I'm liking where this is going.
Date: 28 May 2012 00:23
Number of posts: 10
RSS: New posts
One thing which sort of bothers me is that making Dr Mirth a woman kind of goes counter to 662-L1, in which Mr Deeds calls Dr Mirth "sir".
Oh, damn, I completely forgot that. Maybe I'll edit it?
That, or Mirth is Peppermint Patty.
I am fine with Dr. Mirth being a woman and a 'sir'.
Unfortunately, however, this is a disappointing continuation to the first entry. The 055 reveal is a good idea - it won't make it into my headcanon, but I like it nonetheless - but the entire focus of this is on Dr. Evans, who is not a very interesting character. And L.S. himself isn't all that interesting either. Which means the expository scenes between the two are … just boring.
Even more problematic is that the 'induction' scene is, besides boring, way too easy. It goes exactly where we think it's going to go and goes there much too quickly. Why doesn't Evans even question what L.S. is saying? Wouldn't it be more interesting if he verbally resisted in some way? This is nearly devoid of conflict, and without conflict you don't have much of a story.
Redraft this and I'll happily read it again, but downvoted for now.
1) Why would they bother to ask Deeds "Is SCP-055’s presence in containment inimical to Foundation interests?". As part 1 said, Deeds is instantly aware of whether actions he's asked to take are feasible or not, but that question doesn't fall under that.
2) Is Deeds is a member of the Serpent's Hand? That would explain why he'd know the answer to question #2.
3) Why in the world would they put their most protected hiding place in the middle of a Foundation site, where it would be incredibly hard to get to?
Um…problems….Dr. Mirth is specifically referred to as "Sir" in 662-L1 which means Dr. Mirth is not female. If Mirth were female, Mr. Deeds would have said "Ma'am" as is proper, since Mr. Deeds acts properly and professionally.
Dr. Mirth also is HIGHLY unlikely to have been promoted, since Dr. Mirth was given a warning for using Mr. Deeds to do his chores. Dr. Mirth was implied to be highly irresponsible, and untrusted because of it. Only an idiot would promote Dr. Mirth with his history of using SCPs for his own gain.
Heck, Dr. Mirth created a security risk just by asking Mr. Deeds to wash his car, since the task required leaving the building, a big no no in the foundation. If anything, he should have been demoted or had his pay cut.
Also, as someone else pointed out, it doesn't make sense for The Serpent's Hand to be located in an SCP facility.
The idea was good, but…you didn't pull it together very well, and made several errors.