Just finished a very early draft for my first SCP. The finished version will have an expanded Notable Specimens table and some interviews. P-please be gentle
I'll say this for everybody I give feedback to- here's some technical stuff. I don't like offering feedback on core substance that's too deep, because there are way better writers on the site that can do that better than me, and if I contradict them, I look foolish.
I like this a lot. I mean, I'm less judgmental than some of the members here, but this is really good for a first idea… It's cool and suggestive, but here's a few technical things that might need to be changed around.
Good work overall. The more pronounced writers here will carry you the rest of the way.
Thanks for the feedback, I've made some changes based on it. As for the Neanderthal skull, I'm not really sure what to do with it. Technically the Foundation wouldn't be able to communicate with it… I'm considering replacing it with some "weird" humanoid-monster skulls instead. Also, what else should I call the necromancer? They wouldn't use his first name so I just assumed Mr. was an appropriate prefix.
The neanderthal was different, it should probably be explained, was my thought. Even if it can't talk to you through language, some information could be gleaned from it; that could make an interesting note, although, it may come off as tacked on. Just a thought. But don't replace it with something weird, just 'cuz. You'll need an interesting reason, and a good story behind it (implied). Check this guy out for some inspiration.
As for the guy, just write him down as a full name ('…the shop-keeper, Agnus ████████████…') for the first mention, and then refer to him by his last name in the article.
I agree with you about the "Inspection of the graves of identified skulls has shown that the heads of the corpses have been removed" part, Cain. It doesn't add enough to counteract the fairly serious historical and logistical problems it raises. Besides, the idea that the skull think they belong to those figures but actually don't is more interesting to me.
Mister Bones: I don't have the time for a more in-depth look at this moment, but I'll return later.
Edit: Hi, welcome to the site. While I might not say what you want to hear, I'm trying to be gentle.
As it's a very early draft I'll focus on the premise: talking skulls created by some guy in New Zealand. There's more to it than that I hope?
To be honest. it doesn't do much for me. Skulls that talk aren't very original and the inclusion of historical figures just seems tacked on. We're to believe this Mr. Angus guy managed to steal the heads off these corpses?
In addition, the origin story doesn't read well. Why would an agent be suspicious when he hears people talking in the basement of an antiques shop? People don't usually talk in New Zealand? And why would he even be there?
The bottom line: either I'm really missing something here or you need a better hook than "necromancer slash antiques dealer creates talking skulls".
Edit: If I am missing something, feel free to enlighten me. I don't necessarily count as one of the brightest bulbs on here. ;)
Necromancy is probably more of a hobby.
Thanks for the feedback.
As I said, this is a very early draft. I'm going to try and expand on the guy's reasons for doing it (atm I'm thinking he's using occult Jewish lore, like the golems, but I'll probably change that), and I think I'm going to make some changes to the retrieval story. Hopefully the list of interesting skulls and the interviews will make this article better. Do you have any suggestions?
Like I said, no matter which way you turn it: it's talking skulls. What's the hook behind them? We have an article (SCP-1123) featuring a set of skulls that imprint a personality of a torture/violence victim on anyone that touches them. In essence, that's talking skulls too, but it takes it and spins it into a very interesting, emotional response-evoking direction.
What's going to be the hook that makes people go: "Damn" instead of "Meh"?
Yes, you might want to reconsider that part. While my knowledge of Jewish mysticism is far from encyclopedic, in general the idea of messing around with the remains of the dead is something that is considered abominable. The Golem was pure clay, not so much reanimated as, well, animated.
Oh that's right… You're new, welcome to the site. That's good work for a rough draft of your first article. Best of luck, and we all look forward to seeing some more from you.
Using your feedback, I've made some edits to the page. The major change is the retrieval story, and I've decided to have the shopkeeper be captured so I can do an interview with him.
This is really well polished; here's my rereview.
This is quality work. I get a real good vibe, and can picture having one of them myself, like a pet parrot with more personality. Mind if I write one of these into a tale?
Sure, knock yourself out. I'm going to write up a list of interesting skulls tomorrow, perhaps you could use one of them? BTW, thanks for the suggestion about the skulls' movement- I'd just imagined them sliding along the floor, but your idea of them using their jaws for it is must more interesting.
So they are a bunch of talking skulls. I'm reminded of Lothar from the lower ward in Planescape:Torment who had a similar collection. At least there you could talk to a bunch of the skulls and they had fairly interesting life stories. Here there's not even a single interview and the concept without any bells and whistles, and without any twists isn't quite interesting enough.
Things could be done with this, you just, well, need to do them. Get a hook in there.
You do realize that "things inspired by video games" are fairly high on The Big List of Overdone SCP Cliches, right?
I've never actually played Torment and even I can catch the reference. The tone of this article just feels off, and so far it reads as nothing more than a generic magic item or monster. Aside from the errors I've pointed out, I simply have no reason to care about it yet.