New Foundation tale. Read it.
Date: 12 Dec 2010 22:38
Number of posts: 29
RSS: New posts
I like it. Nice little dose of the crazy shit that the Foundation is used from the perspective of someone who is totally new to it.
I like the tone especially as it seems to convey that this kind of thing seems to happen on an all-too-frequent basis.
I like it but the perspective seems to jump around between third and first person and it distracted me quite badly. I think you need some quotation marks or italics to denote internal monologues.
Man, I dunno. Maybe I could be creative and use parenthesis to denote thought or something.
Yes, but that lent a certain urgency to the text that ruined the buildup of tension in the beginning paragraphs.
yeah, I never got the use of italics like that, it gets particularly bad when you want to emphasise text becuas eif you do it in a characters thoughts you unitalicise it.
There just needs to be a clear line between thought a narration. How it's drawn is beyond my meager grammer skills
pretty sweet. is the thing based on an existing object, or is it unique to this story?
I'm guessing it's unique, as the only thing I can think of is the shadow thing that has to be surrounded by light for containment.
Enma ai, what's up with downvoting and not commenting, huh?
As to what it's based on… The article hasn't been posted yet, but it's not one of mine.
Its been a span of time since I've contributed, but surely it's in poor taste to call someone out for downvoting your piece? They'll say something if they want to.
The outsider perspective is refreshing. It somehow reinforces the contrast between the father's horror and the jaded attitude of the Foundation personnel. Mr. Doe's world has just cracked sickeningly open; for the men with the pill, it's just another day on the job. Good work.
SCP Wiki Administrator | Earth: We're all in this together.
What… what happened to the kids?
Only nitpick: The kids aren't mentioned in the end, but there's no detail indicating they're not there (erased from reality & forgotten, killed & forgotten, forgotten by the author, what?). [EDIT: Not that I need to know, just so long as it doesn't come off like the author should have put something there & forgot to.)
Even with that downside, this is great. Upvoted.
To clarify my response to thamuzz up there, I know what happened to the kids at the end, but prefer not to specify. If you choose to believe they're not there, feel free. Whatever enhances the story most for you.
From a writing standpoint, I wanted to downplay the kids as much as possible- because the story is written from whateverhisnameis's perspective, they exist on a technical level only as objects and motivations rather than actual characters per se. When he's not interacting with or thinking about them, in a way they don't exist anyway.
In the original draft, I brought up the fate of the kids in the end, but it felt out of place and ruined the drama of the last section. This story was all about tension, and giving out too many ending details ruined that.
I did understand your response, but thanks for the clarification anyway. =)
Your choice makes sense. I don't think that the fate of the kids needs to be specified (though I AM curious - any chance of you sharing?).
But it feels a little contrived that the narrator never mentions them again - he'd be devastated in the police station rather than just fearing people would think he was crazy; a POV issue. Unless they really were 'erased'. If so, just an extra sentence or two should be added in to hint that they're no longer there, somehow. You could get away without that by just showing that he went through his life without the kids afterwards, but the ending is so short as it is that we don't get that.
Without reading this page, I wouldn't have assumed the kids were gone, just that the author got lazy, despite writing a great story (it happens). But others might disagree. =)