Well, here goes nothing. Its been almost a year since I've written a proper SCP article (tales are a hell of a drug, kids) and the 3000 Contest seemed like as good a time as any to try my hand at the bread and butter of the site again. Enjoy
Special thanks to all the following who reviewed this article when it was still a draft:
TyGently, Sirens, Cyantreuse, AbsentmindedNihilist, Zyn, Lazar Lyusternik, Lex1nat0r, minmin, OZ Ouroboros, LilyFlower, SpectralDragon, Agent MacLeod, ProcyonLotor, Shaggydredlocks, DrBleep, This Is War, DrMagnus, djkaktus, and tretter
Extra special bonus thanks to Roget, A Random Day, and Aiden Eldritch for all reviewing this and providing a ton of feedback. The article would not look half as polished as it currently does without you.
Here is to a fun article to write, and a very fun rest of the contest.