http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/best-friend
first draft and incredibly short. Mostly looking to see if the ideas good, and some critiques of course.
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/best-friend
first draft and incredibly short. Mostly looking to see if the ideas good, and some critiques of course.
Firstly, the idea itself is bland. It's not even anomalous. Maybe he's just a really nice and understanding guy. Seems a little bit 999 imo. Also, for ideas, put them on the Ideas and Brainstorming forum, that's where you can ask for improvements on your ideas.
Now, some little nitpicks:
Firstly, why is he Euclid? You even crossed out the Safe and make him Euclid while there's no indication that he's unpredictable or dangerous or anything. Sorry, didn't read the Addendum.
SCP-XXXX can be used only in cases of extreme mental deterioration, and must be monitored by at least 3 other individuals.
Why? Why not use him on every person with mental issues? Not like he refuse or anything. If he's that dangerous, then don't use him on anyone. Also, don't use guards to guard him, as he can convince them into breaking him out. Just use CCTV. Or robots.
weighing 150Lb
We use SI measurement here. In this case it's about 68kg.
Specimen has often referred to himself as "Friend" or "Brother"
Not necessary. Also, he is a human, so don't use "Specimen". Not "himself" but "itself" as they are all objects in the Foundation's eyes.
SCP-XXXX is often used for comforting staff and agents who have frequently or recently dealt with dangerous specimens.
Remove this, reason stated above.
It is important to note that SCP-XXXX seems to understand each individual on a very personal level the moment they are introduced.
Reword this. Not very clinical. I can't provide a replacement because I'm not very good at tone myself :D
escaped captivity
Breached containment.
half of these deaths caused directly by SCP-XXXX
How? Did he kill with LOVE?
It is currently unknown weather SCP-XXXX possesses memetic potential, however it is under testing.
I believe you meant "whether". Also, reword this sentence into this
Research into SCP-XXXX's potential memetic capabilities is ongoing.
Edit after post: Seems like when I was writing my crit Sirens has already made one :/
All right Frayjais, gonna do a line by line here then give you my overall thoughts on the draft. These comments, aside from the overview, will be made as I'm reading.
SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a 1.8m x 2.4m room
These are some extremely specific dimensions, is there any reason for them to be this way? If not, they don't need to be included in the article. If so, what purpose does this serve?
SCP-XXXX can be used only in cases of extreme mental deterioration, and must be monitored by at least 3 other individuals.
Under what circumstances? Testing? What kind of testing is occurring here?
SCP-XXXX is a Caucasian male measuring approximately 1.8m tall and weighing 150Lb.
Lbs are not SI (metric) so you might want to fix this.
Specimen has often referred to himself as "Friend" or "Brother".
Use it rather than he/she/they when referring to SCP objects. Also, is it saying that it's a friend/brother or that its name is Friend/Brother? If it's the former option, it doesn't need to be capitalized and that could be specified.
SCP-XXXX shows extreme care and affection towards any sapient entity within its line of sight, often comforting them in times of stress, or through the use of compliments.
Why? What's the motive or the drive here? Why does it want to do these things? More importantly, how is this anomalous? Being overly friend is not anomalous.
SCP-XXXX is often used for comforting staff and agents who have frequently or recently dealt with dangerous specimens. It is important to note that SCP-XXXX seems to understand each individual on a very personal level the moment they are introduced.
Still not anomalous. I've met people and felt like I've known them my whole life right from the get go, that doesn't really explain what's going on here. Additionally, this seems very lolfoundation to me in the sense that the Foundation is allowing valuable personnel to come into contact with an anomalous entity. I don't see that happening at any point in time, especially not with a sapient humanoid.
Addendum XXXX-1 SCP-XXXX escaped captivity with the help of 3 foundation personnel. over █ confirmed dead, and ██ injured, with only half of these deaths caused directly by SCP-XXXX. It is currently unknown weather SCP-XXXX possesses memetic potential, however it is under testing.
weather -> whether
This also ties into why I don't see the Foundation doing what they did in the first place, it also doesn't explain why this entity was in containment to begin with. Also, I don't think memetic is the word you're going for here. Taken from Understanding Memetics:
Memetics deals with information transfer, specifically cultural information in society. The basic idea is to conflate the exchange of information between people with genetic material, to track the mutation of ideas as they are transmitted from one person to the next in the way you could track viral transmissions and mutations. However, a meme also provides benefits to the carrier if they spread it.
Meme : Memetics :: Gene : Genetics
Memetics does NOT refer to telepathy, ESP or any imaginary psychic mental magic. These words are memetic, and if you understand them then they are having a completely ordinary memetic effect on you.
Memetics in regards to SCP objects tends to focus on the impossible rather than the mundane, regarding effects that are transmitted via information. In general, the effects themselves should remain in the realm of information. A memetic SCP would be more likely to be a phrase that makes you think you have wings as opposed to a phrase that makes you actually grow a pair of wings. If you write up magic words that make people grow wings, it should be described as something other than memetic.
From what is provided here, I don't think this is what you're going for? If it is, can you explain why this hypothesis was reached (in the draft)? It's too vague otherwise.
Overall: Eh, I'm really not sure what's anomalous to begin with so I think that's something that would definitely need to be cleared up. A lot of the things written here don't really seem like things I could see the Foundation doing and the whole concept of "something the Foundation thought was nice, spent time with, then it all went poorly" has been done before many times, most notably by SCP-1048, and in more memorable ways.
If you're really set on making this idea work, I recommend you take it over to the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try to rework the article. Getting the concept fleshed out more and knowing which direction you want to take this from a narrative standpoint beforehand will make the writing process go a lot smoother.
Good luck to you!
Thank you both for the amazing advice! My general goal for this SCP was that it used a form of "Camouflaged hypnosis." The comforting and complement never had an effect. Definitely could have conveyed this idea more, my bad here. Also, with the foundation using him to help staff, wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not. I Also changed it to Euclid because I wanted the addendum to show it had a very violent and dangerous side that remained hidden. I was kinda going for "a being of higher intelligence" vibe with this SCP. And as for posting it on the wrong forum, I originally posted this on the brainstorming forum, but was told to move it here. So i don't know about that. However, I'll work on this for sure! Thank you both very much!
Keep on working! If you can make a twist out of it or something that makes it stand out, then it can still work :D
Also, I did see your post on the I&B forum. You only need to put your ideas there and ask if they're good or need improvements etc, while you put a whole draft there, that's why you were told to move it here.
And as for posting it on the wrong forum, I originally posted this on the brainstorming forum, but was told to move it here. So i don't know about that.
For clarification, I was suggesting what Flawed said. Not that you post the draft to that forum.