so… it's a golem created by a Jewish army in the first century? I like the idea, but all it apparently does is wander around a deserted ruin and occasionally hit people who enter its radius. I get that the backstory is really substantial, but again the backstory doesn't really interest me. It was created as a result of the gods intervening in a religious battle? Either I'm missing something or this seems like a dull backstory.
I love the religious iconography, but as it is it doesn't really pique my interest at all. If you possibly rework it into something with a more emotional or scary backstory, it could work.
I think you've missed a large portion of the story, so allow me to explain:
The SCP is basically an amalgam of a bunch of Jewish golems (created to protect the Jewish synagogue in Ephesus) and a bunch of Mekhanite automatons (created to attack the synagogue). As a result, the SCP has two conflicting instructions on what to do: the Jewish golem half is telling it to protect the synagogue while the Mekhanite automaton half is telling it to attack the synagogue. Hence why the SCP hits itself during Routine γ, because it sees itself as an enemy.
The backstory, basically, is about how the Jewish and Mekhanite inhabitants of Ephesus try to one-up each other in anomalous warfare, and the whole thing blows up on them.
Okay, I see what this article needs.
While you have done well to show that the SCP is a Jewish golem, the same cannot be said of it as a Mekhanist construct. In fact, you have to outright state the Mekhanist relation, with the only possible tie-in in the base description to be it being composed of machine parts. It needs to be very specific in terms of how the machine parts are shown; it needs to feel Mekhanist rather than any generic machine. Thus, it's a matter of showing the details. Let the Mekahnist details be as evocative as the Jewish iconography did in the base description.
Regarding the routines, is there any trigger or do they simply activate randomly? I am of the opinion that it should be triggered by things so that you can produce stronger imagery. To elaborate:
- Routine α can be triggered when it identifies people attacking the synagogue, prompting it to defend the place. Perhaps it can be focused on attacking its metallic portions?
- Routine β can be triggered when it identifies attempts to fortify he synagogue, prompting it to try tearing down the place. Perhaps it can b focused on attacking its clay portions?
- Routine γ can be triggered when it is alone. In that light, perhaps the Foundation will be forced to stage assaults and/or fortifications on the synagogue in order to prevent the SCP from damaging itself.
If you can make the actions clearer through context, they can illustrate the basics of the story without going through the two texts at the bottom. That way, the two texts at the bottom can do more to elaborate on the anomalous circumstances behind the clash.
Thanks, this critique really helped! I've since added more details to the Mekhanite aspect, and elaborated on the routines, so that you get more of a sense of the conflicted nature of the instructions.
