So, the Stranger flopped. Meanwhile, a joke entry. This was written with this in mind. Honestly, what would YOU do if you met someone like Ensign Sue?
Object Class: Annoying
Containment Procedures: Lock the damn thing in a coffin and throw it in SCP-354. The subject is to be contained in a soundproof chamber that has no way of opening it from the inside. It is to be given two servings of SCP-871 per day. The only company it is to be provided is D-class personnel.
Note: I know you hate the thing, Veldi, we all do. Our job is to study her, though, and dammit, that’s what we’ll do. -Dr. B█████
Description: SCP-01010-J is a tall, somewhat tanned Caucasian woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes. It speaks ceaselessly and insists that it’s better than everything and everyone around but also worse in ways that it believes are endearing.
Staff interacting with it describe it as “causing serious headaches,” “The most [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] I ever met,” “a pompous, egocentric [EXPLETIVE REDACTED],” and “SCP-732 given form.” Linguistics/Supernatural Researcher Veldi, in particular, has many, far more colorful descriptions, and has proposed several rather extreme tests and containment procedures that invariably end in the extermination of the subject. O5 has refused all plans regarding the specimen that come from Veldi.
The following is an interview that was conducted by Researcher Veldi during first obtainment.
Interviewer: Linguistics/Supernatural Researcher Veldi
Veldi: Now, miss, what is your name?
SCP-01010-J: Mary Midnight Darkness Eterna Kimiko Alto Sue.
Veldi: You could have just given me your first and last names…
SCP-01010-J: My dad’s Dr. Clef. I’m sure he’s told you all about me.
Veldi: Now really, this is an interview, I–
SCP-01010-J: Also, I think think that Dr. █████ is in love with me.
Veldi: Okay, I don’t need that information…
SCP-01010-J: My beauty is so great, IT’S A CURSE!
Veldi: Now, madam, if we could just–
SCP-01010-J: I have a troubled past full of many misfortunes!
Veldi: Awesome, now I have some questions to ask yo–
SCP-01010-J: And I’m going to tell you aaaaaall about it!
Veldi: What did I do to deserve this?
Addendum by Researcher Veldi: I hate this thing, I hate it, I hate it with the passion of a thousand exploding supergiant stars, I want this thing exterminated as violently and soon as possible.
Addendum: Some of Veldi’s non-presented proposals of containment procedures and tests, retrieved from his office, included:
*(The above redaction. Giving something to 354 is ill-advised.)
*Place it in the same area as SCP-10101-J, maybe they’ll cancel each other out Wait, no, screw that. They’d have annoying mary-sue children. We can’t have that.
*Throw it at SCP-682. Wait, no, SHOOT IT at 682. If that thing has a mind, it will be annoyed out of it.
*Give it to Able, see his reaction.
*Throw it in with SCP-469. Nobody watches that thing, it’s perfect.
*Find a way to contact SCP-993 and see what Bobble thinks of it.
*See how it fares against Dr. Kondraki.
*Put it in a room with Dr. Bright.
*Put it in a room with Dr. Clef.
*Put it in a room with anyone besides me, at this point.
*Check ballistics resistance.
*Use SCP-113 on it, so how its so-called charm works as a guy.
*Make it watch Fraggle Rock while strapped to a gurney with flashing lights on either side of it.
*Set it aflame.
*Sword-chucks, yo. Just have to figure out how to use them.
*SCP-244-ARC. Surely there’s SOMETHING painful on there.
*Everything that has ever been tried against 682 except SCP-999. And Guest Researcher Dr. W, obviously, since he’s dead.
*Put it on SCP-616. That might take some doing, though… Maybe Dr. Clef can help me.
*SCP-2558-J-Ex might do the job.
*I could tell the SPC that it’s a shark in disguise. They’ll take any excuse to punch something.
*Tell the Church of the Broken God that she’s made of clockwork. Hilarity shall ensue.
*The things that were planned on being used on 682, but O5 denied.
*Arrange for transfer to D-class. Long-term, but guaranteed if carried out.
*Expose it to SCP-610.
*Feed it to SCP-835.
*Throw it in SCP-1322.
*See how SCP-352 likes it.
*I’d say SCP-1055, but my entire self-defense strategy relies on me perceiving it as an oversized Winnie the Pooh. If I perceive it as dangerous, then the obvious happens.
*SCP-106. I doubt it’ll look as pretty when she’s rotting.
*Feed it to SCP-743. Bugs > mammals. Forever. ESPECIALLY if they’re made of chocolate.
*Not SCP-631, though. I like bugs, but them coming out of its back is kinda disturbing.
*Turn her into a Flesh Beast. SCP-427 takes no prisoners, and neither do the MTFs.
Note: Okay, we did NOT realize he hated it THIS much. Researcher Veldi has been transferred to another site, and the subject is to be given D-class as its only company. I think I can hear Veldi screaming thanks at me from Site ██. O5█