Please check the second tab, attempt 2. I'm just trying on new ideas. My worry here is that the whole "look at its face" is played out. At this point, I'm more worried about my writing ability (or lack thereof). Trying to be detailed and formal in the descriptions.
At first glance:
- Use more line breaks
- Your clinical tone needs a lot of work
- Turn the long black redaction into [DATA EXPUNGED]
Leo, that feedback isn't helpful.
- Where should they use line breaks? Give examples.
- What examples of this can you give? What about linking to the appropriate guide so the user can read up, as well as you offering examples on where it slips and what they could change it to.
- Why? Both blackboxing and [DATA EXPUNGED] are equally valid.
Author: If you don't get any feedback in 24 hours or so, I'll be more available to give you a critique.
Adding on to what Leo said, one big block of text is hard to follow. Paragraph breaks should be added every time there's a new idea being expressed. Suggested breaks below:
I didn't have a problem with the clinical tone in general, but I some parts need to be revised for easier reading. I'm not going to go into a ton of detail there, though, because the SCP needs a lot more depth. The first thing I'd want to know is how the Foundation caught this guy and what his origins are (as far as they are known). Also, I'd think that they'd try to do some interviews, such as with a blind interviewer. Also, you mention the SCP trying to "coerce" people into entering the room. What does that mean? You mention that it tells jokes, but but not the other forms of coercion. Also, couldn't they try to put a permanent mask on it (the SCP in the Iron Mask)?
All that is very valid and very helpful, thank you. At this point, I'm not dedicated to this SCP. Now I have been trying to get the tone and structure of an SCP entry down first, but I needed something to write about. I appreciate the feedback and you definitely have a lot of good ideas that hadn't occurred to me. Thanks for showing me some good places for line breaks. As for the interviews, I just didn't include any at this time, but I'll work on getting those figured out soon.