Upvoted. The Jupiter addition was a very nice touch.
Date: 22 Nov 2010 02:19
Number of posts: 10
RSS: New posts
EDIT: Never mind, that's much better.
That being said, there were a few issues I had with it.
First off: "Authorities' first attempts to investigate resulted in [REDACTED], attracting the Foundation's attention."
[REDACTED] usually just covers up one or two words, or a name. That should probably be a data expunged, though you know better than I do what it is covering.
I found the description of the thermostat to be a little…exhaustive, I suppose is the word. You would probably be better off just finding an appropriate image of a thermostat, to save you the hassle. If you want, just claim that most of the button are hidden under a panel, like with this one:
This next problem I do often as well, and that is TOO MANY COMMAS. I know it feels nice to write organically, but this article would benefit a lot if you went through and restructured some of your sentences, turning commas into periods/semicolons.
So yeah, overall a good article, well done. Those are just a few recommendations I have for fixing it up a little.
I followed your advice and replaced the [REDACTED], and tried to make the description more concise. Hopefully I also managed to get rid of a decent number of commas without messing up sentence flow. To be honest, I felt some of what you were saying myself as I wrote it, but at the time I couldn't really figure out a decent way to change it - Seems a bit of time not thinking about it helped. Thanks for the upvote and the tips.
Changed it back to [REDACTED] because Severe has no idea what he's talking about. The terms are interchangeable, you can use whichever one you like to cover whatever you like.
Also, the description/commas are fine, once again, Severe does not know what he is talking about.
Admin, SCP Wiki
Do the two dials have "off" or "none" positions? If so, then those should be noted in the description somewhere. If not, then how does it manage to work like a regular thermostat?
Also, any sort of precipitation requires 100% relative humidity. So, would the Dial 1 setting override the humidity setting, or does the humidity setting affect the Dial 1 setting, or what?
Finally, there's no dust on Jupiter, or at least not enough to be the cause of the Red in the Red Spot. (Now, if it had opened to Mars….)
The image in this article is a CC image from here: http://we-make-money-not-art.com/archives/2010/09/cloudscapes-by-transsolar-tets.php