknown how SCP-XXXX-B managed to harness SCP-██, not how he managed to delay its effect for so long.

This is a bit confusing and could be worded better.

Overall:

Better, not great, but better. I think a recovery log actually might be beneficial here. That way, rather than telling the reader what happened, they could find that information as the individual in the log does. It would also be the first chance the reader had at seeing how this scip acts once it is discovered. The amount of telling rather than showing remains my biggest quibble with this. You might want to get another opinion on that since I know that could technically be a nitpick, though. As an aside, I almost want to see a photo of this amongst the other, non-anomalous sculptures? I dunno if you could find/make one, but it would be nice to see.

Thoughts on addendum 2:

• The title of the collapsible is a bit strange and oddly specific, I'd just go with either "Access/Close Addendum" or "Input Credentials" or something to that affect.
• I'd kind of like to know a bit more about the scip and its relationship with its creator, as well as maybe having a list of improvements it has attempted/successfully undergone. That could be presented in a table, for example.

Thoughts on addendum 3:

Could be more specific. What sort of updates did the scip attempt to integrate into itself? Was it moderately successful? What were the results? How did this scip feel after it was complete?

Thoughts on addendum 4:

*What is the difference between the mechanical and electrical components? What do they control?

On 08/██/2014, SCP-XXXX asked to meet with SCP-1360, saying that it wanted to "cheer it up". It is of note that SCP-XXXX was not informed of SCP-1360's existence. An observation of SCP-XXXX's innards revealed an electric signal interception system in the model of a standard Foundation [DATA REDACTED]. SCP-XXXX's containment procedures were revised, and SCP-XXXX has not displayed any information breaches since.

But if it didn't have the functionality necessary to compete with modern technology like cars, how would it be able to pull this off? Seems a bit farfetched.

Thoughts on addendum 5:

• Same thing here with the name of the collapsible.
• While some of the interaction between this thing and the researcher are borderline cute -which is refreshing, I must say- some of it feels a little bit…forced? Like this section:

(interrupting) Oh, but you have not let me proceed to the next part! It was wonderful, once I put the first electronics in! It was like I had been blind my whole life, and now I could see! Do you want to know how many new, alien types of mathematics that I learned?

Anomalous or not, I just have a hard time seeing this said in a normal conversation. Something that came to mind that would be an interesting quirk and a way to further encourage this to interact with this researcher would be for it to requests information about different technologies, like via magazines or brochures and the like. Not saying it would necessarily gain access to them, but it would provide a bit more of a reasonable explanation for how this entity gained this knowledge since observation alone wouldn't necessarily reveal a machine's inner functions. Just a thought.

So, all in all, this is looking much better. I recommend working on those parts and overall presentation for now, then going back and making sure that everything in the containment procedures and description is cohesive and consistent with what additions are being made to the addenda. Whenever that has been completed, feel free to PM me as usual. Hope this helps!