Okay, so I've got to say, the concept is not particularly interesting, and there's no intriguing story to concept for the 'thing (a monster/humanoid) that does a thing (kills via theft of shadows)' idea. What story are you trying to tell in this article? The idea of shadows being connected to the soul or even just connected to the sole (for example, in Peter Pan, where the shadow traditionally gets sown on at the base of his feet) is a tale as old as time, so I suggest you do some research to see if you can translate any of this more traditional story telling into your article.
More in-depth feedback below.
Thanks, I will take all of this into advice. I will revise the article and then see what you think of it. Once again, thank you for the advice.
No worries (: just remember to post here when you've updated, please don't make a whole new board!
I see what you mean and believe that I didn't particularly think this through. Thanks for this advice especially.
Don't worry I wont!
Also, I could use some help on getting ideas for how SCP-XXXX was made and how to explain it. That would be extremely helpful.
Is there a reason your sandbox is named "deleted"? Would you like some help fixing that?
Yeah I noticed that too. Earlier I tried to delete my old post, and nothing happened except it added the word "deleted" to the URL. If you could help me that would be great.
Never mind I fixed it myself.
Alpha-2, instead of posting multiple comments in succession, please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That prevents spam buildup, and it's in the rules.
Also, if you're continuing a conversation, you can click the "reply" link at the lower right of the comment you're responding to. Helps so people are sure of who you're talking to. If you make a new comment, forum-goers assume you're talking to everyone reading the thread, not necessarily in reply to someone.
ETA: also, uh… you've incorrectly renamed your sandbox. To passersby, it looks like the box belongs to someone with the wikidot username "The Butchers Shadow". Your username is supposed to be in the sandbox url, as noted on the front page guidelines of the sandbox site.
Sorry about that, I am somewhat new to all of this.
No worries. Feedback incoming.
Okay, here we go, comments made as I read.
- fully-lit needs a hyphen.
- "SCP-XXXX's chamber should be the first one tended to" > What does "tended to" mean? You've already got the backup generators. Also, "first one tended to" sounds… overly casual. Remember, this should sound like a professional scientist is writing it.
- "the spotlight's bulb should be changed periodically by a robot" > there was no mention of a spotlight. Also, why is a robot needed?
- "Long life bulbs" > needs hyphen. Long-life.
- "should be used in order to keep SCP-XXXX from attempting to escape during maintenance." > if this is such an issue, why are bothering with bulbs? Why not some fancy LEDs or the like?
- "In the event of a containment breach, all personnel should be equipped with a high powered flashlight in order to find and re contain it." > "re-contain". Also, usage of "it" makes it look like the containment breach itself needs to be re-contained. Sloppy wording.
I won't nitpick the description, but overall the writing needs quite a bit of work for clinical tone. Stuff I noticed:
- It's just a standard shadow monster. We've got a lot of stuff like that already.
- You should avoid telling the audience how to feel. Stuff like "This is to be considered a potential threat, since we have yet to learn were he goes." is information the audience should figure out for themselves, rather than being shoved int he fact with "THIS IS A THREAT, THIS IS WHY" that makes it too obvious and the article feels like it's trying too hard to scare people.
- Why is the entire last paragraph in italics? There's no speaker mentioned, so I have no idea who's giving the account of this backstory.
Humanoids, especially violent monster-type ones, are actually among the most difficult types of articles to write successfully; if you're really set on writing one, then first take a look at the humanoid writing guide if you haven't yet.
Also, the writing sounds rather unprofessional. Have you taken any high school AP-level writing classes before?
To answer your last question, no. I have not even started high school yet but will soon. Also, your comment stating, "It's just a standard shadow monster. We've got a lot of stuff like that already." Does this mean I should give up on the idea completely? I did not think about the whole LED thing and will work on that.
To answer your last question, no. I have not even started high school yet but will soon.
What grade are you in currently? Most writers on the site have at least some college-level writing experience, so you might benefit from doing some outside reading on professional tone and wording before writing for the site.
Also, your comment stating, "It's just a standard shadow monster. We've got a lot of stuff like that already." Does this mean I should give up on the idea completely?
It depends on how much effort you're willing to put into the idea. If you don't mind doing some extra work to make sure what you have here is unique enough to stand out from the extant articles, then by all means keep working on it. The Ideas and Brainstorming forums can help you.
I did not think about the whole LED thing and will work on that.
Research is always important when writing science-based fiction! If you'd like some assistance with real-world information for SCP articles, you can try the Research and Resources forum.
Ok, thank you! Also, I am in 7th grade but really enjoy writing things like this.