Author, your URL shouldn't have a colon in it. It keeps this from showing up on the Recently Created list.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
UIU File: 1988-021 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page UIU File: 1988-021.
Noting that the URL has been changed to remove the colon.
I feel as though most of the crit that was given to you in the chat still holds up here. The ending section with the speculating from people who didn't have anything to do with the event feels unnecessary, especially when you introduce an anomalous character that the UIU takes into their custody, which we never hear from. In the bigger picture of the canon, the interview is really the only part that doesn't retread what's already been done.
I agree that the interview is the key part to this story, and that the anomalous witness (who is not in UIU custody) is the most interesting aspect, but unfortunately the UIU format doesn’t necessarily lend itself to extended storytelling. Being that I couldn’t see a way to reasonably explore the relationship between the WITSEC applicant and the UIU Agent here, I instead provided what I reasonably could explain as necessary in a government document and chose to explore the two character’s story further in an actual tale, as that format lends itself much better to character exploration and deeper narrative threads.
EDIT: Noting that this UIU page was issued a rewrite following criticism and suggestions.
My feeling is essentially that the event does not seem sufficiently relevant to the UIU to merit an official report, despite the threads of involvement presented. Jurisdictional issues aside, this especially isn't something that could be handled by a law enforcement agency. I think this mission discrepancy is what leads to the feeling of aimlessness that I got while reading it.
If I may ask, how would this not merit an official report? One of the UIU’s field offices is destroyed (which carried valuable intelligence documents and is FBI property), everyone inside is assumed dead (probably a minimum of 20+ FBI agents whose bodies are unretrievable), a still-active EI Asset reports on the attack when found before also dying, and the creature came out of the Atlantic Ocean (which borders US territory and implies that this could happen to an American city). All do respect, I don’t see any scenario where all this could happen and there somehow not be an official report about it afterwards.
Sorry, I should have been more specific. I don't think this merits an a report in the same format as a criminal investigation (evidence section, suspect, etc.) It's definitely an event that would be reported on, but it doesn't strike me as something that would be handled in the same way as the investigation of a crime. There's some stuff I could say about organizational structure of the US government, but I don't think that's as relevant here.
The format just doesn't seem conducive to telling this sort of story.
Very true. Honestly given the (not being sarcastic) helpful feedback here, I am considering rewriting this and removing/replacing sections that the format doesn’t really help, like the parts you mentioned about it being used as an investigation. Or I might just take this down and just go straight to the tales, instead of trying to ‘prime’ intrigue with a UIU Case File.
Though either way, I’ll probably keep this up for at least a few hours to get as much crit as possible before attempting a rewrite.
EDIT: Noting that this UIU page was issued a rewrite following criticism and suggestions.
This is incredibly over-elaborate and long-winded for something not very interesting, in my opinion. I'm impressed by the length you went with this, I respect you for that, but a giant lizard-squid that shoots fire isn't particularly interesting and I wasn't too keen on the humor, but mileage may vary. I'd appreciate it more myself if it were maybe half as long and either went full-humor or took a serious tone.
I think that the additional notes tab really needs to be trimmed down. Aside from that I like this.
For future reference, you can announce updates to pages in the comments or in a thread on the announcements board. Alternatively, you could have just taken the page down and reposted your updated version.
Either way, the much needed slimming down and tightening up on tone made this much better.
Agreed, this now has my upvote.
Author, if you haven't done so already remember to inform the community that this article has been rewritten by all relevant channels (forum, chat, reddit, twitter, etc.).
Gotcha, thanks all for letting me know. Still learning what I can and cannot do on this site, so I appreciate the help!
Although this is a decent UIU case file, for the sake of the canon, it doesn't need to exist. It's just another basic rundown of what has already been said from another point of view. There are many possibilities here, and another rewrite (with different motifs) is much needed here. If you have anything you would like to say, author, then please PM me. For now, please take my downvote.
A lot of my opinion holds true for most of the rest of the comments here. The description of the creature also seems a bit too familiar to me, sounding quite a bit like Biolante without the plant features.
/forum/t-5582798/uiu-file:1988-021#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 30 Oct 2017 00:04
