SCP-XXXX- Electra Heart
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/cyvstvi
The SCP I'd like reviewing is the second tag, Electra Heart.
SCP-XXXX- Electra Heart
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» SCP-XXXX- Electra Heart
Summary:
An SCP about a dance pole that alters anyone who interacts with it.
first of Euclid, if not save once all instances of XXXX-1 have been eliminated.
I have further seen two other errors.
one being a .? and the other being the "by the O5 council and that rhe site" rhe.
Its not my type of item, but to me it seems not impossible to build a concrete block around it, calling it a weather research center and than closing the parameters.
Annoying, but not dangerous.
If it actually had a positive outcome like a stage E
"I am young, pretty and smart, sounds good to you."
With an honestly bright personalty behind it… no hooks in there.
That actually sounds like a pleasant way of retirement.
As it is, it's fine but i would treat it like a save object that someone leaved in the rain.
Cover it up, put a fence around it.
But perhaps I'm missing something.
Well, I'll really have to clarify it better then. When the staff recovered the object, they were already under its influence. There's nothing that can be done to move it. Nobody can come near it because those delightful young ladies will ask if you wanna 'dance on their pole'. So they've just gone, protocal 'pretend it doesn't exist'
The grammar and spelling mistakes are mostly due to me working late at night on it, half fuelled on coffee!
So, a number of things jumped out at me immediately with this. The formatting, for one thing, is entirely off: you've left out the line spaces between the paragraphs, making the whole thing kind of unappealing to look at.
"chrome column"
This doesn't actually make sense. I believe the term you're looking for is chrome-plated.
"if they have scored less than a 14.5 on the CRV test."
You've already mentioned this in the containment procedures, there's no need to say it again.
"If a subject was to be removed from the chamber, they would be able to describe the room…"
This whole sentence could be summed up as "the appearance of this room remains consistent between subjects."
"identical to the previous subjects, this has led the Foundation to"
Comma here should be a full-stop or semicolon
"Type A is identified as the 'Su-Barbie-a' by research staff, a tongue-in-cheek reference to barbie and the suburbs"
Too lolFoundation. These are supposed to be professionals
"and are seemingly inherently disdainful and jealous of this variant of SCP-XXXX-1."
This seems slightly sexist, and is likely to get you downvotes from… most people, actually.
"if they want to be seem by all"
What? Typo, I'm guessing.
"Type D instances are firstly, the youngest instances"
This sentence is weirdly structured, and since you don't use 'secondly' the "firstly" feels out of place.
"Type-D instances are internally the opposite of their external personality"
If they only perform actions that match their personalities, how would anyone know?
Overall, the scip reads like a bit of a wish-fulfillment followed by an anti-Mary Sue. There's a good anomaly there, but you need to enhance the backstory or emotional side to make it a good article. Get more crit, as always, and try to shorten the archetypes: I don't see the need to have all of them in there, as it doesn't enhance the scip at all.
Good luck with this in the future, and I reckon that you've got it in you to make it work :D
There's only two parts here that I disagree with, all the rest is totally valid and I agree with.
They are seemingly inherently disdainful and jealous of this variant
This is totally necessary and not-sexist, a lot of people have read this article to be sexist, which it is actually, because its a criteque of how modern society views women. They view them as dumb, or flightly, or overtly sexual. The entire article is based around this idea that society corrupts women to act certain ways and fill stereotypes and this scip forces others to accept this, to accept how I view society basically, bit of Mary Sue in it I suppose.
Type-D instances are internally the opposite of their external personality.
I should really clarify this further, when alone, these instances break down and start to act peculiarly, they don't behave as usual and instead seem to reflect how a person would actually behave if they were forced to act in a certain way.
/forum/t-2396162/scp-xxxx-electra-heart#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
