this draft is from Korea, and we got some critiques of the draft, mostly about that this draft seems to be translated with google translater. But it is indeed out first time translating a Korean-English draft. So, can anyone help with this draft? I would be glad.
This could definitely use the touch of a native speaker, because it's really hard to read right now. Would you mind explaining the base concept in simple terms? Also, is this based on a real-life incident?
It is based on a real life incident, which is based on this incident.
I am too a native speaker, but I'm not really sure how to touch this draft. Oh, this draft was written by Scka and translated by Scientasyist.
This… SCP is basically about a loop of an incident, which is Daegu metro fire. The SCP is an event of the incident reoccurring at the 18th of every month. There is a deactivation procedure, which means that an agent should get through the flames to the engine room and place the master key to open the doors and let the passengers (ashes, actually) escape, as in the actual incident, the driver of the trains did not open the doors. So, if the deactivation procedure fails 5 times, it actually appears to wait till the day and cause actual civilian causalities and set flames on the routes it pass.
Shortly, it is a ghost train that repeats the incident again and again till someone revokes the mistake(which is the deactivation process). If it continues about 5 times at once, then it causes actual damage.
My concerns with this are as follows:
- This seems like a fairly sensitive real-life incident to try to adapt into a SCP, but I suppose the Korean community would be a better judge of that.
- There is a lot of unnecessary detail in the draft as it stands; the idea of a ghostly train that wants someone to sacrifice themselves to save them has some merit, but it's being cluttered by the specifics of the incident.
- Unless the subway trains in Korea work very, very differently from how they work in other countries, I don't see how you could possibly hide the fact that a specific station (and by necessity the train lines that go through that station) are always shut down on a specific day of every month. It shatters suspension of disbelief for me.
I'm not really the best person for coming up with ideas, but I feel like this draft needs to focus on the idea that the ghosts of the passengers want the train company to take responsibility for their actions, and that the SCP object needs to be the train itself, rather than the station.
for 2, I don't…know if it's an sacrifice. I think the author tried to put impact on the fact that if only the subway worker had used the master key to open the door, the passengers would have escaped. But since it's not, I guess the SCP's deactivation process is to revoke that.
for 3, it shuts down at 4:00 AM-5:00 AM in the morning. So there are no passengers and no people.
Okay, thanks for the critique. I'll mail the author right away. If he changes anything, I'll post it again on the forum.
I'll give another shot at touching up the language on this one.
I'll start with point 3. in the description, as I think that is where I left off last time.
3. When the train arrives at █████████ station, two plastic bottles filled with gasoline, found within the first passenger carriage will open and pour their contents over the interior of the car, and a lighter found nearby will animate and ignite the gasoline. The doors between the passenger carriages then open. Automatically, a variety of animated objects will move into this passage, congesting it.
My attempt at cleaning it up a bit:
" 3. Upon arriving at █████████ station, two plastic bottles filled with gasoline, found within the first passenger carriage, will animate. These plastic bottles will open and pour their contents over the interior of the car. A lighter, also found within the first passenger carriage, will animate and ignite the gasoline. Immediately after this occurs, the doors between the passenger cars will open, and a variety of objects found throughout the train will become animate. These objects will move to obstruct the doorways between carriages. "
4. After arriving to the last passenger car and approaches to the engine room, agent should open the passenger door with supplied master key. The flame goes through the door if succeeds, turning into human shaped ashes. The subway arrives around AM 5:00 at the starting station, then goes through the wall right after the agent gets off from it.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by the 'human-shaped ashes'. Do you mean that people made out of ash get off the train and disintegrate? Also, if this procedure is followed, do the flames become extinguished? Anyway, here's a rough guess at what you might mean:
" 4. The assigned Agent should, at this point, enter the engine room and open the doors of the passenger carriages, using the supplied master key. If this is successful, the fire will spread out of passenger carriages before being extinguished. A group of humanoid entities, apparently composed of ash, will then exit the train before rapidly disintegrating. "
The master key was found beneath of the first seat at the first passenger car when the first phenomenon occurred, and was collected at the third revelation.
"The master key used in the deactivation procedure was found beneath one of the first row of seats in the first passenger car during the first instance of SCP-222-KR, and was collected by the Foundation after the third recorded occurrence."
When it fails to achieve deactivation procedure until it arrives at the starting station, the phenomenon makes it harder to achieve the procedure by making fiercer flames. At this time, it has appeared oddly that the subway gets clear and recovers its original feature. The subway will not disappear and run according to regular time schedule when it fails to attend the deactivation procedure five times. At this moment the subway that has to drive originally cannot be used because of unknown malfunction, SCP-222-KR that runs will get ignited and reenact the accident that happened at █████████ station. This is called as “repetition” situation.
"If the deactivation procedure is not performed when the train reaches █████████ station, the heat and size of the flames within the train will intensify, making performing the deactivation procedure more difficult. The train will then dematerialise. However, if five successive SCP-222-KR events occur without the successful implementation of the deactivation procedure, SCP-222-KR will begin to deviate markedly from its normal behaviour. Upon reaching █████████ station, the train will not dematerialise and will continue according to the timetabled route of subway trains operating on Subway line #█. Other trains timetabled to run during this period will experience malfunctions which will prevent them from operating, so that there is never a timetable clash between SCP-222-KR and another train. Upon reaching █████████ station for a second time, SCP-222-KR will catch fire, re-enacting the accident which occurred at the station. This is known as a 'Repetition' situation."
I'll see what I can do about the other stuff later.