I have a mystery story series in mind and they first piece done, but I want opinions before I post it, I also kind of want to figure out how to post it, but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
And the sandbox link
No other way to say this…it's really bad.
This reads like a script for some third-rate detective show from the 50's.
And you spelled "Euclid" wrong…
Try to refrain from double-posting on the forums; just use the "edit" function under the "options" menu at the lower right of each comment you post.
Also, the draft doesn't read well. It's rather incoherent and there are grammatical and mechanical mistakes (you have capitalization and punctuation errors) scattered all throughout the text. Also, a narrative reads rather boringly if you have a series of sentences that all start with the same word without stylistic significance.
I was asked to take a look at this, and… to be completely honest there isn't much to look at. Overall, there doesn't seem to be a direction or a purpose to this draft, just a stream-of-consciousness that doesn't go anywhere.
Agreed with the sentiment that this is a really cheesy excerpt that sounds like it was pulled from an old detective or spy novel, and not really in line with the theme of the Foundation as-is. There also just simply isn't enough meat to it to make any kind of real judgment; all you have is the barest beginnings of a story.