I very much so like the idea, it's odd yet somewhat creepy, reads well, and is generally interesting. My only problem is that footnotes are not normally approved of, but I think a senior Member ought to be asked on that subject.
Date: 06 Feb 2011 00:03
Number of posts: 46
RSS: New posts
Worrell is wrong, there's nothing wrong with footnotes, but this one doesn't seem to be needed.
On the SCP itself… this, while well written, has absolutely no hook. There is nothing of interest about this SCP. It's a nifty thing, that would work well on most any kind of unusual object list, but it just doesn't fit our standards.
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I disagree. From a purely technical stand-point, it is a highly anomalous object. However, it just seems like a solid piece of work altogether. I remember just a few days ago I commented on an SCP saying it was "nothing special", as it was not creepy, interesting, or funny. Where-as in the case of this SCP, it demonstrates a little bit of all 3. Interest from the fact that it's, y'know, a party in a box. It is not very creepy, but it somehow elicits a chill down my spine whenever I think of somebody talking to the bartender becoming subdued by apparently random party-goers and carried out of the area (also, there's the whole drinking alcohol and being trapped forever in the box thing going on). In terms of funniness, I will admit I was pretty amused by the killer corks at the end.
I like this one, but I don't like the vengeful aspect with the high pressure champagne bottles. That just crosses the fine line between creepy and silly. Does everything have to fight back? Sure, some chucklehead in this comments section is going to demand test logs full of "But what if we did THIS or launched it into the sun or threw a party for 682 with it?" but who cares.
In fact, I'd be happier if there wasn't even the "join us and vanish into the box" aspect. It would be better in my opinion if this was just a totally fun, seemingly harmless beer commercial in a box but every now and then the random partygoers break down and beg for release.
Read what sorts said, then do that. Because it's terrifying.
It may be the lack of sleep but I honestly can't tell if Yoric is being serious or not >.>
And if he IS, it'd take some serious thought to execute it well.
Also, I don't know where people are getting the killer corks idea, it was more meant to be them spraying alcohol at your face.
Of course he is being serious. My ideas shine out like a shaft of gold when all else is dark.
Ironic posturing aside, I seriously do recommend changing this from a party that tries to suck you in and into something that seems completely harmless and fun party in a box.
And then throw in at the end that all those people inside the box occasionally lose it like the way you have currently described, becoming hysterical and incoherent and begging to be freed or put out of their misery. That is a huge punch in the gut in terms of a tone shift. You go from "huh, okay. Weird item but not that special" to "Oh god. Who are they? How did they get IN there?"
And then most importantly, don't answer any of the questions that you raise. Let the reader freak out over all the implications. No test logs, no rescue attempts, nothing more than perhaps a recovery log about how someone had the box and used it for their own amusement until the party goers started freaking out. Maybe the original owner was brought up on kidnapping charges when people who visited his parties noticed the other guests were begging to be set free. You could even easily work in a MC&D angle there.
I don't think you used Ironic properly.
Also, as the article stands right this second it's suffering a bit from Large Text Block Syndrome. Far far too much time is spent describing the intricacies of the partay. I think you could cram all the description to one or two paragraphs.
Stop posting things when I'm drunk! Especially SCPs about being drunk!
Seriously, I just came from a kind of lame party and I have to admit, I WANT this SCP, even if it sucks me in. Nothing is as awesome as a party in which everyone wants you to participate.
The retaliation is definitely very over-the-top (25 km2? Really?), but if toned well down, might be workable. Perhaps whoever provoked the DJ/bartender later vanishes sometime they're alone and unobserved, leaving no trace aside from some confetti or a half-finished martini or the like. Of course, too far in that direction could end up too much like SCP-342.
I do like its ability to add people to its roster, and the implication of what it's actually like for them. A subtle thread of creep woven into the fun and lighthearted SCP. Upvoted for good concept and decent execution, with hope that the retaliation bit will see further improvement.
I think the author here didn't mean that the corks were the cause behind the loss (a cork smashing its way through a human skull sounds pretty silly yet gruesome, nonetheless). It think it's more that the alcoholic beverage within is sprayed into their faces, thus causing them to disappear at the end of the event.
Yeah, the sense I got was that the purpose of the champagne being highly pressurized was to force the victim to imbibe some of the alcohol - which, as you may recall, imprisons them in the party that never, ever ends.
Severe, a party where "everyone wants you to participate" may sound cool when you're actually drunk. Now imagine a party where everyone is going to force you to participate, whether you want to or not, and you're never going home. Ever.