http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/a-sweet-tooth I posted a few weeks ago of my SCP and was able to get some good critique, and I have revise it significantly, but upon publishing, it was greeted with tons of downvotes,Hoping some of you can help me into writing the 3rd draft of this SCP.
Specific dimension measurements in containment procedures are usually frowned upon as unnecessary. Speaking of which, your containment procedures are too much for this item. Why does the box need to be lead? Why does it need to be changed every two months? Why is it handled by senior staff when it's fairly low value/threat as far as skips go? Containment procedures should be enough to contain the anomaly, no more and no less. Also, we don't have anything called sectors. I think you mean a site or an area.
There's some spelling/grammar errors and breaks in clinical tone throughout, those need to be fixed. For example an agent using friggin in a report feels janky, as does the doctor's extreme reactions to test logs.
You over use redactions quite a bit. Redactions should generally be used to hide information that is either irrelevant or that we as the audience can guess based on context.
The bottom section with the containment breach feels a lot like lolfoundation stuff from series one, and I don't like it. Plus the odds of a normal d class breaking out of his cell is very low.
Most of all the concept just isn't very interesting to me. It's a jawbreaker that breaks jaws. There's no real twist that makes the audience care about the plot or think about it in a different way. In general, a good way to write a skip is to take a concept and then invert it, subvert it, or divert it. Your fight scene somewhat serves as a diversion, but as it stands it isn't a very good one.
Why does it feel like lolfoundation? It was intended as serious.
And I agree I may have made Containment procedures a bit too excessive. Will have to fix that.
There's no real conceivable way a Class-D would break out. It doesn't just feel unlikely, it feels downright unfeasible. These are individuals who known information about the Foundation, and it would be a bloody mess if one got out. I think I personally just dislike how there's no explanation, and he just 'broke out'.
It's creepier if the reason is unknown.
No, it's bad writing since it comes out of the blue and has no reasonable explanation that's readily apparant.
If you're trying to imply that the SCP did it, it needs to be foreshadowed in some manner.
There were a couple of grammatical and formatting errors in the page, but I don't really feel that they detract from the overall quality of the article. As far as the object and writing goes, I really enjoyed it. My only complaint is that it became somewhat confusing around the box part and the escape of the D-class.
If I may make a suggestion: I think that the appearance of a box generating candy of similar properties to the SCP would warrant re-designation of the box itself as SCP-XXXX and the jawbreaker as SCP-XXXX-1. I also think the escape of the D-class would make more sense if it successfully consumed the jawbreaker; allowing it not to die and become a "conduit" for the candy maker, especially considering the D-class seemingly had no prior experience with the SCP. The only other thing that comes to mind is that the researchers' reactions should be a bit less emotional; they see things like this on a daily basis.
Aside from the above, the article was interesting and fun to read. I hope my feedback helped a bit, I would like to see this make it on to the official list of SCPs.
So, does my SCP just not work in general as an idea?