Since I haven't been able to write a successful skip as of yet, I took a new approach and came up with my entry for the 173 Fest. I really need some quick feedback, so anything is appreciated.
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/curiouscoffee-s-sandbox
Under the tab '173'.
I thought it was a really good read, although I would really like to see something about the people it has murdered. Other than that, very well done. Perhaps extend it a little or make the stanzas larger too to really draw out the ideas you're trying to explore.
Uh… okay, just as a heads-up… I'm really, really picky when it comes to poetry that's supposed to have a repeating meter pattern.
This… doesn't quite get there. You've got some contrived/shakey rhymes, like "creation"/"one". You're assuming that the reader will put the emphasis on the "tion" part of "creation", so it comes off as "cre-a-shun" to rhyme with "one". However, with the line "The crowd admired their brand new creation," I read "creation" as "cre-a-shin" so it didn't rhyme. The fact that there really isn't a recurring pattern of stressed/unstressed makes it hard to figure out the cadence of the work.
Additionally, each line has a different number of syllables/poetic "feet", so it makes it even more unwieldy. For example:
The gathering was a long and hard process. (11)
The deaths of many would not be in vain. (10)
The group once again formed, weaker this time. (10)
Finally, they began to create the pain. (11)Rebar came first, stringing pieces together. (11)
Concrete then came, embracing the rebar with strife. (12)
The leader stepped forwards, painting an odd face. (11)
They joined hands, blessing their creation with life. (11)
And then towards the end there's no attempt to try for the 11 syllables (why 11, by the way?) and then I'm left wondering why bother with stanzas at the beginning rather than something more free-verse and unrestrained by pattern.
Also, some of the rhymes seem overly contrived, in that the meaning/coherence of the sentence suffers to try and facilitate the rhyming. I don't really understand what's going on at the start. Where did the crowd come from? How is "the dark" left with their tasks? What does it mean to "create the pain"? Pain of what?
Overall, I dunno. Doesn't seem solid as-is, and the poem boils down to (I think?) "some cult made 173 and it killed a bunch of people", which is… not super interesting or exciting, given the other works that have been posted for the 'fest. But then, I'm just super picky about poetry.
last thing—"It began it's rampage once" > you want "its". Only use "it's" if you can replace the word with "it is".
Thank you for your feedback!
I will try and fix the amount of syllables in each line to make sure everything it at 11. Also, I picked 11 due to the fact that most of the lines in previous versions were around 11 syllables, so I figured I could try and go for that amount.
The reason why I didn't expand on why 173 was made or anything was because I wanted it to be like the original 173, leaving it up to the reader to determine why 173 was made, who made it and why.
Also, I picked 11 due to the fact that most of the lines in previous versions were around 11 syllables, so I figured I could try and go for that amount.
Yeahhhh, "it was convenient" usually isn't the best reason to make a line a certain number of syllables, especially if you're trying to a rhyme pattern and the rhythm trips up. Are you trying to make this sound rhythmic, with iambic meter or the like, or is this supposed to read more like prose than poetry?
I wanted it to be like the original 173, leaving it up to the reader to determine why 173 was made, who made it and why.
There's only so much you can expect the reader to do for you. Granted, poetry can get away with being a little vague, but we've only got so much room for stuff like this: http://www.scp-wiki.net/hint-the-thing-is-173 (and that poem has pretty good stressed/unstressed rhythm, plus it was written back in 2012).