Third collapsible is my newest tale. As the title says, I hope it's with much less suck. Feedback is appreciated.
I feel that, rather than behaving outright "evil", the salesman should be warm and friendly and innocent at first. no devilish grinning. and once it is time to collect, just switch over to a simply litigious manner. not malicious, more than happy to help. never refering to souls or possession, using terms like warranty or lease. almost as though he views humans as mere appliances. I think it could read scarier.
as far as the main protagonist, he is a bit emo and angsty… maybe shoot for resigned and sad with a tint of bitterness. it would make him more sympathetic and add to the tragedy. I knew a man who died of lung cancer, and the pain in later stages made him ready to leave this life… so it seems he needs a reason to be holding on in this story. whether selfish or noble, he needs a drive other than just it not being fair.
I hope those ideas help, your story doesn't suck. it just needs that thing to take it to the next level :)
I see what you mean there. Oh, and in case you didn't know, SCP-738 is what this is based off, if you need a comparison.
I had not read that one, though I have now.. I definitely think you can make something great here. one thing I would definitely suggest is to think around the existing SCP. not going against it, but expanding it. what details or gimmicks or themes could be used in your story to elevate or enhance the existing concept? I am interested to see what you may come up with.