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http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/dr-philipe-idea-2
Ok guys, here's the link.
Remember, i just did this so you peope can have some idea of what i'm talking about. This is still very far from the actual thing i'll post.
(I know, grammar's bad)
Anyway, this is just to give a basic idea
(I know, grammar's bad)
Honestly, this might be my biggest problem with the whole thing. It's hard to take you seriously when I can barely understand what you're trying to say. I'm guessing English isn't your first language, so I'd recommend copy-pasting what you write into a google docs sheet and correct what it catches, because it's a lot easier to find and point out the underlying issues that an article has when the critic doesn't have to figure out what the article is.
I said its only a ultra early draft to talk about the BASIC material
It being a rough draft isn't an excuse for not properly editing. Simply put, this is a bad overall first impression, mostly because it sends the notion that you're not putting much effort into your work. It's even more frustrating when you do put some effort into what you're doing (as is shown by you adding addenda and an interview) but since you aren't putting work into QA, no one can give any actual feedback.
And it isn't like self editing isn't important at this stage, as it builds good habits such as recognizing what works and what doesn't before you commit to putting it in your article. Self spell/grammar checking also helps make sure that you don't make those same mistakes in the future.
Aside from the formatting and grammar issues, there isn't any substance to this. It's just a thing that does a thing, with nothing unexpected to it that would make it interesting.
Also, I would suggest putting more effort into a draft before posting it. It's hard to critique something when the writer says it is unfinished, and only the super basic core idea is there.
I write stuff. Yipee.
You took none of the advice I gave you in the earlier thread, and as such this is very bland and forgettable. It's no different than the dozens of items in comics, video games, and fantasy stories that do the exact same thing. There's no narrative basis to it whatsoever - nothing that interests a reader at all.
Oh boy.
I just posted this to gae a basic idea.
Also, there can be no way that it's just "bland"
I mean.
We did every kind of SCP possible.
SCPs that kill,heal,help
I'm just trying to be actually original instead of doing another "SCP That kills"
Also, there can be no way that it's just "bland"
Given that this is a rough draft with no explanation of what you want to do with it, yes, it can be incredibly bland.
We did every kind of SCP possible.
Trust me, we haven't. If we had, the entire writing industry would be devoid of anything original. Really, I think you're just getting caught up on the item, instead of focusing on the story you want to tell with it.
I'm just trying to be actually original instead of doing another "SCP That kills"
But even if you have the most original idea ever, you don't seem to have an idea of what you want to do with it.
You posted your basic idea, and got a lot of feedback and help, in the Ideas Forum. The Drafts forum is more for 'here's a more developed idea, what do you think?' You've got to expect feedback on your spelling and grammar, as well as the idea, which really doesn't have a strong narrative. The Foundation has moved on a lot more from 'this thing that does this'. Have you read some of Series III articles? You'll notice that, compared to Series I, we're much more concentrated on telling stories via the process of articles.
I'll give you more in-depth feedback but, based on your reaction so far, you probably won't like it very much. But feedback is why you're here, so take the help people offer you out of their free time with some dignity and respect, please.
SCP-XXXX Is to be contained in a 6x6m cell in Site 15.
Cells are 3D objects, so you need three figures there, not two. 6m x 6m x ?m
All interaction must be approved by Dr.Helmn
It's not good to have one named doctor associated with an SCP object, simply because, in-universe, that doctor may get sick, die, or just transfer. Saying 'All interaction/testing must be approved by Level 3 Personnel' or 'the Project Head' is fine.
**Description:
Formatting is off here.
SCP-XXXX Is an large MRI Machine,found in the public hospital of ████████.
Your spelling and grammar is all over the place. It is hard for people to read and review fairly when this needs a major, major change. If you need help with English, you can find help online based on your age/grade. But it's not fair to jump on people who are, fairly, talking about your SPAG issues.
So here, for example, it should be 'SCP-XXXX is a large MRI machine, found in the public hospital of [BLANK].'
Additionally, how 'large'? MRI machines are, by nature, large, so if it's natural, you don't need to include it. If it's unusually large, you should include the measurements.
During the time SCP-XXXX is active,a large quantity of energy will be used.
'Energy' is vague here. I assume you mean electricity, but you may need to clarify. It would also be good if you clarified if it used more electricity than usual, as MRI machines are naturally power drainers.
The tests don't really add anything. They're dull. So basically, the longer a living subject is in the machine, the higher chance for side effects, that's what I'm getting from this. But there's nothing else to get from this. There's nothing interesting to keep the reader, reading. It just makes the item go away, then come back. Bing. Nothing. If you look at a similar item, SCP-294, the concept of it on paper is rather dull, but the tests save it from being that way. What could you add to your idea to give it more of a narrative, a story?
Thanks for the feedback.
Anyway, i know the grammar is bad, but that's not how it'll be once the Draft is at least 70%.
I'm around what,30%?
This is why i posted it.
So i can upgrade the main idea,instead of staying in the idea And brainstorming thread,where people can only give the "How does your SCP change the foundation? What is it history"
This, is the type of feedback i needed.
But you do need to add some sort of narrative. It doesn't have to be the history - the history is just one way you can do it. Plenty of people tell an active, dynamic story about what happened to the object after containment - Test Logs are one way, for example.
But, at the very basic level, your item currently is not interesting. It doesn't really do anything. Beyond the side effects on living beings, you may as well just put whatever it is under a cardboard box and ignore it for two hours, and you'd get the same outcome.
Yeah i know
But any idea on HOW to make it interesting?
I mean, it kinda CAN be interesting
Well, what story are you trying to tell here? Why should this thing exist? How it it unique? Who made it, and why? How can you make the effects of it more interesting?
Note - You don't have to add all these details to the actual article. But, as the writer, knowing the hypothetical past and the reason for this thing existing will help you develop a better narrative.
Hm.Maybe it could, i don't know..
Be in reality an "Teleporter" to another dimension?
That was my plan.
That's one idea, and something you can develop, but I would state that we have many SCP articles labelled teleportation.
You could read some of them to both see if it can help you develop your ideas, and that your plans aren't too similar to something that already exists.
People may also be tired of teleportation the same way things with a compulsive effect are overdone, but at least it's one idea that doesn't mean you're basically putting items/animals into a MRI machine for x amount of time with nothing really happening.
I didn't mean really an teleporter.
It's more like
Another dimension.
I would like to explore it..
I'm thinking about what it could have IN the dimension.
Even more extra-dimensional articles. Possibly more than teleportation, even.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying at all it can't be done. I'm saying you should read as many of these as possible, particularly Series III and later Series II, and you may be able to get more ideas about what to do. If you write well, give an interesting and unique narrative (instead of focusing so much on the physical object), you can change even a well-used idea into something different and new.
Yeah
You know, this would have been much Easier.
Sadly,i'm not a Native English Speaker.
Still, i know how to get the grammar to work (I didn't do that yet)
But, it'll take some time for me to Write it.
The SCP Forum of my country is just so damn inactive….
This is why i came here
If you need help with EFL, there'll be help for you online. I don't know where exactly as I am a native English speaker, and I can't imagine how hard it is to learn English as a second language.
Is there maybe a teacher or a bilingual friend you can share your work with who can help your with your SPAG? It does make it harder for people to read and review. Fixing your grammar won't save this particular article as it is, but it would make it seem more professional and it would mean people are focusing on the idea, and not the English language issues.
Still, i know how to get the grammar to work (I didn't do that yet)
Grammar is one of the most basic parts of writing. If an author doesn't bother getting something as simple as that done right, reviewers are going to have a much harder time trying to read the document.
Simple but obvious mistakes can distract a reader and give them a negative view of the quality of an article before they even finish reading it. If you know how to write with proper grammar, then you should do so.
I'm a writing tutor for my school and I have a lot of experience with helping to make edits for grammar and spelling, as well as helping your drafts to read more smoothly and cohesively. Feel free to PM me once you have a finished draft, and I can do a line by line for you.
Guys, i had an idea.
What if the dimension was home to some kind of monster?
Like.
The only way to see the dimension would be to Invert the colors and add a Green tone (to see the lines of the objects like it's night vision)
Something like that.
I was thinking of giant spiders,but there's SCP-278 already..
Unfortunately, I can see this becoming a generic "monster of the week" scip if you go this way. That isn't to say it can't be done, or shouldn't be done, just that it's very difficult to do.
The only way to see the dimension would be to Invert the colors and add a Green tone (to see the lines of the objects like it's night vision)
Something like that.
I'm not sure what you mean by this, do you mean by inverting the colors on the MRI display? Because if the colors are visible, you can see the dimension, even if it's not in the right color palette.
I also have to ask why the foundation would try to do that, because it's very counter-intuitive. Keep in mind, you know the whole story, the foundation doesn't, and has to figure it out by themselves.
That said, I wish you the best of luck.
EDIT: Also, I think it would be better to post this to your ideas thread, as this thread only discusses the draft.
