SCP-2651 **DRAFT**
SCP-2651 **DRAFT**
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Drafts and Critiques
» SCP-2651 **DRAFT**
Summary:
My first attempt to write an SCP. Feedback wanted and desperately needed!
First off, you'll want to use SCP-XXXX instead of SCP-2651. There's a fairly good chance that someone will take it before you, and it's just easier to control-f/r it later.
Comments in collapsible, edited as I go along:
Item SCP-2651
Just say "SCP-2651".
vacuum chamber with a measure of
This is awkwardly put. "vacuum chamber measuring" is better.
365 cm. by 365 cm.
That's weirdly specific and only two measurements. Unless there's some reason why the chamber has to be precisely 365 cm or why vacuum chambers tend to come with dimensions of 365 cm, leave it out.
given exact order from
"instructed by"
wear level-3 safety protocol or higher
People wear suits and equipment, not protocol.
Vacuum of SCP-2651 must be at
"The vacuum chamber must be kept at"
mm-Hg
Most vacuum chambers, to my knowledge, are measured in Torrs.
every five blocks
Every five labs? Every five "blocks" as defined by corridors? Regardless, it makes no sense.
(Changes in molecular structure.)
I don't get this placement. Is that what is to be observed? Is that the method of observation?
an infectious, plague-like disease.
We've got a lot of diseases here, so there'll need to be something special about this one.
which targets the skeletal structure of an individual and begins to eat away at the collagen and calcium of an individual
^ This isn't enough to do the above.
develop [DATA EXPUNGED] that oozed
An odd placement of [DATA EXPUNGED], as it's not explained later.
which theoretically could infect
Theoretically? That'd probably be tested.
is to be taken from its vacuum
Wouldn't they only take very small samples? It doesn't make sense to take all you have - what if you drop it?
sluggish movement, rotting teeth, loss of basic motor skills and synchronization of bodily movements
I think that could be expressed in the test logs. Or, well, the test logs which should probably be written.
[Test Log #1
You'll want those brackets to be closed.
Mouse #1
If there have been so many monthly tests, and this is mouse #1, where are the other logs? They have to be written.
Final thoughts:
Overall, this is a standard disease SCP. The only thing separating it from a non-anomalous disease is the rate of bone decay, and that's not nearly enough. What makes this SCP special? Is there anything unique about it?
I'd recommend coming up with some twist, backstory, or explanation which will make it more interesting, and then writing experiment logs with that in mind.
Okay, good point. I changed it to XXXX. Anything else I should add or improve upon?
Hey, so, from a writer to another, how would you explain the reasoning for a 3653 x 3653 vacuum? I would want to say to make extraction easier, but that doesn't sound logical. Any ideas? Maybe I should make the chamber about half that size or smaller?
I wouldn't. Just say it's contained in a standard vacuum chamber — it's easier, more intuitive, and makes a great deal more sense.
Hm, alright. I just figured since I've seen other SCP's give exact measurements, it would be okay. After all, shouldn't I write it like I'm writing a detailed report?
I'm going to address the conceptual issues here first.
There's no real story here. It's osteoporosis. A very powerful version of osteoporosis, but it's still osteoporosis.
We as a community have moved past "things that do stuff" and into "stories told via weird stuff."
If you haven't already, I suggest you read some of Series III. Series I was a product of its time, and as such is widely regarded as kinda shit by today's standards.
It's important to note that short entries can be effective, and your idea isn't inherently bad. You just have to make sure that you're telling a story. I personally try to write a story in tale form first, then write a summary of the events, and then write the entry.
STORY:
Almost every popular entry has a well thought out, interesting story.We have stories that read like actual sci-fi horror stories, and we have entries that have implicit, absolutely horrifying stories. We have funny stories, sad stories, and we have short stories.
And those are just the ones I’m familiar with.
FORMING A STORY: I'd recommend first coming up with what you want your readers to feel, figure out the best ways to do that, find out the connecting threads between them, and then start working on the actual scip. And then post your idea to the ideas forum.
So I'd recommend taking a week or so off from outright writing a draft, and start to write about people, places, mysteries, and other weird shit that you find interesting. And possibly most importantly, don't force yourself to write. If you do, your stories will suffer. I'd recommend you try writing while tired and edit while awake. The lack of any inhibitions will make things flow a lot better.
In short, the actual anomaly is unimportant. It's the story you tell, and how you tell it, that matters.
CRIT ON THE ACTUAL ENTRY:(Skim read, these don't address all the issues)
Your clinical tone needs work (Which is normal). As a rule of thumb, if you could realistically drop what you're saying into a casual conversation with your friends about your scip, it won't be well received.
Item Number:
Item Number: SCP-2651
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures:
Description:
There should be empty lines between these.
SCP-2651
This is minor, but using a specific number designation for your draft is like naming a baby in medieval Europe. You get needlessly attached to it and your chances of actually getting that number are pretty slim.
Dr. ████████
Please don't redact containment procedures/reference specific people. Also, for the love of all that is good in this world, read that essay in its entirety. It might be the most comprehensive and important essay on the site.
SCP-2651 is to be taken from its vacuum once a month to be tested for genetic mutations and cure testing.
This should be in the containment procedures.
[Test Log #1
Why is this a footnote?
Mouse #1 placed in airtight container with SCP-2651 for [DATA EXPUNGED]
I'm guessing this is a measure of time, in which case you should black-box it instead of outright expunging it, as expunges are typically reserved for stuff that's so horrible whatever you can imagine is better than the truth.
Overall, your entry isn't inherently bad, but you need to make sure you're using the format as a way to tell a story, as opposed to using the format to make an item.
Break a leg, and have fun.
Hey, I asked for help, and I got some. Thank you very much for the advice.
I suppose you could say I was going off of a thought that came to be as I wrote this attempt at an SCP. I'm still very infantile to the idea of creating monster stories and horrifying (Or, as close as I can get to) places and events without as many limitations as normal realistic fiction.
I hadn't the slightest clue that a disease like this was "beating the dead horse". I'll certainly try to get a better story out there when I'm not working on other projects of mine.
On the bright side, as you said, it wasn't a BAD idea, just an idea whose concept belongs in the past.
And don't worry about sounding mean, I was expecting much worse to be truthful. But, I'll certainly try to work on writing in this format. Sort of a way to "expand my horizons", right?
Acidic variants of SCP-XXXX (SCP-XXXX-2) that are extracted from monthly tests are to be kept in vials in research labs every five blocks for purposes of observation (Changes in molecular structure.)
This could be edited a bit to reduce the clunkyness and make it easier to read.
I'd recommend:
"Acidic secretions of SCP-XXXX-2 from monthly tests are to be extracted and kept in vials in/at (add a specific location/site here) research labs for observations of any changes in molecular structure.
Every five blocks honestly makes no sense at all since nobody else has used that as a location for placement in any other SCP article that I know of.
Also, what is the reason for it to be called "Bird Decay"?
How was this disease discovered and contained in the first place?
Combining with the above question, if it's a plague-like disease, shouldn't there have been an actual largely contaminated area for it to have been discovered?
Also, like Snipes88 said, make it 3.7m instead of 365cm, unless if there is an actual reason for it being so specific (i.e. it could escape in such a crazy way if such measurements aren't used or something of the sort)
Something to consider: if this anomalous disease can survive in a vacuum, there would be little reason to take it out of containment to check it's genetics. Unless it doesn't require nutrients of any kind, it would be in a state of hibernation to conserve energy and, more importantly, would not be reproducing or receiving genetic mutations.
Even then, a vacuum chamber is excessive. Keeping it frozen should do the trick equally well. Preventing the SCP from becoming airborne is all that's required. Freezing something in ice is easier than putting it in a vacuum. After all, there's a reason we keep the last remaining samples of Smallpox frozen rather than in a vacuum chamber.
As for cure testing… there's nothing that can be done. I don't think the body's immune response would be fast enough to keep the SCP from dissolving bone on the speed you describe. Nor can I think of anything that would theoretically be fast enough outside of nanomachines getting injected into the bloodstream (which itself would be considered anomalous by the Foundation until "naturally" developed by the scientific community). Simply put, it's pretty much fatal under modern technology.
This is all in addition to the above-mentioned "barely anomalous" issue. At this stage, you might be best off doing something new.
What you need to know is that most successful SCPs aren't just reports on objects, but stories in the form of reports on objects. They go beyond what the object is, and focus instead on how it impacts the world, how others react to it, or what it may imply about the Foundationverse. They don't focus on the what of the object, but on what happens and why.
For instance; a killer disease is boring. The struggle of containing the disease or a team of scientists trying to find a cure is interesting. This is why only information on Ebola is boring, and The Andromeda Strain interesting.
Well, then I'll start from scratch on something else. Maybe a new monster of sorts? A legend in the community? I just need to learn this new form of writing haha!
So, I see what's wrong with the story, you've all been a great help in that aspect. But as I'm very new to this format of writing, I need advice. Tips on how to execute an idea in the SCP informational format. (Good thing this was just a draft, right?)
Read more Series II and III articles, and focus on how things progress through the report, rather than on what the object is.
Additionally, show, don't tell. Experiment/Exploration logs are better used to expand on information in the Description, rather than just regurgitate it. General addenda are good for putting in diary excerpts or written information from non-Foundation personnel (civilian or otherwise) that may help a reader understand broader implications in a way that normally wouldn't be acceptable in the report format.
Whelp, time to binge-read monster stories.
You could use the same concept, but change the effect of the disease, maybe?
If anything, I would highly recommend checking out the "How to write an SCP-" page, it's pretty helpful in my opinion. http://www.scp-wiki.net/how-to-write-an-scp
Also, it wouldn't hurt to check out the Cliché Guide to make sure you aren't doing anything that's already been done waaaay too much.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-big-list-of-overdone-scp-cliches
Good luck!
You could use the same concept, but change the effect of the disease, maybe?
Unless the disease was sapient and trying to be the single best thing to have happened to Humanity since we discovered fire to toast our sliced bread while riding around on our stone wheel, the core issue here is that it will still be some variant of "deadly disease". That's going to be the major hurdle to fix: simply altering the effect won't work in this scenario unless said effect also significantly changes the core concept.
Unless the disease was sapient and trying to be the single best thing to have happened to Humanity since we discovered fire to toast our sliced bread while riding around on our stone wheel
You know, a wannabe rock star disease that wants to be the most badass, most epic, and most edgy thing ever to happen to humanity, and wants to be feared, revered, yet loved…
Someone really should write that. If done well, it'd be a beautiful SCP.
I was thinking more along the lines of changing it from a crazy, deadly disease, to some type of mutation disease of its own. Maybe like a bone extending disease, making everyone look tall and slender or something, I dunno. It was just a supporting thought to help the guy out.
Well, regardless, I'm not going to try and fix a shattered window. At this point I just need to find a good idea and a good way to portray it. I think I know how to now, but, such is the curse of a Newbie haha.
/forum/t-2253482/scp-2651-draft#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
