Here's my first pass at a tale. It's titled 'Requisition'. Any comments or criticisms are appreciated.
boredom which cause the
I think you miss the tense.
Apart from that, I do not like this tale one bit. It has way too much lolFoundation and features some awful metaphors to boot.
Plus, I'm pretty definitely sure Echo would have something to say about how military personnel are portrayed here.
While this is only meant to be an early draft, I absolutely see what you mean regarding the amount of bad metaphors. I'll defiantly focus on this.
Regarding the loldoundation comment…that's kind of what I was going for. Just as J SCP's don't stick with the continuity of the main list, so too was this written. Might I ask, was your concern with the loldoundation aspect itself or that it is just poorly written and unfunny?
I fear I may have not gotten my intent across regarding the Poe charter. It was supposed to be a gentle jibe at poorly written super Gary Sue characters, not any general critique of military personel.