Hello. If you could take time to read this and give me advice regarding revision of the page, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you, awesome people. ^w^
First of all, it's considered better to make a single page for all of your drafts rather than making a new one for every article you write up.
I didn't have any idea what the effect of the object was until near the end. You spend a great deal of space describing irrelevant details ("Jack's" various names/personae, the letters on the warehouse) and leave the reader hanging until the very end. This is not spooky; it is irritating. I don't want to spend three paragraphs trying to figure out why I should care about this warehouse/MPD kid.
Also, your tone is horrendous. I'm not going to bother with a line-by-line critique because (see below) I don't think this idea is particularly workable but a few general hints:
- Don't refer to humanoid SCPs by gendered pronouns (he, she). Use "the subject" or SCP-XXXX. Actually, just read this
- Don't tell us whether or not something is dangerous, spooky, stinky, whatever in the containment procedures. That's what the description is for.
- Foundation personnel do not idly speculate on irrelevant crap (like Jack's birthday) without some reason.
- Read this. Blackbox locality names.
The idea itself, as I understand it (kid draws monsters. Monsters come to life in warehouse!), is dull and cliche. "Drawings come to life" has been done to death and this fails to put any sort of interesting spin on it. In addition, the focus of the article is the kid rather than the drawings, which adds nothing and makes it seem like a self-insert/wish fulfillment. This idea isn't terrible, but it's not interesting enough to merit an article; my advice is to put this on the backburner for a bit and work on something else. Hopefully, something will cross-pollinate and you'll get a workable hook for this. Good luck!
Regarding having one page for all drafts instead of one for each, this is my only draft as of now, which is why it has its own page. I apologize for issues with tone, and will do my best to correct what you have brought up. This is my first page, so I don't quite have a grasp of how to go about it; lastly, I do intend to add much more about the warehouse and drawings, but I simply didn't have the time yet. I greatly appreciate you taking your time to critique my page, and I will edit it accordingly.
It doesn't matter if it's your only draft, if you'd bothered to read the Read Me First post in this forum, it clearly states that you should create a single sandbox page with your name as the title.
Rules are made to be followed.
I retract all statements made on the post previously present here. Disregard this section.
The legitimate reason for giving it your own name is so that if someone wants to find your sandbow to read what you've written, they don't have to remember the title. Also, on the sandbox page it states "Please only create a single page with your name as the title."
Also, you're new here and you're getting advice from VERY experienced site members, remember that before you get stroppy.
Please do not post entire drafts to the forum. Instead, go to the SCP Sandbox Wiki, create a single page with your name as the title, and link that in your thread. Please do not create a new page for each new draft you create. This helps us fight clutter on the sandbox.
This is under the "Forum Rules" section. Everything contained therein is part of the rules themselves. Before you lecture a member of staff who is one of the most experienced writers and the single most active provider of feedback on the rules that she wrote for you and other newbies to abide by, maybe you should make sure you actually have a case first.
While I second what Gaffeny said about the idea being fairly lackluster, I would like to focus on something I saw in the draft that could become a problem in future articles as well if not attended to- your focus. As Gaffeny noted, you put far too much focus on the personality of the SCP, and far too little on what it actually does. While you can make a character driven SCP article, you need to be smart about it. Instead of having the writer of the report dwell on traits he would have no reason to care about, you need to show them through other ways. An example: say you want to include your SCP's date of birth. Instead of mentioning it in the main text, it would be better placed as something he mentions in an interview, or a recovered journal, or a pre-containment surveillance tape. It makes the article appear far more organic.
Thank you. In order to keep myself from putting any focus on the human subject's personality, I have made it lacking of an apparent personality. It is shown in the interview to have subjective thought, but is not capable of conveying it any more. This should solve the problem of misguided focus.
This idea seems really unfocused to the point where I don't "get" what you're trying to visualize here. There's an abandoned warehouse, there's some kind of art or drawing involved, and there's a humanoid that's hostile in an interview. How does this all piece together, and more importantly why do I not have a clear picture of what's going on by the end of the Description block?
Another couple of things:
- The containment procedures are off. You should never say that it can't be "properly contained", we contain plenty of warehouse-sized anomalous buildings and we don't have any trouble with those.
- Whatever this name is on the building, you're either being too vague if you're trying to imply something, and if you weren't trying to imply something then the unnecessary detail is pure clutter. Either hint better or remove the reference.
I have edited the page further. I have now identified the link between the humanoid and the location, as well as an overview of the human's compulsory cataloguing behaviour. And I have finally begun to write up the list of manifestations, as well as their respective containment and/or termination procedures. I was intentionally vague on reasoning behind certain procedures with the manifestations. If you believe it would be better with the traits of the manifestations which call for the unusual procedures, simply state your opinion, and I will consider it. Additionally, I am aware that the list is short. Note that it will be expanded to included a minimum of one dozen unique manifestations. Also, I will continue to develop Foundation action regarding the subjects. I am layering it chronologically so that the finished product will have the realistic semblance of a document which has been edited to keep up with changes.
Still no good. A narrative reveal does no good if I'm not interested in it by the end of the first couple of paragraphs to want to read on.
Here's a rule of thumb from me: If you can't describe your entire concept in two or fewer short sentences, then it's too complicated for a single article. As a corollary, try boiling your SCP down to said short sentence(s) and then add only enough words to establish the clinical tone and add important details. It's much better to focus on your core idea than to try to paint in broad, sweeping strokes.
On a completely unrelated note, the sign now reminds me of ZOMBO.COM. This is not a good thing.
Okay. I apologize for my behaviour earlier; I was unaware that you were the one who had written the rules, and therefore was left to interpret them as best I could. I will make the change as requested. Additionally, if you would please explain to me what "Zombo" is, I would be rather grateful.
You are online, friend. You never need to ask for someone to explain a reference. Google is a few keystrokes away.
FYI, I went to the reference, and its reasoning was rather vague, leaving it to interpretation. How on Earth a search engine would have benefited me is beyond my understanding. Sorry, but I truly do not see the logic being employed.
I believe he was referring to the "Zombo".
As such, 0.41 seconds gives this.
However, in regards to the sandbox guidelines, I'm curious as to how they could be read as vague.
My mind processes things faster than I perceive them, so by the time I had finished reading, I managed to come up with several interpretations, all of which worked. Also, thank you for explanation. I glimpsed over the convo thread and forgot that detail.