DAMN! That's good.
The ending is too…I dunno, it lacks something. It feels abrupt in a way that's not good, as well as a little cheesy and cliché. I know EXACTLY what you were trying to do with describing the "invisible force" he struggles against, but right now, that part is just meh.
I like the rest of it, though.
Since what the thing IS is never really told, I didn't feel right trying to determine what it was myself.
It sort of feels like the start of a tale, but what's there is good.
I like it, but it could stand to be a bit longer… Also, I'd recommend not giving a name, and having a link to the article in the last sentence.
From what I understand, it makes people curious.
I'll see what I can do, though I'm not sure how to work in the link.
You could end it with the name instead of starting it.
That is…not bad at all. Thanks you guys.
No problem. If you want an idea for making it longer… Maybe you could briefly go into his life before all of this? Perhaps you could go into how he rams things? Or the radiation? Jus some ideas.
It fizzles a little for me, I dunno. The entry itself fills me with such a hugeness of despair and horror that you've really got your work cut out for you, writing that first person perspective.
Alllrighty then, here we go, second draft. Feedback please.
Better. Though, it still is pretty awkward in some places. For example,
The accident though, that he remembered quite well. It had all been going so well.
could be reworded so that it's not so…eh, this is just my personal opinion, but it feels clumsy.
It's heading on a good track, but I think it still needs a little tweaking. You're doing well with his background, but you could do even more. I would suggest looking up details about this actual specific occurrance, expanding more on Aleksei's first frantic days up in orbit. Tell how horrified he was, having just witnessed the deaths of his close colleagues. Tell how hopeless he was, floating in space alone, fighting against the zero gravity in a fruitless attempt to claw his way back to Earth. Tell how he yearned for death by dehydration, and how thirsty and hungry he was.
And then tell how he reacted when he realized he wasn't dying.
My personal thoughts.
Well, the thing is this is a conspiracy theory. There most likely weren't any lost cosmonauts, just like it's most likely JFK was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald.
However, the rest of your ideas sound great. If I can write that kind of desperation properly, it could be awesome.
Hmm… I like it, however, there's a few things that irk me.
He had attracted a wife whom he seemed to remember being beautiful.
Er… I dunno. It just reads awkwardly for me.
God hadn't been sitting by the phone, it seemed. He had prayed to die rather a lot over however long he'd been stuck in this suit. The Devil hadn't been especially receptive either.
I feel that "god…seemed" should be moved to the next sentence
The pain arced through his chest, just as it had the time before, and the time before that, and the time before that.
Seems repetitive to me. Sure you cant say something like "just as it had before, time and time again"?
It needs some work, but overall, excellent work my friend. I approve.
Trying to be even handed— you responded well to the feedback, and this is better than the first draft. I think it's just something that I personally didn't want to see elaborated; the fact that the guy gestures but we can't reach or speak to him or even know who he is or why he's there carries a lot of weight.
So I think some people might enjoy it; the twist is at least improved. It just doesn't catch my fancy.
Hey that's fair enough. Sometimes stuff just doesn't appeal to people. It's cool. Thanks for the feedback. I had hoped I kept stuff vague enough to not really mess with people's headcanon.
Backround expanded, initial week or so after the accident expanded, awkward phrases rewritten, tell me what ya think.
It keeps getting better. I'm glad you took my suggestions into it, but you miiight've made a few too many references to the dehydration.
Also, it might work better if you make the first attack more abrupt.
In his grief-stricken state, the ramifications of his continuing existence were slow to occur to him. Eventually it dawned on him that, even if he had continuous oxygen, he would have long ago died of dehydration. At first this seemed like a miracle. He was so hopeful, certain that the motherland would not leave him here in the empty void of space. He had abandoned that hope in no time at all.
When the thing had first attacked him, he had prayed for death. He had prayed to die rather a lot over however long he'd been stuck in this suit. God hadn't been sitting by the phone, it seemed. The Devil hadn't been especially receptive either. Neither had Zeus, The Great Spirit, Nergal, Thanatos, or Hades.
I would say that his hope for being rescued was either broken after or during the first assault. Furthermore, I think you could be safe in at least giving your own interpretation of how it works, and it would aid the story a bit if you did so, in my humble opinion.
Well, I tried to make it clear that I think it's some kind of cosmic entity keeping him alive and torturing him. Anyway, few changes made.
I…I like it, but I don't really like the last sentence at all. Something about it doesn't ring true.