And so, we get our first real look at the less pleasant side of the HI.
Date: 16 Feb 2013 00:48
Number of posts: 11
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Anyone else think the Achernites could be an interesting SCP or source for an SCP?
Possibly, possibly. Something that works on their integration method might be interesting. I'll see if I can come up with something.
The opening is fairly weak. It's description of weather and exposition. Not badly written, but not interesting. Plus, it over-explains things — for example:
He was well and truly sick of being looked down upon, and the fact that his fellow Shepherds didn't even have the dignity of doing so to his face only made it worse.
We got all that from the previous sentences better, with the slow-witted dog reference (which is good!). No need to then just explain it again.
Also —- about the second paragraph, if you change nothing else, I would split it after the sentence about making the Achrenites see reason.
Third paragraph: The last sentence should be its own paragraph, possibly combined with the following line of dialogue.
It's unclear for the neo-Pantheists line whether Raymond is trying to get DeMontfort to hear him, or if this is how he normally acts, …or what, I don't know. The blatant disrespect was so startling from what I'd been led to expect from Raymond that I wasn't sure he was even speaking the line.
"Raymond turned to see DeMontfort exiting the shed, and winced as two very large, very scarred, and very well-armed individuals grabbed a hold of his shoulders and dragged him after the Director. "
This sentence doesn't clearly indicate who's being grabbed: Raymond, DeMontfort, the Abbot? Rephrase.
Also, in the 'He tried getting up' line the structure seems to refer to DeMontfort trying to get up (because of the structure of the previous sentence), even though it's obviously Raymond.
"Um, how did you know?"
He didn't… overhear the earlier discussion?
"I'm nothing like that doddering old fart!" Raymond was surprised by his own outburst, but DeMontfort looked pleased.
Why? The earlier conversation indicates that Raymond talks like this all the time…
Overall, this is generally fairly good, albeit… predictable. It might be more surprising if I were reading it the context of having read a ton of other HI tales, but my current context is 'this kind of fiction offsite', so… I dunno, it's alright.
The magical heretics are pretty neat.
Not sure what think. No vote for now.