First off, you guys are solid gold for taking the time to look at my SCP. Solid iridium, even. Thanks for the help!
There are some word choice issues throughout that are hurting your tone, but I think its a pretty good concept.
I am confused as to why it was so urgent that this film not be shown. I think you might want to drop an addendum about an unintended side effect of viewing the film discovered after the fact.
Clean up your word choice and tone and I would upvote.
Tried to add some negative repercussions of showing the film, as well as flesh out some of the backstory. Let me know how it went. Word choice is a bit difficult to fix, since I got Writer's Blindness and can't tell what's no doubt glaringly obvious poor word placement in my own work. I'll try though.
What I get from Incident 44-Goldin is that it was caused by the subjects being allowed to live for a long time after being exposed, rather than it being caused because they were kids.
You know what? You're right. I'll fix that.
I always thought that with kids the Foundation just dosed them with amnesiacs and returned them to the orphanage they came from. :(
Yeah, that made me frown too. Foundation can be pretty heartless some of most of all the time.
Was that iteration of the film portraying an alternate history where the war department's Division 12 took over arresting enemy agents?
Hmm, I don't want to kill the unknown factor, but certainly something along those lines. I'll change the wording and the name of the organization, make my intent a little clearer.
Shouldn't that be something like "attempted to escape their dormitories"?
You're right! Crappy word choice. Fixed.
Wait, so far as I can tell, they deviated from protocol by not killing them at the end of the month, so what's this about "squandering resources"?
So the department of war (or at least Division 12) not only knows how to make anomalous items, but is willing to reveal this to the world by making an anomalous "Duck and Cover" movie?
Hmm. That's a bit incredulous, isn't it? The effect I'm trying to get, without saying to much, is that
I'll fiddle with the wording some more, add some stuff. Attempt to guide the reader down this horribly contrived rider, while staying out of the way enough to still make them the drivers.
Thanks for the help, Khym Chanur. You're world class.
I don't think the termination reference or the O5 comment are going to be appreciated.
Ah, my attempt at winkwink nudge nudge humour at the overabundance of the word Termination. I see it went over like a ton of bricks. Happily removed.
Does a viewer get transported into the film?
Or does the regular character get replaced by a version of the viewer?
Do they die, or are they brought back to the real world once the scene or movie finishes?
Do they suffer from any lasting effects?
Well I'd be a pretty crappy storyteller if I just told you everything.
Thanks again to all of you folks. Hopefully you'll like the changes I made. Anything else needs fenagling, let me know.