This is my first attempt at writing an SCP. I understand the idea may not be particularly original, but this is more of an exercise of formatting and learning the proper tone and language before I set off on better ideas. Am I using too much detail? Too little? Am I not being clinical enough? These are the kind of things I'd like to know. The merit of the idea itself isn't as of much concern to me at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated.
I'm not sure that it's a good approach, much like trying to learn swimming outside of water first.
This isn't bad, though, as you probably know given your comment SCP-140 already deals with it, and a lot better.
Anyways, speaking of the actual article.
SCP-XXX is a retractable pen with a casing that appears to have been, for lack of a better word, “bejeweled”.
This sentence has nothing to do in a report.
SCP-XXX is a retractable pen whose entire surface has been densely inlaid with pink and white jewel imitations.
The tip can be extended and withdrawn by twisting the lower half of the pen counter-clockwise.
So you open it and close it by turning in the same direction? I thought these sort of pens were usually forwards-backwards but meh.
SCP-XXX follows the model of a pen manufactured by █████████, Inc. No other pens manufactured by said company have exhibited detrimental mental effects upon their users. There is no evidence to suggest that SCP-XXX was created by █████████, Inc., other than appearance. The object may simply have been modeled after the company’s line of sparkly pens.
This entire thing is horribly wordy, and could be reduced into
SCP-XXX 's appearance is identical to the FOO line of pens manufactured by BAR, Inc. No other pens manufactured by BAR, Inc. have been shown to demonstrate anomalous properties.
Further on. Recovery log should, if at all, be put after description of its effects.
SCP-XXX was confiscated by the Foundation under the guise of [DATA EXPUNGED] investigating cultist activity in the area.
Why the expungement there, for Bastet's sake?
At exactly one minute, the user will remove the pen and begin to write on whatever surface is available, be it a table, walls, mirrors, etc. A preference for paper has been observed in all test subjects when given the option. The user will continue to write until all available surfaces have been used, including the user’s own clothing, and eventually, skin. This also includes all orifices. Users have been observed to attempt writing on the inside of their bodies, even if it means suffering rigorous bodily harm to do so. Users typically pass out from blood loss by this point.
This could be worded better, especially the way the last sentence kinda dangles on, but I *love* the imagery you set up there - someone trying to write on odd places on himself.
I have a feeling that you might even ditch the blood writing in favour of this.. I mean , even with ink, the idea of someone writing (perhaps with an ordinary metal-tip ink pen) on places like underneath fingernails, eyelids and whatever is rather unsettling.
Similarly, I really like the test logs. The interview on the other hand appears cheesy, cliche sorts.
Last thing there… the elephant in the room is that you never bloody say *what* the subjects have written, and not even refer to it.
With some editing this *could* perhaps stand on its own, though probably won't have a wonder rating.. .but then, things less original have been doing well when the execution was very solid.
If you want to keep the 'creepy writing' and the 'writing on your body', maybe make it a tattooing needle that compels you to write on yourself when turned on? Except that most people don't know how to self-tattoo, so they end up with severe skin injuries and covered with illegible text?
If you still wanted to include some [DATA EXPUNGED], maybe have a D-class who is also a tattoo artist use it?
Thank you very much. This is very helpful.
The object being what it is, I don't intend to actually submit this SCP officially. I don't want to do things that have been done, I just need to learn how to do this sort of writing properly. I've been having terrible trouble with phrasing, as the kind of writing I'm used to doing is more "colorful". And the idea of censoring certain text is completely foreign… How do you determine when it is best to use [REDACTED], or [DATA EXPUNGED], or simply block out the text?
Once again I say, best way to learn is, read a plenty of articles, and actually make , drop by chat, and finally submit your own.
As for the last, I think there's a primer on them in the How to write an SCP guide.
That said, blacking out is a good idea for single words, while [REDACTED] and [DATA EXPUNGED] are used from sentences to paragraphs. Other than that… nominally they can be used in place of each other, except that a redaction implies this is a censored version of a full document, while expungement suggests the original was shredded, if I recall right, therefore being a more "serious" sort.