http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/alexander-kuvizin-19 I would like to know if I have made any of mistakes in the updated article. Thank you a lot for having a time to read and give a feedback with an article. Your help is for sure considers the greatest :).
Hi author (:
I saw this originally posted on the mainlist - it's good that you didn't take the deletion badly and that you're willing to get some feedback, so I'm happy to give you an in-depth critique I hope will help you.
Hello Zachary. Thank you so much for reading the whole SCP article and correcting the mistakes that I have made it. By the way taking the deletion badly? Why should I take it badly? Of course the article should be well rechecked before posting on the main page. I did not knew about the Sandbox, somehow I must have misread it or did not payed close attention. I currently correcting everything what you have explained to me, some of your sentences made me laugh like :Okay, there's a lot wrong with this sentence… So yes I really appreciate for your help, but I had a question. As a humanoid objects must use It and its, but about SCP-029 the author uses she, her in the sentences. Is it because she considers to be a human since the description says that she is pubescent female of Asiatic-Indian descent? So he is allowed to put " she " since she is not a humanoid? Again thank you so much for your help, for reading the whole SCP article and make every corrections.
So, the whole he/she vs. it in terms of SCP writing has been kind of contentious. The use of 'it' intentionally dehumanizes a humanoid SCP - one may have researchers (in interviews, for example) use he/she but the documentation itself uses it. This is the format I usually use.
It's a tone decision on your part - both ways can work.
No worries, and you'd be surprised just how badly some people take deletion ;) Seeking help, that you want to continue, is a great sign.
You could do as Lazar suggested, and you should of course include if 'she' refers to herself as 'she' or if 'she' biologically presents as female - for a 'human alien', we don't know how far you personally feel they present as biologically similar to a female, for example.
It's more that the report should refer to the SCP object as 'it' (most preferably) or 'they', although the use of a multiple person pronoun for one 'person' even confuses people in the 'real world', let alone people reading through a pseudo-scientific article. It may be that your researcher/s realise the human-gender element of SCP-XXXX and have no problems saying 'her', or 'she' during interviews - that's somewhat passable, although using their SCP number as a reference is always preferable.
So, like Lazar said, it's somewhat a tone issue. But, even though varieties where SCP articles are referred to as their genders do exist, they tend to be the older articles, and it may sway people to be less likely to up-vote than if you were to simply throw in the towel over the gender issue.
I apologize for creating a new draft, I thought you were supposed to do that way. I understood now how it all works. Need to update your original draft.
Alright, got a PM about this, here we go. Comments made as I read.
- The containment is excessively specific. What happens if the containment chamber is a few centimeters off of the measurements? What if it gets to 19.5 degrees Celsius? If nothing terrible will happen if those requirements aren't met, there's no need to specify. If you really want to have measurements in there, give an appropriate range.
- "guarded by at least one armed guard" > redundant. Try "at least one armed guard is stationed at…" Also, does this poor guard have to stand there all day, or are there rotating shifts?
- "SCP-2594 must be fed at least twice a day on weekdays and once a day on weekends with any type of human food." > doesn't really make sense, given that humans have created some pretty disgusting foods. Just note that it's to be fed according to the on-site dietician's orders or something.
- "No high containment is needed for SCP-2594, as its main weapon ( SCP-2594-1 ) was removed from both of it hands and contained on the level below of SCP-2594 containment chamber." > take this out. It's not a direct instruction, and the bit about the weapon belongs in the description.
- "At this period of time SCP-2594 was classified as "Safe" object class." > also not an instruction. Should not be in the containment.
- Who has access to this thing? Level-2 researchers? Level-3? No one?
- "A lighting should be provided inside the locker" > "the locker is to be lit by"
- "Kichler 18W Xenon Light Bulb" > why? What about this bulb makes it so good at containment in this context?
- "well cleaned on every Sunday at 21:00 by a janitor" > …why? Why is Sunday such a good day? Also, well-cleaned needs a hyphen. And why can only a janitor do this? Why not just state "the locker is to be cleaned weekly"?
There are several other recurring grammatical errors, but I'll move on to general things about the description. First off, try to put what the SCP object is and does before noting the recovery process. That bit about being discovered in Greenland should go after the audience actually knows what the thing is.
The description overall reads like a mixture of a video game description and maybe a dating site profile. You've got overly casual wording like "strong and elite like looking type of armor" (different people have different ideas of what looks "strong" and "elite", and "elite" isn't really a word you'd use to objectively describe armor, so far as I know). Overall, it just seems like a dangerous humanoid, and we've already got a lot of those. The interview is kind of boring because the self-righteous "I kill people because they're bad [for some reason]" backstory doesn't really make me like the character very much at all.
Have you read the humanoid writing guide yet, by chance? Also, did you get the base idea looked at in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before starting the draft?