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Hey,
Although I said I'd primarily be getting criticism off-site, I was wondering what you guys thought of my newly rewritten SCP-2871-D (I'm calling it that until it gets an official name) article:
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/chronologer-cat (Tab: SCP Wars Episode II: Attack of the Cats, and yes, I'm trying to add in a text box for that quote at the end)
Thank you for your time.
Locking this thread due to the conversation unrelated to the draft content escalating out of control near the bottom.
OP, if you prefer seeking criticism off the site, you are free to do so and can do so without making disparaging comments towards the hardworking reviewers on the mainsite.
If you wish to continue seeking feedback on the mainsite forums, make a new thread and keep the discussion focused on the content of the draft itself.
Stream of thought as I read.
Any Foundation employee involved with an anomaly relating to quantum mechanics is not to form a relationship with SCP-XXXX-1, and class-A ammestics are to be administered as soon as possible.
I'm not sure why, but this sentence read weirdly to me. I think it's the "as soon as possible". It feels a bit too casual and the sentence doesn't flow well with it. That makes it feel a bit bloated.
As I was typing this out, I realized why this sentence felt off with me. The second part of the sentence doesn't logically flow with the first part. It feels like there is a step missing between the first part, barring relationships between the SCP and certain staff, and the amnestics. And because that little bit is missing, it makes it sound like all staff dealing with quantum stuff has to be amnesticized, whether they've dealt with -1 or not.
I'm just going to assume that the second half of the sentence was referring to if the person did form a relationship with -1. Since that's not stated the sentence doesn't flow well.
In order to prevent a containment breach, SCP-XXXX-1 must be fed two times a day. Any cracks in SCP-XXXX-1's containment chamber are to be sealed in order to prevent a possible containment breach by SCP-XXXX-1.
I feel like these two sentence could be combined.
Given SCP-XXXX-1's nature, no medical treatment is required
Who doesn't need medical treatment? I'm assuming it's -1, but that's not super clear.
Given SCP-XXXX-1's nature, no medical treatment is required; although food is to be given once a shift is completed
This sentence doesn't make much sense. It starts by talking about medical treatment, then switches to intervals in which it's given food after the semicolon. I don't know why it switches like that and it grinds my reading to a hard stop. A big thing to me, while writing SCPs and reading them is the flow of reading. If I have to stop or slow down my reading to re-read something, I think that negatively impacts the work.
Any containment shifts are to be conducted by staff occupying the following positions:
I feel "any" should be "all"
1. Two or more physicist specializing in quantum mechanics.
"Physicist" should be plural.
6. Two or more physicist specializing in particle physics.
See above.
class-A amnestics are optional depending on risk.
Risk of what?
The Q.N.L.P.C device
I have no idea what this is, or what it does. The text doesn't provide any context clues, and it never appears again in the rest of the text. What was the point of this? It feels like it's just weighing down the text. Making it longer than it needs to be.
The Q.N.L.P.C device is to be active at all times, with power directly linked to Site 45's 500 kW fission reactor, and is to be manned by a team of physics PhDs specializing in particle physics and/or quantum mechanics.
This is a runon sentence. I also want to point out the part of the sentence about the team that staffs this. Right now, this thing is literally run on doctorates. Pieces of paper. I'm pretty sure that was just a typo, but I wanted to bring it up.
SCP-XXXX is a phenomenon relating to an anomalous breed of the domestic cat, hence forth referred to as SCP-XXXX-1.
Two minor notes here. First, I would drop the "the" before "domestic cat". Reads weirdly. Secondly, henceforth is one word.
SCP-XXXX-1 is an anomalous specimen of domestic cat, resembling an overweight elderly specimen of the domestic shorthair breed.
This sentence says pretty much the exact same thing as the sentence above it. Is there any way to combine the information? It's also confusing, as in the previous sentence, the entire breed was -1. And in this sentence it's just a single specimen.
By the time in which this iteration of the SCP-XXXX-1 article was written, SCP-XXXX-1 is approx. twelve years old.
I don't know what this means, in context of the article. Do they write a new article every time they have a new -1? Is -1 the entire breed? I'm confused.
Also, I don't think the word "approximately" needs to be shortened in the description.
See bellow
*below
Due to the anomalous physiology of SCP-XXXX-1 (See bellow), SCP-XXXX-1 is considered to be genderless.
The repetition of SCP-xxxx-1 within two words of each other reads badly. I'd suggest changing one of them.
The subject possesses bodily features not found in non-anomalous versions of the domestic cat.
I think it would be better to say that it lacks certain body parts, then mention that it has bodily features not present in normal specimens.
The opening caused by the umbilical cord detaching from the fetus.
I feel like it's not necessary to define what a navel is, as it has a clearly defined definition out of universe. A lot of people already know what one is, and the person in-universe reading it would also most likely already know.
After assuming the position of its prey
Is the "prey" the object it replaced?
SCP-XXXX-1 will absorb a certain percentage of its prey's mass
Do we know what this percentage is?
All in all this just very "eh", and isn't doing much for me. It's a hard science look at teleportation, and I appreciate the effort that went into analyzing how it would work scientifically, but this lacks any real narrative or hook. There's nothing here to make me interested.The lack of narrative and the numerous unclear details serve to weigh this down significantly. This could use a good proofread as well, as there were several spelling and grammar missteps that could have been avoided.
I have no idea what this is, or what it does. The text doesn't provide any context clues, and it never appears again in the rest of the text. What was the point of this? It feels like it's just weighing down the text. Making it longer than it needs to be.
Was from an older iteration of the article. Look in ''SCP Wars II: Attack of the Cats''.
Nonetheless, thank you for the criticism that still applies to the modern iteration.
I'm trying to do a bit of a ''mini-format screw'' and add some semi-meta content in here (Regarding the former number given to SCP-3XXX). Why? To my knowledge, no one has tried this before-and I'd like to see how it works.
Yes, it effects the plot. It justifies SCP-3XXX's Keter classification, and also shows how vast SCP-3XXX's range is.
Thank you for your time.
tretter covered a lot of the specifics, so I won't go over those again. What I would want to add is that given how deep you get into the science (comparatively,) I feel like you're missing a way to maintain reader interest if they aren't as into the physics. This partially relates to a hook I guess, but it's more of an ongoing feature that I've noticed a lot of successful articles have.
Aside from cats, there isn't really anything emotionally relatable here, at least as I understand it. A lot of articles touch on widely-experienced events and emotions, which gives the reader a way to access the story even if they can't appreciate other elements of it (an article addressing some advanced properties of light might also be relating to fear of the dark, for instance.) As-is, I think you're risking a lot of people giving up halfway through reading this when you start getting detailed about the mechanics of the anomaly.
It's hard for me to make direct recommendations on this subject, but thinking about what common experiences or emotions this anomaly might relate to would probably give some good starting points.
The emotion is supposed to be disappointment. Think of it-the entire universe, potentially the multiverse/omniverse depending on what you consider to be canon, is destroyed, and even if you (somehow) survive, the laws of physics would kill you.
And it's all because some douchebags wanted to make a pet cat that wouldn't die.
I think Christopher Eccleston summed it up far better than I ever could:
''You think it'll last forever, people and cars and concrete, but it won't. One day it's all gone. Even the sky.'' -Chris Eccleston, The Doctor Who episode ''End of the World''.
I don't really get that sense from it at all. I can only speak for myself in this regard, so I would recommend running it by others with a question about that specifically. It's easy to get caught up in what you mean for a piece of writing to convey and lose track of what readers actually get from it.
Well, I tried that, but it sounded like Doctor Wondertainment. So then I changed it, and I was told it didn't add anything to the story.
Not to sound rude, but there's a reason I've gone off-site for criticism. But I actually thank you and Tretter- his and your criticism has been the most helpful so far.
If you try to cherry-pick criticism so you only get stuff that tells you how great your work is, it won't end well. On-site criticism is 99 times out of 100 better and more accurate.
~🏵~Flower Power~🏵~
I'm not cherry picking anything-I just don't think ''This is stupid'' is valid criticism (Yes, that was something I was given without any context, from a well known author here BTW).
Why do you think I removed the poster, the scientifically inaccurate dumb hole, and that quantum non-local device? Hell, the entire damn concept was different before I made it into an assless cat. Also, no offense, but saying ''we're better than everybody else'' most of the time is considered arrogant and narcissistic where I come from.
I'm certianly not saying we're better than anyone, but the SCP Wiki and those on it understand the SCP Wiki better than anyone else. That's pretty common sense.
~🏵~Flower Power~🏵~
I'm not just talking about the Foundation-I'm talking about writing in general.
This is criticism for your SCP.
~🏵~Flower Power~🏵~
Also, no offense, but saying ''we're better than everybody else'' most of the time is considered arrogant and narcissistic where I come from.
It's not arrogant and narcissistic if it's true. People who critique on the site are more experienced in Site culture and the modern standards of the wiki than most people offline. That's not saying no one off site can't give good critique, it's just that, by in large, people who regularly critique in the forums are better than those who don't.
(account deleted)
