(whoops, forgot you are to link to the sandbox draft page as opposed to just pasting the whole story on here; here it is anyway - just look at the 'quick ideas' tab) http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/scented-shadow
Remember to collapse longer posts (coding here) and that you can post your sandbox link ;) You dun it, thanks :)
Feedback done, hope it helps! Feel free to post here and/or PM me when you've added anything.
Hey man, first of all, thanks for the in-depth review! I'll get to fixing up the formatting and some of the sentences you've noted ASAP.
With regards to SCP-XXXX-2; it's just a normal dude. He isn't really a humanoid, he's an actual human. The anomalous event is the actual SCP, this pizza delivery guy is just a required puzzle piece to make it appear. If I should still refer to him as 'it', so be it, but that feels weird to me.
When it comes to the whole secrecy aspect; I imagine the pizza company receives some monetary compensation for cooperating. They're not a high-scale business so they probably don't care too much what's being done to their pizzas, they're paid for anyway. The delivery guy himself knows he doesn't change the toppings and that something weird is probably going on (why else would he deliver to such a large remote building), but I doubt he looks into it any more than that. You know the stereotypical late teen dude who can't really get a good job besides pizza delivery guy? Yeah, that's him. Doesn't really have a drive to learn, or much intelligence to spare to wonder about all these circumstances anyway. I doubt he loves his job, but he gets his pay so I imagine he just accepts it the way it is.
Let me know if I skipped over some questions you still want answered or issues you want clarified!
I think 'he' may be passable in this case (as I feel I've seen similarly before) but obviously, more feedback will help you check if that's generally seen as okay.
It's interesting to me that there's a degree of co-operation, and maybe that's something you may want to include to develop the underlying 'plot' more. It's a rare occurrence when something like this actively works with The Foundation so, apart from financial gain, I'd be curious what else they're getting from this, and how SCP-XXXX-2 (even as a non-driven, typical teenager) feels about the situation, because you'd imagine he'd have dreams to eventually leave, and The Foundation is currently anchoring him to his job. Something like an Interview would be a good way to explore this sort of possibility.
I think you've got something here. I think you've got the potential to give it more of a plot, and the weirdness is a nice addition without being OTT. I like weird scips, so I'm a tad biased, but it's a breath of fresh air in comparison to things doing things or monsters that kill. :)
I'm glad I've piqued your interest! I'll definitely look into SCP interview- and experiment log sequences some more. I've never made an SCP before [I will not acknowledge that atrocity from 2 years ago], so I have to do my research on existing ones to get those sections right. Do you happen to have any recommendations from SCPs with such additions (interviews and the like) that you feel could provide me with inspiration?
If it helps, I've never written an article either ;) But your idea is better than mine, it has a lot more to develop.
I suggest just generally reading any Series III articles, as that's the level of writing the site is looking for these days, and because we've settled more or less on a template of writing that works.
This list of SCP articles that have something to do with food should help you out, too, as they'll also be writing about things that may include unusual ingredients.
This happens to be one of my favourite SCP articles, and it happens to be about a food service place, and includes an audio log (another thing you could try and tackle, since they managed to put a camera in the pizza place) that you could get ideas from.
That happens so much, thanks a lot! Can I message you again once I update my draft?
Of course :) Just post an update link on this board for anyone else who wants to give feedback and send me a PM - if you could link to this board so I can find it easier, that would be helpful. I'll let you know if I can't get to it in a reasonable time (normally within 12 hours is 'reasonable' for me) for whatever reason, but I'm normally around a lot during the day (GMT).
So I changed quite a lot. I also added, like, 3 collapsibles. Before I create an entirely new thread, I'm curious about your thoughts on the current state of the draft. Please take a look at my sandbox once again, when you find the time: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/scented-shadow
1. Swap -1 and -2
2. If he has to work for the pizza place for the Anomalous effects to occur, why not just have him not work there? Boom, problem solved, everyone's happy. Having him continue to work there seems like an unnecessary waste of resources. We're told that he must remain employed but never why.
3. The Anomalous effect described here is very bare, so either bump that up a notch or improve the story.
Thanks for reading! To address your points:
1. How come?
2. They have to continue testing it because of the recent change in the anomaly (sudden rat poison), which never occurred before; it used to be just toppings. They want to make sure that it doesn't get even worse, for instance by extending to things outside of that job. It already extended to things outside of pizza toppings, so they have to be thorough.
3. This relates to point 2 as well, but I'm thinking of making something where the anomaly seems to gradually expand to larger and larger effects; first just wrong pizza toppings, then a pizza with a random topping that doesn't even have to be food, then the thing in the box is no longer even a pizza, etc. That's not set in stone, but it can be something along those lines. I'm trying to make it so that the guy is the underlying cause of the anomaly (he doesn't know, he's just the source of this 'error' in logical events), and its worsening effect surrounds him only. It started when he got a job at that place and since then it gets worse over time. Again, this is not certain yet, but I might do something like this. It depends if I can make it work at all.
I have a few thoughts;
1) I think the idea is funny and the core concept could be really entertaining, but I think the containment is unnecessarily pedantic about the process of ordering/receiving a pizza, which shifts focus from what makes me go 'oh'; the main payoff of the containment imo is that a) it's something about pizza, b) payment is necessary for it to work, c) you're telling people to wear hazmat. Those are the salient hints imo that prime us for the description.
2) I also don't understand why the Foundation is allowing this to happen if it could be contained by simply firing the guy/closing the pizza place, especially if it's escalating. What's forcing the Foundation's compliance?
3) I agree that a good record of escalation could show without telling - just having a series of manifested pizza toppings with the 'mistakes' gradually getting greater and more anomalous would be imo punchier than having an expositionary update telling us that explicitly.
So you think I should shave off some of the ordering steps to make it less of a text wall?
Also, the idea is that, if the anomaly is escalating, they want to closely monitor it. That's why they want to keep doing experiments on it and why they keep the dude employed. If they know what causes these fuck-ups in events they can prevent them from happening and escalating elsewhere. Does that make sense?
Lastly, I'll look into writing the update section to be more interesting.
Thanks very much for your critique!