As I mentioned on IRC, the basic premise behind this article is a little too close to that of Lucky and the Ever-Living Man for me. It needs something more unique for it to really stand on its own.
Date: 03 Mar 2011 22:35
Number of posts: 32
RSS: New posts
you know… I think I am going to go against the flow here and say this one does the "Lucky" Man concept better than 181, which I also liked…
I think there needs to be some cleanup though. The core idea is pretty solid but I hate the test logs.
I put in the test logs because people were saying that he was not enough of an SCP before. Do you think the logs can be salvaged or should I just scrap them?
I dunno. It's tough to pull something like this off, especially when someone else has done it before. But perhaps you could just refer to a battery of tests done in a log that isn't provided, referring to things where he can accurately guess/win at games of chance and seriously up the "luck" factor of his survival ability. I mean, really, don't say he's too lucky to die and put in tests where they don't want to risk a headshot. You're not going to make people believe this that way, you're going to have to go all out and say that guns jam or misfire when aimed at his head or something, producing what would only be otherwise painful but non-lethal injuries.
I added a new log to your specifications, and got rid of one that seemed extraneous. How does it look now?
yeah okay the researcher commented on how unlikely it was for a gun to jam and then the test was over? SHOOT HIM AGAIN
Sorry man. I'm thinking this isn't going to work out. This had a better tragic flavor to it than 181 did but you've lost me in the execution of the idea.
We've already got one.
Admin, SCP Wiki
I'm voting against Bright here because I feel that this article handles the idea sufficiently different than SCP-181
I am agree with some previous comments that this one is honestly just better than Lucky. That isn't to say it is perfect, not by any stretch. I agree that the test logs just aren't helping it at all, and are probably extraneous. Maybe shorten it up some, more to the style of the 914 test logs, where it is simply
Test: Self inflicted gunshot wound to the heart
Result: Severe trauma to the chest cavity, subject survived.
Test: Gunshot wound to the head, fired by Foundation personnel.
Result: Sixty-four consecutive misfires with nine different sidearms.
You know, that sort of thing. Maybe not a perfect idea, but I think it would be an improvement.
But yeah, I still upvoted it.
Thank you. I'm currently considering completely re-writing the SCP to smooth the pace, if that makes any sense, to explain: when I first wrote it up, it was quite brief. I put it onto the sandbox wiki and showed in chat. Based on the feedback I added a bunch of stuff somewhat haphazardly. I'm going to shortly re-write this so that the language flows better, unless anyone believes that it's simply beautiful how it is and should not be changed at all.
Didn't think so.
I've re-written the article, added some stuff, mostly just style problems. I took your suggestions (especially Dr. Severe, I hope that's not a problem) and the SCP should flow a lot better now.
(The foundation was monitoring the hospital for a possible outbreak of SCP-███.
Foundation should be capitalized, parenthesis is open.
Research assistant B████ has received disciplinary measures and has been reassigned.
Wording's a bit off. Could simply say:
Research assistant B████ was disciplined and reassigned.
I think Logs 503-4 and 503-5 are out of place. Jarringly so. I'd assume the researcher who suggested/carried out the described "experiments" was either an incompetent chucklefuck or a sadist. I think the subject's history and the first three logs, 503-3 especially, convey the point just fine.
It's stylistically worse now.
"At the age of 29, the subject and a friend were both considered for promotion at their place of employment. The subject was selected for promotion, and its friend later committed suicide as a result."
This sounds like anecdotal 'evidence', whereas the rest of the description sounds like a very clean, methodical biography of relevant data.
"Test Log 503-4
Test: Firearm aimed at head, point blank range.
Result: Sixty (60) consecutive misfires with 7 different weapons"
This sounds really simplistic for a scientific test. It's good to keep things basic in SCPs, to leave more to the imagination… but this feels like the researchers just kept pulling the trigger without any curiosity as to -why- their weapons failed to function. I enjoyed reading about the analysis of the weapons failures in the previous incarnation of the article. Perhaps you can include some Test Logs with the main entry, and link to others outside the main entry, to keep things tidy but detailed.
"Test Log 503-5
Test: “Russian Roulette” with 1 empty chamber, aimed at subject’s chest
Result: Massive trauma to chest, subject survives.
Note from Dr. ████: Dr. ████████ has been disciplined and reassigned. I have no idea how these tests were approved."
2 points here:
1. Survived? How'd that happen? Was the Agent a damn terrible shot? Did the round miss his heart but do permanent damage to a part of his body?
2. I'm always tempted to add unprofessional, off-the-cuff remarks from Dr. █████, who is understandably infuriated by the ridiculous actions of Agent █████ and/or Dr. █████. But I feel like it generally detracts from the article.
fixed up stuff related to your suggestions, rephrased some things to make them clearer. It didn't miss his heart. It went right through it (medical explanantion: it hit at the centre, where the 4 chambres are joined, so it just went through some tissue, it didn't pierce the chambres themselves. It's happened.)
This is alright. I like 181 better. Still, this is almost but not quite worth an upvote in its current form.
I do see them as different, despite similarities:
181: Reality is apparently conspiring to keep him both (A) successful and (B) intact, with emphasis on (B), for potentially scary reasons (at the very least, being around him means you're likely to die).
503: Reality just wants to screw with this guy, apparently, giving him short-term good fortune (to get his hopes up / keep him intact) and long-term misfortune.
On the other hand, the effects on 181 are pretty consistent, while 503's aren't, really…
EDIT: On second thought, I find this guy too boring to not downvote.