Firstly, welcome. I don't have the time at the moment to go line by line through this, but some general advice:
- Never, never, never redact the containment procedures. As gets stated often, if you don't have the security clearance to read the containment procedures, you don't have the security clearance to read any part of the document. You will get lit up for that if you post it to the mainlist.
- Your description needs to be tightened up. You've got recovery information clogging things up, and it takes a while to slog through to what the thing actually is.
- You've got tone issues. There are many places where what you're writing sounds more narrative than clinical, which detracts from the feel of the article.
The idea itself I'm conflicted about. I always like to see things that are just plain weird, and Payday Loan Swan is definitely weird and sufficiently different from at least anything that I've read. But the way this is written I'm kind of unclear as to how this supposed to work. There's some sort of compulsive element to this thing, but it seems inconsistently applied. And frankly, the idea that if I ask someone for a dollar the swan-man shows up and forces me to take out a loan at 1000% interest seems kind of weak.
Tread cautiously taking my advice here, since I'm far from an established member, but my feeling is that with SCPs, the less compulsion, the better. Compelling people to do stuff too often comes across as lazy writing because someone couldn't figure out a better alternative.
This is a start, but it needs a lot of work.