http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/plerco
After being in love with SCPs for a long time, I decided to try to write my own. I'd greatly appreciate critique on wording and grammar.
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/plerco
After being in love with SCPs for a long time, I decided to try to write my own. I'd greatly appreciate critique on wording and grammar.
CRITIQUE POWERS ACTIVATE
Object is to be contained in a 5m x 5m x 5m enclosed space made of steel replicating the natural habitat of the American Alligator in Containment Site ██.
“Object” should be SCP-XXXX and there is no need for exact measurements here.
Object is fed bird, fish, and frog meat daily.
Again “Object” should be SCP-XXXX
No personnel at any time should attempt to interact with any instance of SCP-X-1 (See Addendum 2).
I don’t know if this is a typo or intentional but shouldn’t SCP-X-1 be SCP-XXXX-1?
Entity has above average intelligence,
“Entity” again should probably be SCP-XXXX. You know I used the term above average intelligence in an SCP once, I don’t know why I mentioned that just a fun fact I guess.
before reappearing as a 2-Dimensional object upon the surface.
First off don’t say object there as I though you meant something else that was 2D. I’m also having trouble imagining what this alligator would look like in 2D, were you going for like a Link Between Worlds effect?
SCP-X-2/SCP-X-1
Just all of those should probably be changed to SCP-XXXX-2/1
SCP-XXXX created an instance of SCP-X-1 and was moved to a temporary holding cell.
SCP-XXXX was moved or the wormhole. If it was the wormhole then I’m very confused as to how thats even possible.
D-9427 is equipped with a camera and communication device, then lowered into the SCP-X-1.
Lowered? Like in a harness or something? why not just walk into it? Alright apparently you have to enter vertical is what I’m assuming, a mention of that would’ve been nice.
personnel who witnessed this event requested amnestics afterwards.
I have no critique here, thats just funny.
Overall this SCP is a lot better than I expected going in and is actually pretty good, I just think more specific details on a few things is needed, also the above average intelligence thing never really comes into play or has any significance to the SCP, I don’t see why it can’t have the intelligence of a regular alligator.
RadicalTrack97, this feedback is misleading. SCPs can be referred to as "object" or "the object" (after all, it may get annoying to keep reading "SCP-XXXX", so it's OK to spice it up a little). Also, although it is strange to switch between "SCP-XXXX" and "SCP-X", that shouldn't really be a main focus point for the crit as it's just a placeholder.
Why did you find the SCP good? What part worked for you and what didn't? "More specific details on a few things is needed" is kind of vague. Where would you like more details?
There are also some problems with the draft not addressed, like the use of imperial measurements over metric and some errors like "trans-mutates" (should just be transmutates ((spellcheck says no but google tell me yes)), but I'm not even sure it's the right word to use here).
Pleas be specific in your future critiques. Telling the author what you did and didn't like and giving suggestions helps make good articles.
Thank you for your critique.
I agree with most of it, other than that "object" and "entity" should not be used. I felt that it got repetitive seeing "SCP-XXXX" too much.
The alligator is moved into a holding cell, not the wormhole.
People have to be lowered into the wormholes since they appear where the alligator was before it transformed into 2-D on the ground, which I definitely should have made clear.
Also, yes, switching between XXXX and X is strange. While going through revisions, I got a bit lazy and switched from using XXXX to X. Once again, thanks a lot for your helpful critique!
As I stated above, the "not using object" thing was misinformation and XXXX vs X, while a little distracting, doesn't really matter much because it's just a placeholder.
That being said, here's some crit:
the natural habitat of the American Alligator in Containment Site ██.
Although you use the scientific name latter in the doc, you should really use it the first time you mention the organism, which is here in the containment procedures. The Latin name should also be in italics.
Object is fed bird, fish, and frog meat daily.
This is very vague. How much food should it be fed and how many times a day?
weighing 900 pounds, and measuring 14 feet long
Don't use imperial measurements in a scientific document. Instead, use the SI unit, which is metric. So it should be kilograms and meters.
SCP-XXXX can vanish for approximately .24 of a second,
"Can" doesn't really sound right here, maybe "will" or just get rid of can and make it "vanishes".
reappearing as 2-Dimensional upon the surface.
Couple things here. Instead of using the numeral, you should just write it up as "two-dimensional". It also feels like you're missing a word here, feels like the word "organism" or something should go after "two-dimensional".
The method as to how SCP-XXXX can achieve such a feat is currently unknown.
"Achieve such a feat" feels very nonclinical, I'd replace this with something else.
When in a 2-D state
I'd just say "two-dimensional" instead of "2-D" for the rest of the article.
Occasionally after SCP-XXXX transforms into 2-Dimensions, spacial wormholes appear on the ground where SCP-XXXX had been before its transformation and disappear after roughly 20 minutes, known as SCP-X-1.
The way this is set up, it sounds like the time period of 20 minutes is SCP-X-1. I'd set it up like this instead:
Occasionally after SCP-XXXX changes form, spacial wormholes manifest on the floor (referred to as SCP-X-1) where SCP-XXXX had been before its transformation
That was quick and it still feels nonclinical to me, but it's just an example.
Contact with D-7391 and D-8735 ceases, with D-7391 and D-8735 being deemed lost.
Who is D-7391?? Did you mean D-2491?
Overall, I'm just kind of feeling meh. You have a giant alligator that can "Link Between Worlds" on walls and makes "wormholes" (not sure if a scientific document would call them that) to a weird dimension. And that's really all there is too it. There's not much here at the moment that would make me upvote, and it'snot very interesting.
Instead of just trying to focus on an anomaly, think of a story you would want to tell and build off of that instead of the anomaly. Most modern SCPs are structured like that; if they don't tell a story, they usually have an interesting backstory for the SCP.
There are also a liot of clinical tone issues. I'd read the section in How to Write an SCP about tone and then move on to Clinical Tone Declassified. If you need more help, I'd come to the IRC chat and #thecritters channel.
I hope this helps!