Sub: RE: Alert
Following analysis of the recent minor incident, we recommend the following actions be added to site sec protocol:
- When apologising for poor behaviour outside of office hours, a simple greetings card sent directly to the offended party will suffice. The bouquet of flowers found to have contained the incident source, while classified 'lovely', presents an unacceptable source of risk. Not only from further… 'attacks', but also from debilitating biological effects. Seriously, I want my hayfever tablets back.
- Secondly, training in quick-reaction combat utilising improvised armaments is advised. I have included a free lesson in the next sentence. PICK UP YOUR CLIPBOARDS AND SMITE THE BUGGER. If said 'threat' evades the initial sortie and becomes enraged, full clearance is granted to escalate the action from 'SMITE' intensity to 'SMITE RIGHTEOUSLY'.
- Finally, all instances of spillage involving 'jam', 'honey', or 'Professor Nutter's Peanut Butter' are no longer to be smeared into overall or labcoat sleeves. This isn't actually related to the 'incident', just… Really, just stop doing that.