So my first SCP.
Figured I'd ask for comments, criticisms, and advice.
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Well, first I'm going to guess that English isn't your first language. Second, the tone needs a load of work. Thirdly, while I like mythological creature SCPs, and I really want to like this one, there's something definately off. Clean up grammer and tone, or find an editor, and you might be on to something.
Yeah, you're right. English isn't my first language, and the tone is kinda bad. I've been cleaning up the grammar. I'm not sure how to improve the tone though.
I actually really like the idea, and if you wouldn't mind I would gladly attempt to clean up the grammer and tone.
Alright I cleaned it up a bit. I think part of the containment procedures should be in the description but I'm not quite sure how to move it around. Tell me what you think.
The conveyor belt seems overkill. It's not like it takes that much effort to throw in a few buckets of meat or slide in a bucket of water. Other than that it seems okay. The grammar has certainly improved. Tone is more standardized. Not sure about the mood, it could be thicker, though that is mostly my own fault. Think we need a third opinion. I might take a look at it tomorrow. Anyone reading this might go ahead and change it if they feel like it.
Yeah I was really unsure about that, but just chucking food into the cage seems a bit…un-professional.
Oooh, I can already imagine the argument.
Guard1 “Look, no belt okay? It's to much of a bother. We got buckets provided to us.”
Guard2 “Yeah but… I already gotten the belt okay? We might as well use it.”
“Why? I'm not going near that thing more than I have to.”
“Well it's just…”
“I really don't.”
“It seems undignified.”
“You know. Throwing meat into the cage. It's like we're zookeepers.”
“It's the guys from breakroom isn't it?”
“Yeah well, you should hear them! You know what Steve got? His SCP has to be submerged in liquid mercury and then fifteen spotlights have to be kept inside the platinium laced freakin' cage so it doesn't eat everyone's faces and replace them with like… I don't know he couldn't talk about it. Something cool probably!”
“It's the guys from the breakroom.”
“Rebecca's got to go trough three different kinds of decontainment. They need to bring in a frickin professional dancer and a chicken. And the guys from 1023? Claws for hands!”
“Yeah well, you know what 173 get? A bucket and a mop! Just like us.”
“Oooooh don't get me started. First they're Derps, secondly their buckets are like, a badge of pride. They're treated like bloody heroes, hell they're almost like guards, and you know it. Every inch of those buckets are a measure of their courage. Ours is a measure of how far dinner can be thrown from a safe distance.”
“… you know what's really undignified? Referring to D-Personnel as derps.”
“Look, all I want is a conveyor belt okay? C'mon, it'll help us pick up chicks. I know Sarah has a thing for really Special Special Containment Procedures.”
“Okay, a) This is not being professional, in so many ways, b) If she's an actual SCP fetishists I will not go anywhere near her, and c) get. Some. Priorities. Straight. Also, d) please stop talking.“
“C'mon! We got the bleedin' cyclops. Odysseus and all that. We should have like… a boat with like trees and stuff, and maybe some pigs. You know what we got? We got a friggin' moderately sized chunk o'rock. And buckets.”
“Seriously. The cyclops in Odysseys lost his eye. This guy is not him. Also. That makes no sense whatsoever. Also. I got a cattle prod. If you do not stop talking, I will use it.”
“Okay admittedly the cattle prods are awesome.”
“Seriously. I will stab you.”
“But c'mon, a rock!”
“I'm getting the prod.”
*descends into cattle prod swordfighting*
Added him to the main site. http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-1108
Removed the conveyor belt, the rest is kept intact.
Edit: Ouch… General advice to take away…if you think you're being to clinical you probably aren't clinical enough. 'least people are honest.