Sandbox: SCP-1410
Advice is always welcome; Typo, Grammar, Tone.
Sandbox: SCP-1410
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» Sandbox: SCP-1410
…wow, that's actually pretty good. It's not perfect, (the tenses go a bit askew in the second paragraph of the description), but it could turn out pretty well. Now, usually I leave stuff like grammar and typos up to other people, but since your threads specifically states to point out errors in those departments, I guess I'll state 'em (bold indicates how I think it should go):
1:
But SCP-1410 was restrained by Agents wearing helmets insulated against sound.
2: The 'buts' in the incident reports don't feel right, and they make the whole thing feel rather routine-like.
3:
SCP-1410 made the words ''wanna bet?'' on the tray by using beans.
Why did he have beans?
4:
The words were discoverd by transport personnel. The personnel was restrained while moving to lay a bet with SCP-1410.
The repetition of the word 'personnel' doesn't read well. And 'personnel' is plural, I believe.
5:
Currently, SCP-1410's eyes are covered by a blindfold. Also SCP-1410 is handcuffed behind his back. SCP-1410 is warned that must not say anything. SCP-1410 is expected to be used for decommissioning SCPs.
Again, repetition of 'SCP-1410' doesn't make for smooth reading.
Overall, I believe it's looking promising, but needs some work in places. Take my opinion as you will.
Thanks for your advice! I've just fixed wrong parts.
1: But SCP-1410 was restrained by Agents wearing helmets insulated against sound.
3: SCP-1410 made the words ''wanna bet?'' on the tray by using food wastes.
4: The words were discoverd by a transport staff. The staff was restrained while moving to lay a bet with SCP-1410.
5: Currently, SCP-1410's eyes are covered by a blindfold. Also SCP-1410 is handcuffed behind his back. SCP-1410 is warned that must not say anything. SCP-1410 is expected to be used for decommissioning SCPs.
No items available to tell a person's fortune are to be allowed inside the cell of SCP-1410.
SCP-1410 appears to be an adult male in his late 20s.
Before the confinement in prison, SCP-1410 was carring a item available to tell a person's fortune and a pistol.
At that point the subject suited the action to the word.
Incident 1410-1: Dr. █████ was suggested a bet by SCP-1410. SCP-1410 progressed the bet by using a phone. When Dr. █████ died, SCP-1410 tried to escape. But SCP-1410 was restrained by Agents wearing helmets insulated against sound.
Incident 1410-1: SCP-1410 showed a paper written ''Do you want a bet?'' to a researcher behind the window. SCP-1410 progressed the bet by using a coin. When the researcher died, SCP-1410 tried to escape and killed secure personnel by showing the paper. But SCP-1410 was sniped by a stun gun and restrained by Agents.
Incident 1410-2: SCP-1410 made the words ''wanna bet?'' on the tray by using food wastes. The words were discoverd by a transport staff. The staff was restrained while moving to lay a bet with SCP-1410.
SCP-1410 is to be provided three deals per day.
Do you mean meals?
SCP-1410 appears to be a adult male.
It should be an adult male.
At that time, SCP-1410 laid a strange bet with a prison guard and escaped from the prison. After the escape, SCP-1410 was secured and brought into containment by Agents.
Before the confinement, SCP-1410 was carring a item available to tell a person's fortune and a pistol. When SCP-1410 suggested a bet risking a person's life, the subject readily accepted the bet. SCP-1410 always won on the bet and forced the subject to suicide with the pistol. At that point the subject suicided with the pistol.
The history of an SCP, if included, typically comes after the description of its appearance and effects. A formal document wouldn't present the SCP's effects through discussing it's history, it would just be "this object does this." You should probably specify what the fortune telling object was if you're talking about a specific case, but what does fortune telling have to do with making about?
By the way, "suicide" is not a verb. It's a noun. The correct wording would be "to commit suicide."
D-1941 was informed the way to win the bet and promised his free if he win.
That should be "his freedom." And the foundation wouldn't promise him freedom. They have complete control over D-class personnel. They can just order this guy to win the bet without manipulating him like that. Also, once again, you should specify the bets.
Dr. █████ was suggested a bet by SCP-1410. SCP-1410 progressed the bet by using a phone.
Why would the SCP have a phone, let alone know the numbers of a Foundation doctor? The Foundation doesn't just let potentially dangerous humanoids do whatever the fuck they want. And why would the doctor play along? Are people compelled to play along with the SCP's bets? I didn't get that from the description. Needless compulsion like that is kind of stupid, because it seems you were like, "shit, what if the person doesn't want to bet?" and you threw in the compulsion to make it more dangerous. More dangerous does not equal more interesting.
SCP-1410 showed a paper written ''Do you want a bet?'' to a researcher behind the window. SCP-1410 progressed the bet by using a coin. When the researcher died, SCP-1410 tried to escape. But SCP-1410 was sniped by a stun gun and restrained by Agents.
How could the SCP escape its cell by killing one researcher? It's still gotta physically escape its cell, and I'm pretty sure the security of its cell would depend on the life of one researcher. Also, "snipe" isn't proper tone. Very non-clinical. A more proper term would be "incapacitated."
SCP-1410 made words ''wanna bet?'' on the tray by using beans. The words were discoverd by transport personnel.
This just doesn't make any sense.
Currently, SCP-1410's eyes are covering by a blindfold. Also SCP-1410 is handcuffed behind his back. SCP-1410 is warned that must not say anything. SCP-1410 is expected to be used for decommissioning SCPs.
This should be in the containment procedures, and they would just put something over the SCP's mouth to keep it from speaking. Also, SCPs are almost never utilized like that by the Foundation. Even if it might seem that doing so could solve some problems, the Foundation can never be too careful. Cross-testing can have terrible unwanted results.
We don't know why SCP-1410 win on all bets. But one thing we know for sure, the goddess of victory is always on his side. - Dr. ███
This does not belong in a formal document. At all. Far too poetic and redundant.
Overall, this isn't going to work. A guy that kills people by always winning bets? Pretty boring.
Edit: Also, see JakeFlinthart's grammar corrections.
I fixed some parts.
SCP-1410 is to be provided three meals per day.
SCP-1410 appears to be an adult male.
SCP-1410 always won on the bet and forced the subject to commit suicide with the pistol. At that point the subject committed suicide with the pistol.
Experimenting has shown that SCP-1410 can make the subject commit suicide with potential weapons. In some experiment, the subject committed suicide with a pencil. When there are no potential weapons, SCP-1410 forced the subject to commit suicide by biting off the tongue.
"Committed" is spelled with two "t's." I probably should have mentioned that.
Procedure: There are two cards provided from the foundation, Ace and Joker. Who pick up the Ace is a winner, the loser should commit suicide with a pistol. D-1941 was informed the way to win the bet and promised his freedom if he win.
Note: D-1941 was informed the way to win the bet and promised his freedom if he win.
Result: D-1941 picked the Joker lost on the bet and tried to commit suicide with the pistol. As a researcher took the gun, D-1941 tried to escape from the chamber. D-1941 died from a bullet wound while escaping.
Note: Although D-1941 was informed the way to win the bet, he didn't follow it. The reason is unknown.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1410 is to be contained in a standard cell. As of ██/██/20██, SCP-1410 is to be contained in a soundproofed cell with no windows. SCP-1410's eyes are covered by a blindfold. Also SCP-1410 is handcuffed behind his back.
Incident 1410-1: On ██/██/20██, SCP-1410 showed a paper written ''Do you want a bet?'' to a researcher behind the window. SCP-1410 progressed the bet by using a coin. As the researcher opened the cell, SCP-1410 tried to escape and killed secure personnel by showing the paper. But SCP-1410 was incapacitated by a stun gun and restrained by Agents.
Note: SCP-1410 could lay odds granting some wish on the bet. At that point SCP-1410 might lay the odd opening the cell.
Addendum: Currently, SCP-1410's eyes are covered by a blindfold. Also SCP-1410 is handcuffed behind his back. SCP-1410 is warned that must not say anything. SCP-1410 is expected to be used for decommissioning SCPs.
We don't know why SCP-1410 win on all bets. But one thing we know for sure, the goddess of victory is always on his side. - Dr. ███
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page revision: 4, last edited: 06 Mar 2013 22:34
