Please give me feedback. I will be making documents to show explorations of the house.
This just seems like your typical haunted house lore. Maybe the exploration logs will add something, but for now, let's take a look at the article itself.
The first two points are formatted incorrectly. Instead of:
It should be
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Description: Scp XXXX Is approximately thirty (30) feet in height, and forty five (45) feet in width.
SCP-XXXX, not Scp XXXX. Also, USE METRICS. And is this house 2-dimensional? I only see height and width.
Some aspects of the exterior design of Scp XXXX date back to as far as 1600 A.D. to as current as 1925 A.D. No confirmation of the date it was built. The inside design looks like a house built in the mid 1800’s (1850) mostly. When
1600s style where? American 1600s style? British? Please elaborate. In fact, look at some architecture articles on Wikipedia, or find a good picture of a house that looks haunted. And the tone is just.. off. "Interior design", not "Inside design".
When in the threshold of the house, all audio and video feed are cut off. When upon exiting the house, all audio/video will function properly again. Lights also have no effect in the house, although there are lights and light switches (none of which work) in all explored rooms of the house.
No matter whether there is clear daylight or complete darkness, the house is dark on the inside; very little natural light will shed into the house from the door or windows.
Tone, tone, TONE. The tone on all of this article is just completely unclinical. Go read the Technical Writing and You guide for an idea of how to do a clinical tone.
Reports from personnel say that you can here certain sounds such as tapping, at about two (2) taps per second at about three (3) seconds at a time. Also short, quick whispers, forming what sounds like words, but can never be made out. Faint images of people and animal-istic looking things. When inside the house for more than a half an hour, brain trauma and deranged thought will occur.if over an hour in the house, persons will develop an extreme case of agoraphobia and will not exit the house by any means. They also will not eat or sleep, and eventually die from either hunger, thirst, or fatigue. If subject is retrieved from the house BEFORE fifty (50) minutes, they will be fantasized with the the mutilation of human bodies, and the torture or death of humans.
…this is just… no. I'm sorry, but this needs a LOT of work.
This is just a stereotypical haunted house. I needs a proper hook in order to get people interested. And work on the tone and format, please.
Thank you, your comment was the most helpful I have gotten so far, And I will go read the guide you suggested. Reading over the last part again and I do see a lot of things wrong with it, and the documents, When I am finished with them I will post them up.
How is this for a rough draft for a document?
Document #XXXX-I: Exploration I
D-11386 is a 34 year old Caucasian male, equipped with a 50 watt flood lamp,a gallon jug of water, and 5 nutrient bars. The time is 11:49 pm, pacific time. D-11386 is also equipped with an audio/video recorder, and a headset for communicating with Dr.██████, while inside the house.
D-11386: So I just head in, doc?
Dr. ██████: Yes, please proceed into the building.
D-11386: Ok doc
D-11386 shines his light through scp-XXXX, no light sheds onto any of the inside of the house.
D-11386: Uhh, doc, my light ain’t working.
Dr. ██████: please shine your lamp out on the grass.
D-11386 shines his flood lamp out on the grass, proving the light works.
Dr. ██████: please continue forward.
D-11386: but my light ain’t working doc, I can’t see a thi-
Dr. █████: I am aware of the condition of your lamp. Leave the lamp outside, and continue forward.
D-11386: Well, alright doc, just, gimme a second.
D-11386 enters the house.
D-11386: It’s real dark in here, doc. I don’t wanna do the mission no more, doc.
Dr. ██████: Is your video feed on and working.
D-11386: Yea, wait, no, it was working just a couple seconds ago, doc, it’s not anymore, the audio either.
Dr. ██████: Noted, continue forward.
D-11386 walks forward and vanishes into the darkness.
Dr. ██████: can you hear me?
Dr. ██████: D-11386, can you hear me, if you can, come out of the house.
No reply, thirty minutes pass
d-11386 emerges from the house and collapses
Mental trauma and suicidal thoughts reported from D-11386. D-11386 date of termination [REDACTED]/12
Feedback is appreciated. Note: just a rough draft