Click the "Bug Pillow" Tab.
Mechanics are good enough for you to not worry about. There are some glaring errors which I can list to what is, to the best of my knowledge, their entirety:
copulate and bare their young
Correct spelling is "bear", but anyway, this is pretty non-clinical. I think "mate and reproduce" is better, although I'm kind of iffy on that too, because I'm not sure if reproduce necessarily implies "to produce an offspring" in the biological sense. Just something for you to look into.
It’s worth noting the…
"It's worth noting" adds nothing to the sentence. Also, I want to say don't use contractions, but I've seen them on this site before, so I dunno. Personally I never use them, but I guess it's up to you.
violently torn apart and disposed of.
This is confusing and non-clinical. "Torn apart" by what, the other insects? "Disposed of" implies some sort of intent that I don't think the Foundation can assign (even if they heavily suspect that one exists).
should be insect-like
onto his person, that entered all of his orifices
as a vessel for reproduction.
pretty non-clinical, investigate a rewording.
As for the content itself, I think it's in a no-vote territory from me right now. I'd say that a pretty big bulk of this idea is relying on the specific image of bugs entering your body, mating inside of you, and then leaving while you sleep. I guess the problem for me is that this image is disgusting but not necessarily scary—thinking about it, it seems (extremely) unpleasant and unsanitary, but it doesn't perturb any fundamental sense of safety or logic. I'm sure that there are people who find it scary, or who, in some sense, resonate with this one image on a deeper level than me. The problem for you is that i think this image is the only thing going for you; strategically speaking, you're missing a fallback if it doesn't work.
The two ways to fix this I can think of are: make it a stronger image, or give more substance to the article. In terms of giving more substance to the article, I was personally more intrigued by the possibility of the pillow acting as some sort of bug super-community, especially when the other pillow was introduced, than the "gaahh it wants to kill us all" angle you took at the end.
Thanks for the critique! I'll try to reword the non-clinical parts.
I was personally more intrigued by the possibility of the pillow acting as some sort of bug super-community, especially when the other pillow was introduced, than the "gaahh it wants to kill us all" angle you took at the end.
Yeah, I've been getting some complaints about the ending. I like you're idea of exploring the community of bug pillows, but I'd have to come up with a way of making more anomalous then just bug infested pillows. I'm up for the challenge!
Chubert has a lot of good points, so my post is more of a supplement to theirs. In regards to mechanics and tone, there are several times in this draft where lists of adjectives don't have commas separating them. For a few:
isolated reinforced glass cell
old cotton pillow
In regards to the content, again I'm going to echo Chubert. This is a simple idea, but it's explored pretty well, but it just needs that extra something to push me to voting positively. I think my favorite part of the SCP is in the first addendum. I love subtle touches that something is sentient.