SCP Foundation

friends idea

I was unsure if the SPAG issues were intentional as a kid may write, or legitimate mistakes. I decided that I'd rather point out the problems as it doesn't come across as clear if there are purposeful. So here, 'friend's idea', if it was only one friend.

My name? Well, I’m Damon.

Won't they already know from reading their blog? I found it hard to believe that a panicked kid got home, spent the time (even though it's only a short amount of time) signing up to a blogging site, and then this happened to be their first post. Even more so if it was on any sort of social media, where some form of name is attached. This breaks the fourth wall as it feels like Damon is being introduced unnaturally to the audience, not naturally in his blog.

But I ain’t telling my full name given the situation I’m in.

People generally don't type how they speak. Some things do transfer over, but, if Damon were an 'ain't' user casually, I would find it more than once in this text. Instead, it feels like you got too much into the 'tough kid' moment, so the 'ain't' just doesn't work.

His name is Josh.

I don't feel that 'Josh' needs this much lead-up. Damon is meant to be writing in a somewhat panicked, anxious way. Thinking in this way, no-one cares if he met Josh when they accidentally swapped shoes after gym in kindergarten or if they're forced together due to their parents. Again, because of the format you've chosen to write this in, it feels like you're clumsily introducing their relationship to us, the audience, rather than his blog readers.

As normal as his name sounds, he’s anything but normal.

A totally unneeded, weird line.

And my moms

Does he have two mums (which is fine) or is this a typo and you just meant 'mum'? 'Mom', sorry.

He tells me all these weird theories he comes up with at school, and they’re too ridiculous for me to even tell you about.

Yet, despite the apparent frantic excitement he's typing with, he's already told us about at least one of these theories. There's world/character building, and then there's going back totally on what you said in one line.

My parents where going to be gone for two weeks (because my Aunt was throwing some adult-only party.),

No full stop needed. Again, is this additional information someone in this situation would really take time to include?

I was expecting it to be my brother, who's overseas in Sweden for some college trip

Weird overshare. From what I understand when I read it the first time, this guy is shaken by what he's seen and wants people to learn from his mistake - by basically including a step-by-step guide of what mistakes they made - so these little details feel weird. If you were writing this as a different narrative, not in blog-form, this sort of world-building would be okay and could fit in naturally; in this case, it feels strange and unnatural.

Obamas a gecko?”

'Obama's a gecko'. Though I do think I now have a name for my new gecko…

I was surfing [SITE CENSORED], alright

I assume this was edited after The Foundation got hold of it. If it wasn't, and/or The Foundation simply removed the blog, why would it be censored? It's okay to blur the fourth wall by saying he was surfing whatever site it was.

I heard the click of his mouse.

Again, you're doing this in blog form. This reads more like a creepypasta than it does a legit blog. Most people would go 'he phoned me and said he was looking at this site, [BLANK]. I was annoyed because of the early hour, but I asked he sent me the link. And then…blah etc.' Most people don't remember, nor record, their conversations over the phone word by word, especially in a casual blog.

Below that where a whole bunch of links, for different levels of security I’d assume.

Why would he instantly think that? Remember, you know about The Foundation and how the site works, but he doesn't. Why would he believe these links were for 'different levels of security'. Also, remember, you're writing in past tense. He now knows what those links are. We don't need to know what he thought they were.

"…Really? That sounds like a shitty creepypasta plot."

Yes, it does. And, with the increasing amount of exact dialogue over a Skype call, this is too. You said this is a blog, but it's only written like it's a blog maybe 40% of the time. The awkward character/world-building, the changes in tense, the exact dialogue that Damon can apparently recall perfectly - it all doesn't fit in with a blogging format.

I scrolled through it looking at various codes, until I clicked on one that said “SCP-106”.

I appreciate you used SCP-106 because it was well-known and because of the fitting photo for later, but I hesitate about articles/Tales that cross-link to very well known SCP articles. It feels like it's piggybacking, because there's many more unnerving SCPs articles that aren't from the first series. Just something to think about.

Now, I don’t even think I can explain all the freaky shit I saw. [Goes on to explain everything SCP-106 is about].

That doesn't make any sense to me. I get when you're typing casually, sometimes you say something and then go on to explain it anyway, but it feels more like you're trying to express discomfort and not doing so particularly well here.

I clicked off that one, and kept scrolling through, reading various entries, disgusted and traumatized by the pages I was reading.

So disgusted and 'traumatised' (that's a very strong word) that he kept reading, despite the fact he already doesn't have a good relationship with Josh, he doesn't believe any of it, and it's 2am?

“Why’d you hang up?”
“That weird ass website crashed my phone.”
“What the hell?”
“Yeah man. Scary as balls. Saw some weird shit.”
“Like?”

Again with the perfect, word for word dialogue. Whenever you recall a chat or phone call to someone, either in conversation or text form, do you remember everything that was said exactly? Unless it was huge news (like a birth or a death), I really doubt you do. So how does your character do so? It's more about it fitting into a blog form, again.

The overuse of word-perfect dialogue is really taking away any believability that this is a blog post, to me. If you wrote it in another narrative, such as a third person fictional Tale, this would be possible to understand. As a blog? Just doesn't make any sense.

Coordinates are [CENSORED].

Again, if the blog has been deleted, who censored this and why?

"Looking at a map they have, it shows the location of a few sites."

We have a map? (I mean, we do, but not an exact one). I know you're trying to stretch the ability of The Foundation to actually be real and for some random kids (not even 'hackers', just some random kids) to stumble across real information, but this feels like you're stretching it too far. Josh, as far as I can tell, didn't even have to do any sort of awkward sci-fi hacking - he simply found the information. It feels like this isn't really…right, even in a fictional Tale. I'd add on that I'm not thinking you should make one of them some wonderkin hacker, because that can be hard to write sincerely, though is done well in the Gamers Against Weed Tales.

Did we really wanna piss with a top secret organization?

Probably just a phrase I haven't heard of before, but I've not heard/read 'piss' being used in that way. Why not 'mess with', or 'fuck with'? (I'm getting to your fuck word eventually).

“Come on. It might be fun.”
“True, true. Lets do this at 12.”

Well, he was easily persuaded.

I played Call of Duty to pass the time.

We don't need to know.

That site messed it up, practically bricked it.

I don't know if a phone can be 'practically bricked', and I also find it hard to believe that stumbling across such information could damage a phone in such a way. I mean, hell, people use their phone to go on the Deep Web with little to no protection, and their phones are normally fine.

Blah blah, more word for word dialogue, you know my thoughts on this by now ;)

we’d do if we where right.

'we'd do if we 'were' right'. Additionally, much like we don't need to know he was playing CoD, we also don't need to know anything about their bike ride unless something plot-worthy happens, which it doesn't.

“NO TRESPASSING” sign.

I find it hard/impossible to believe this is the only, and first, protection to any Site. If anything, The Foundation would prefer their buildings to blend in and be under the cover of some other organisation as it makes people less likely to be curious by them existing.

“Woah woah woah! What the f***?!”

Argh. I don't know anyone above the age of 10 who bothers to self-censor like this online. It's unbelievable for your character, and takes you right out of the universe you're trying to create. Just write 'fuck'. It's fine. Most people reading this are teenagers or adults. No-one is going to be offended by the occasional 'fuck' - if anything, they'd be more offended/annoyed by the censoring that doesn't fit in at all with what a kid would write.

whispering to each other about what might be at the end of the road, and making Metal Gear Solid references to help loosen the tension.

Again, for a blog post, this sounds really awkward and unfitting.

He wore forest camo, and his vest was packed with different ammunition magazines, all kinds of different gear and electronics.

'Why would The Foundation guards dress in forest camo? Even if this was a rural location, dressing like a soldier is going to stick out like a sore thumb. They'd be much more likely to dress as police officers or some other official capacity that fits in to the location. Remember, The Foundation is trying to hide itself in plain sight - that means fitting in with the surroundings, embedded personnel in authority positions, and making buildings seem like they belong to certain Foundation-front companies.

“We could die. We need to be careful.”

Kids can be as reckless as hell, we all know that one kid who drank battery acid or did kick-flips without a helmet on. But, generally, when kids are faced with things that could cause certain death such as guns, their reaction isn't 'we should be careful'. It's 'let's get the fuck out of here'. As you've implied, Josh isn't 'normal', but even 'abnormal' people have a sense of self-preservation. Even stumbling across a legit army base, which is what I would assume if I were Josh/Damon at this point, a kid would hightail it out of there.

painted with that logo passed by.

Again, The Foundation generally hides in plain sight. That means the truck would much more likely to be a pretend company with a front (probably using the initials SCP, because…well, because). There's some sparse examples here, but people have used a variety of different ones in different tales.

First theres an armed guard,

'First there's an armed guard'. Say it in your head - you're trying to say 'there is an armed guard', so it's 'there's'.

If they find us, we’re dead.

Again, another change in tense. He's writing about something that happened, not something that's happening. So it would be 'if they had found us, we would have been dead'. There's also not much tension in your actual build-up here - mainly because we know that Damon, at least, survives.

the guards radio

'The guard's radio'. For this one, you're saying something belongs to someone else, so it's 'guard's', like it would be 'their's' or 'her's'.

At least what the guards do, their conversation, etc. all sounds pretty natural. Again, I doubt he would remember exactly what words were said, but at least they sound natural as characters so far.

I felt like a Navy SEAL on an infiltration mission or something

I know he's a CoD player. I know kids sometimes say/think dumb stuff. But it doesn't feel like this is very natural. He has no idea what it's like to be a Navy SEAL. Why not just say 'a spy' or something more vague? It just bugs me slightly.

We where suddenly stopped by a book on the ground.

Just as with the map, I'm calling bullshit here. Sure, The Foundation makes mistakes, but dropping a whole book on the floor and no-one noticing? This seems very to totally unlikely.

It was covered in dirt, but we picked it up anyway. We dusted it off.

And it has apparently been there for a while, in an area with armed guards and vehicles, with no-one noticing in the slightest. This is making it seem more and more unlikely. It would be more likely if it were just a sheet of paper or a thin folder - that sort of thing may be overlooked.

it had that logo on it.

Again, I doubt it, especially if it was material people were taking in and out of the building. Mistakes like this do happen in real life, but The Foundation is an organisation that - depending on your canon - isn't even known by governments, so they wouldn't stick their logo on everything. They'd keep it on the down low.

Be warned, its f***ing scary.

Fucking. It's fucking scary. Also, 'it's'.

What an amazing coincidence that this book they found happened to list the SCP object he had found out about earlier, and seems to list a variety of them rather than one folder being used per SCP object. That's like saying that your doctor keeps all their patient details in one big book, rather than one physical/computer folder per patient. It just doesn't make sense.

The image got blurry and distorted, my printer was acting up.

We don't need to know. Also, wouldn't it be a scanner?

One called “D-Class” that I found particularly horrifying. The Organization takes Death Row inmates and uses them as guinea pigs. Forcing them to do tasks like test these anomalous objects, while promising that they’ll be released into the free world in the end. They don’t release them. They execute them.

There's a lot of different canons on D-Class, including that they are sometimes prisoners of war and even refugee children. But, sticking with the main 'death row' conversation, I don't see why your character would think killing people on death row is really that horrifying. Just a note, I'm actually anti-death penalty and glad my country doesn't do it, but isn't what they make the D-Class do more horrifying than the fact they get executed? Or the fact that the D-Class may not always be death row inmates? I mean, death row persons are going to be killed anyway - most people are more horrified by what they go through prior to death, not the fact they're killed. Here's a tale on D-Class that, whilst again not canon, gives you an idea who we're dealing with and how personnel feel about the situation.

This is the weirdest book The Foundation must own. It has details of random SCP objects in it, and information on the D-Class. No-one keeps records like that.

all the way down while bullets flew past us.

This isn't [enter typical sci-fi/action/anime film here] where your characters can amazingly dodge bullets and the guards can't shoot for shit. There's a reason why they're guards and a reason why they're - apparently - directed to shoot on sight. They would hit your guys. But, more to the point, they would be less likely to try and kill your guys, and more likely to try to capture them safely to give them amnestics. Covering up the deaths of two kids whilst keeping your organisation secret would be very tough, versus just wiping their memories and letting them go. I appreciate that means Damon wouldn't be able to write about this situation - but that's what The Foundation would be far, far more likely to do.

There where guards

'There were guards'

pedaled

'pedalled'

It was the SCP Foundation, hunting Josh down. We turned around and went back to my house, because Josh’s family is completely f***ed now.

Again, they'd use vans that are a front, and they'd also keep it low key - that means maybe one van, or one car that would fit in to the neighbourhood. Again, Josh's family isn't 'fucked' - they didn't see anything. They may be interviewed and they may get amnestics, but they're far from 'fucked'. Again, killing a whole family in a neighbourhood versus appearing pretending to be the police or some other authority looking for evidence of a potential crime - what do you think The Foundation is more likely to do?

We where shaking.

'We were shaking'. You seem to have problems with were versus where, so I looked up this handy little guide for you. I'm not being patronising, it's a common problem.

Please, for your own sake, don’t do what we did.

You do know that including every detail of how they did what they just did, plus asking people not to do it, makes people more likely to want to do it, right? You basically gave the audience a guide, a titbit of interesting information that may be a 'secret', and then pleaded with them not to do it. I can't find any evidence telling people not to do something means they're more likely to do it, but anecdotal evidence proves as such, and the raise in dangerous behaviour following things like 'Jackass'. Not helped, of course, but people having camera phones and YouTube.

A cover story involving a murder was placed in the headlines to cover up this incident.

Why does anyone have to be murdered? There's absolutely no reason for this to be done. The Foundation is cold, not cruel - they'd do amnestics first and, if for some reason that didn't work or they felt they needed to keep more of an eye on the person, they have methods of surveillance and/or could bundle them up as D-Class. Public murder is just not a thing The Foundation routinely, if ever, does. It's very much a last resort.

but where able to get inside a guarded site without being caught on camera.

'But were able'. Additionally, I call even more bullshit on the fact they somehow weren't caught on camera. If there were cameras, they would be in more weak areas like the apparently easily broken fence, as well as on the main grounds. These kids are just kids, and they don't know where the cameras are. So again, it feels totally fake.

we would like to ensure that you are not in danger.

Why would they be 'in danger'? These were two kids with no sort of power, not a GoI trying to break in. And, again, amnestics would cure all of this.

In short, there's just too much in this that I can't take it seriously. It breaks the fourth wall, it's not written like a blog, and The Foundation act totally out of character, regardless of what canon you believe.

Final world-breaking issue I just noticed, though changing this won't save it, how is he writing this?
I assume it's on his friend's phone, but this is an awful lot of text to type up on a phone.
A phone that can be tracked. A phone that would be tracked.