read the page here http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/naama123
Hello,
The idea in-and-of itself isn't bad, however I think the concept and presentation could be drastically improved.
I'm hardly in a position to comment (my first SCP is still in the drafting phase, see SCP-3464: "The Boiling Fountain"), but I have experience in writing short novels.
I will do my best to address the issues one-by-one below:
1. "Item #: SCP-xxxx"
Hardly a serious issue, I just thought in the draft-phase it could be much more enjoyable to
use "SCP-ZZZ" as a placeholder until a number can be decided upon.
2. "Object Class: Euclid Keter"
I see what you're going for with this classification, and with a bit more background to the SCP's discovery, you could really have a good plot-device here; perhaps describe how the SCP was difficult to discover, seemed docile for the first couple months of containment before becoming worthy of Keter-class designation, but currently I think Euclid-class is better fitting until this can be fleshed-out.
3. "Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-xxxx are to be contained on site [REDACTED] with 24 personnel patrolling the premises at any given time ."
Minor problems with grammar & syntax, can be tweaked later on (I offer my services), 24 personnel seems unnecessarily precise, perhaps try "with no fewer than two dozen (24) Foundation security officers equipped with incendiary devices on standby at any given time."
Also, you might want to try using "█" symbols in place of "[REDACTED]", this certainly adds to the visual effect of the SCP report.
4. "A 20 by 9 meter barbed wire fence is to enclose the perimeter of site [REDACTED] and should only be accessed by Class C personnel and up."
This can be cleaned up by using symbols and numbers instead of text, remember, this is a report and needs to be easy to read and understand quickly (this does not mean it has to be simple or dumbed-down); try using "The perimeter of Site-██ should be surrounded by a barbed-wire fence, no shorter than 9 metres (9m) in height, in addition to standard site-security defensive measures." You could even enhance the mystery by redacting more information;
"…no shorter than █ metres (█m) in height,…"
5. "should only be accessed by Class C personnel and up."
Can be improved, try "D-Class personnel are prohibited from entering the vicinity of….", this could be added as a footnote to go with the rest of that section of text.
6. "Any personnel who are found sleeping on the job will be tested for infection and promptly fired."
Not really in the spirit of the SCP Foundation, try "Any personnel, D-Class or otherwise, found asleep on the premises will be subject to quarantine, followed by medical examination and termination if found to be exhibiting symptoms of SCP-ZZZ exposure."
7. -Description
The IKEA part seems unnecessary, perhaps redact mentions of IKEA, certainly clean up the mentions of specific numbers; 3 days, 14 hours, etc., try better explaining the effects of the SCP, what happens, why it might happen.
8. -Discovery
Not many problems with this, I'm sure that the story behind this could be tweaked somewhat, but the overall plot of it is sufficient for the moment.
Please collapse long posts. ~Zyn
Again, I offer my services if you want my literary help in the future, just PM me if you have any concerns.
Jrtechnicianwest, some of this feedback is misleading.
1. "Item #: SCP-xxxx"
Hardly a serious issue, I just thought in the draft-phase it could be much more enjoyable to use "SCP-ZZZ" as a placeholder until a number can be decided upon.
'SCP-XXXX/xxxx' is what typically is used, but the author can use whatever they want, up to and including numbers - as long as it's only on the draft. Aesthetics to the reviewer are redundant and, in terms of this sort of thing, misleading to point out.
Also, you might want to try using "█" symbols in place of "[REDACTED]", this certainly adds to the visual effect of the SCP report.
[REDACTED]/[DATA EXPUNGED] or blackboxes are all acceptable - if it's a name, for example, it may be better to use blackboxes but none of them need to be used at all, and none of them should be used to 'add to the visual effect of the SCP report', whatever that means.
The IKEA part seems unnecessary, perhaps redact mentions of IKEA, certainly clean up the mentions of specific numbers; 3 days, 14 hours, etc.
IKEA is fine to mention - I believe we already have at least one IKEA article on the site, in fact - and specific numbers are important to include because, in-universe, the reader needs to know how long something takes it happen, how long it happens, etc.
Sorry if my suggestions aren't up to scratch, I'm just trying to give potential improvements from a literary standpoint. My work is not to be taken as law, I just want to help.
As to the "SCP-ZZZ" thing, that was just a joke regarding the effect of the SCP, to coincide with the xxxx.
I realise [REDACTED]/[DATA EXPUNGED] or blackboxes are all acceptable, I simply thought that in certain places the boxes might add a nicer aesthetic appeal.
The author is of course free to do whatever they wish, I only wanted to provide my take on the article since they were asking.
Please accept my apologies.
I love the concept of an object which, when slept with, leads to the horrific symptoms you've described. However, I think you could "punch it up" a bit and make it even more horrific by changing the object from a pillow to any popular children's stuffed animal, which infects nearby children's toys.
I'm also unsure of why D-class is prohibited from accessing the site?
I'm also unsure of why D-class is prohibited from accessing the site?
hmmm. I don't know if it's really necessary to explain why D-class is prohibited from accessing the site, I've seen plenty of articles that don't specify why certain personnel are banned.
However, I think you could "punch it up" a bit
I probably will not go the route of turning into a children's toy however, I may elaborate more on the symptoms of FFI and the nature of the pillows (chemical makeup, whether they are alive or not, malicious, etc)
Hello, There are a few things I believe could be cleaned up a bit, just by glancing at the article. Please consider these tips when editing your article in the future.
Edit: I realized my comment was kind of long so made it collapsible.
- break up large groups of text by sorting out ideas into their own paragraphs. This will not only help you convey the idea in a 'cleaner' way, but will also help your reader easily jump around to parts they want to go over again.
- The Discovery section of your article seems to be a little overbearing, and could be improved by replacing it with several addendum's and notes. The more vague and mysterious these are the better. You want your reader to know enough to be informed but also be ignorant enough to feel suspense.
- "Personnel who do not.. show symptoms of exposure to SCP-xxxx will be terminated immediately," - Why is this so? are these personnel D-Class only? Or are you referring to any personnel? This seems a little extreme considering that amnesics are a viable alternative, and that 'personnel' isn't some infinite pool the foundation draws from.
Please remember these are my personal opinions and in no way should you feel the need to change the article. These comments are for your own constructive writing purposes. I hope I've helped.
just did a bit of a revision of the article, it should be more SCP(ee?) now. i tried to use a few black bars and removed any redundant phrasing
Anymore critiques? Thread is kinda dead
Author, please don't 'bump' your thread by making random comments - as per the Draft Forum Guidelines, only post when you have a major update, for example, as with your 22nd of June post. Any other random posts are considered against the rules, and unwise for yourself to post as it actually reduces your board visibility.
If you're finding it difficult to get more feedback (whilst remembering patience is key), you can use the IRC chat, as well as PMing members of staff.
Hello, There are a few things I believe could be cleaned up a bit, just by glancing at the article. Please consider these tips when editing your article in the future.
EDIT: I accidentally posted this as a reply to an earlier comment. I do apologize for posting it twice. I wanted to make sure you saw it. I've also made the comment collapsible in both version to reduce clutter.
- break up large groups of text by sorting out ideas into their own paragraphs. This will not only help you convey the idea in a 'cleaner' way, but will also help your reader easily jump around to parts they want to go over again.
- The Discovery section of your article seems to be a little overbearing, and could be improved by replacing it with several addendum's and notes. The more vague and mysterious these are the better. You want your reader to know enough to be informed but also be ignorant enough to feel suspense.
- "Personnel who do not.. show symptoms of exposure to SCP-xxxx will be terminated immediately," - Why is this so? are these personnel D-Class only? Or are you referring to any personnel? This seems a little extreme considering that amnesics are a viable alternative, and that 'personnel' isn't some infinite pool the foundation draws from.
Please remember these are my personal opinions and in no way should you feel the need to change the article. These comments are for your own constructive writing purposes. I hope I've helped.
How should I use addendums. I've never understood the point of addendums or what they do. Could you please walk me through how they work.
How should I use addendums
I've never understood the point of addendums
proper Latin is addenda
The definition of "addendum" given by Google is "an item of additional material, typically omissions, added at the end of a book or other publication."
It's extra material that isn't crucial to understanding the initial key concept of an SCP article, which can include incident logs, experiment logs, researchers' notes, interviews, and so on that make an article more interesting but aren't necessarily super important to understanding the basic gist of an SCP.
Have you taken a look at some recently-posted successful articles to see how addenda are used in those?
Zyn has explained it fantastically. I recommend reading a few articles that include addendum's, just to see how they can be used to cut down on clutter and still improve the article.
SCP-300 has some very interesting and thought provoking addendum's, I would recommend checking it out.
Cheers!
Zyn has explained it fantastically. I recommend reading a few articles that include addendum's
very interesting and thought provoking addendum's
ADDENDAAAAAAA
Cool! :)
i removed the mention of the second of the outbreak in the discovery section and moved it down to an addendum.
Addendum: 5/22/20██ another outbreak of FFI (Fatal Familial Insomnia) discovered in ██████.