First attempt, standing by for criticism.
Blarg, fix that formatting. Space between each paragraph, please.
This is…well, this is something. Not the good kind of something. You got this guy, and he's shooting dudes, and apparently the Serpent's Hand is involved. I mean seriously, have the Serpent's Hand be interesting at least. They're wizards for crying out loud.
Also, you've got some odd sentence structures in there, commas and periods needed in places, all that.
Thanks. I needed a fairly balls-y terrorist group and the Serpent's Hand caught my eye, I might change it to the CI though.
I would advise against that. Serpent's Hand are wizards. Wizards = cool shit everywhere, which means something better than "dude shoots generic terrorists and also says things that sound badass".
hmmm so add an interesting combat sequence with Serpent's hand involving magic? or more interaction between the character and the leader?
Work on spacing, punctuation, and not making your character an action movie cliche and sociopath first.
The way that this is written, it sounds like someone is saying an entire paragraph in a single breath.
Well, first of all, you need some linebreaks in here. As it is now, it's a wall of text and fairly difficult to read.
Hm… I don't usually do line by lines for tales, but why not try it out?