So this is my first one. I started writing it almost three years ago, but never finished it. I kind of purposefully exaggerated this SCP, as I'd rather make a lot of mistakes instead of trying to make everything right the first time.
Smash me. :)
Edit: I really need help on the wording. I am not a native speaker, so this is probably going to be a nightmare for you guys. :D
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/alexandercole
Alright. It's late and I'm tired, so I'll just give you a quick overview of my initial reaction:
- The article is very messy-looking. Not only are the cross-outs a bit of a pain to read, everything is just too jumbled for me to take seriously at the onset. I'm guessing it's intentional, but keep in mind that readers aren't obligated to finish reading, and very well may downvote at the start without bothering to read the rest.
- Only use "it's" when you can replace the word with "it is".
- "Violating the containment procedures will result in termination." > stuff like this is excessive and doesn't really need to be there. Personnel are valuable and a limited resource. Besides, part of the containment specifies "Site ██". Will someone be terminated for not knowing which site?
- Try to avoid censoring anything in the containment.
- Site names have hyphens. For example, Site-19.
- Capitalize O5.
- You've got a lot of stuff in blackboxes that seems a little lazy. There's only so much you can assume the reader will be willing to fill in by themselves.
I barely made it to the description before deciding I didn't really want to read this. You, uh… are kind of right about the nightmare to read this due to English not being the author's native language, but I think the main issue here is that I just have no idea what is going on. Why is almost everything crossed out?
What is this thing and what does it do?
Thank you for answering! Yeah, in the end I was primarily messing around a bit with the stuff available, basically.
Let's see if I can answer a few of those things, so it makes sense. ^^
1. The article definitely needs to be tidied up, I was a little lost at what to do about that problem. While I developed this SCP, it changed, so the reason for the crossed out stuff is, that the former containment procedures don't apply anymore. (just as an example) I thought about completely deleting this and run with the new idea, and completely rewrite this.
2. That slipped me, I know that rule. Gotta look at it and correct it.
3. Like I already said, I wanted to mess around primarily to see where the line is that I shall not cross. That's where it gets messy the most honestly. Just from a purely logical point of view, that should have been crossed out aswell. :D
4. The censoring in containment happened, because the old containment procedures don't apply anymore. Furthermore only three O5 are allowed to know about this SCP's exact location.
5. Will try to remember that
6. Well, yeah. I usually have that problem, not knowing what's on the readers mind while reading this. I know what's in the boxes, guess that didn't help.
Is there anything that you specifically cringed at? Language wise I mean.
It is basically a form of Cordyceps, that doesn't cause a shroom like growth in your body, but rather changes your behavior by altering it directly, let it be radiowaves, radiation, or anything like that. It affects your mind directly without the need of physical infection. If you die during "infection" your remains calcify and gain the same properties as SCP-XXXX. If you touch it, this effect is enhanced. So basically your mind gets altered around it, but if you touch it, it's current form causes a physical manifestation of this altering effect. It was a scale when they found it, so touching it caused you to be utterly devastated about your weight being too high or too low. In the end you would die, as the "infection through touch" is unhealable, while meeting your psychologists for a few meetings helps getting done with your "problems" caused or enhanced by being in too close proximity to it.
EDIT: The change in personality goes hand in hand with the suicidal tendencies subjects show during infection. They go for actions that would most likely kill them. The kind of action they go for is depending on what kind of alteration happened to the infected subject.
I sincerely hope that clarifies and thank you for your critique!!
Is there anything that you specifically cringed at? Language wise I mean.
Word choice. A lot of the article reads like a conversation between middle school students, rather than the work of a professional researcher. That makes it very hard to take the article seriously.
In regards to the anomaly itself… I didn't pick up on the cordyceps at all.
The change in personality goes hand in hand with the suicidal tendencies subjects show during infection. They go for actions that would most likely kill them
So you know, the "it makes you crazy until dead" approach isn't particularly interesting on its own anymore, given how many times SCPs with that effect have been written. Take a look at the articles tagged with "compulsion". Furthermore, the SCP's effect forcing someone to do something tends to be a bit of a lame narrative, since things are more interesting if there's a struggle involved, and/or if the people instead do terrible things of their own volition. Consider reading through the further discussion on the narrative issues of compulsion and addiction effects.
I recommend getting the base idea polished up in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try fixing the draft. Go to that forum, post a quick summary of the concept you want to write up (don't link the draft unless someone asks), and reviewers there can help you make the idea more interesting and give you some advice on structuring the eventual article for smoothness of reading and narrative.
Oh crap, didn't expect it to be that bad. I read a bit about what you suggested, and I have to say it seems to be a battle I cannot win at the moment. I will mediate about it a bit. There was another idea spinning in my head, and the arguments against compulsion are pretty strong, at least in my opinion.
Thank you! You've been really helpful.
As a sidenote: Is there anything you could suggest so I can counteract my "choice of words" problem? I mean, I love reading english literature and I do almost everything else in english all day long, but apparently that wasn't enough. :(
Also, would you think it might work if I first write it in my native language and then try to translate it? I just ask, because it might eat up a lot of time and not really work in the end.
Hope that wasn't spam. Sorry if it was.
Is there anything you could suggest so I can counteract my "choice of words" problem?
You can read some of the other threads in the draft forums where Forum Criticism staff members have commented on fixing clinical tone. It's one thing to read something good, it's another thing to see something not good be fixed up into something that is good.
I mean, I love reading english literature and I do almost everything else in english all day long, but apparently that wasn't enough. :(
If you haven't looked at professional scientific articles, such as those published to journals like PNAS, then you might want to consider doing so to get a feel for the terminology scientists use, as opposed to novelists or fiction writers in general.
Also, would you think it might work if I first write it in my native language and then try to translate it?
Definitely worth a try! We have plenty of bilingual members on the site who might be able to help as well.