This is my first try at writing an SCP. All feedback is appreciated. My inspiration was to look at the first thing I saw on my shelf after getting accepted, and try to come up with a backstory for it.
Overview, Analysis, and Opinion
Brief Summary
It's a cow that makes babby from things
Overall Thoughts
It's a bit bland overall, could use a lot of cleaning up and clarification, and clearing up of logical errors. However, I feel like if you work off of the squick of a baby being accidentally formed from random animals it could have the potential to work.
Verdict
Downvote.
Suggestions
- Clean this up, do some rearranging, make this more logical. Think more of this through. (Also, why must it be only employees of one gender? DNA is DNA.)
- Redirect your efforts into a specific direction; focus this.
Specific Details/Line-by-Line
Formatting
First of all, the first line of each section is supposed to be on the same line as the title of that section (e.g. Item : SCP-XXXX)
Special Containment Procedures
SCP-XXXX must be contained in the center of a secure room at least 20 meters on a side.
That's a huge area; approimately sixty feet. I highly doubt you need it that big.
Personnel entering the room must be entirely composed on one gender.
Is this what you actually mean? Gender? Not sex or anything? Because it does so happen that there is a difference, and it is very crucial to keep in mind when writing documents such as this.
Additional stuff
You need to put more stuff in here. There's nothing here, really. You need more information here. How exactly are personell supposed to handle this? What are people absolutely not to do with this? How should it be tested? When writing containment procedures, what I find helpful is to imagine that some poor sap in-universe is getting the Special Containment Procedures and only those, and has to deal with the skip using only those. As such, I would suggest including as much information needed to help with this.
Description
SCP-XXXX appears to be a stuffed cow, about 2 meters in height.
That's a seriously tall stuffed cow. How tall of a cow do you really need? Who even makes stuffed cows that tall?
When the right "hoof" of the SCP-XXXX is squeezed,
"Hoof" doesn't need to have the quotes around it in this context. It's actually just a hoof.
The couple immediately noticed the child did not have a navel,
That's the most striking thing about this? That the child has no belly button?
Foundation agents discovered the anomaly and abducted the child.
…What the hell?
A medical examination and autopsy was conducted on the child.
Why the hell did they kill the child? Why wouldn't they just keep it alive to study it first?
SCP-XXXX appears to be an artifact that produced biological offspring "mated" from nearby humans. More study is needed with Class D personnel. See addendum and experimental log.
I really think that this information would be better placed before the recovery log.
Addenda
Drs. ████ and █████████ attempted to enter the containment facility in order to produce a child, having been unsuccessful in their own attempts for several years. A child was "born," but died within 30 minutes of birth. In addition to DNA from Drs. ████ and █████████, it was found to contain avian DNA, rodent DNA, and ███████ DNA. From outward appearances, the child seemed to be a mixture of █████, ████████, and █████. It is hypothesized the SCP-XXXX gathers biological material from nearby subjects in order to "assemble" a baby. In absence of human biological material, SCP-XXXX will adapt to use other material.
So, wait, why wasn't the first baby a horrifying chimera? Part human, part cockroach, part fly, part dog, etc?
9 days later, a baby was produced, the genetic offspring of the class D couple. 50 class D personnel were 3.855 Kg lighter, but with no anomalous effects.
Wait, the thing affects people while the babby is form? Why wasn't this in the main description?
███████ exploded. Dr. Hendricks played on psychological leave.
What
Thanks for such a detailed critique! I wasn't expecting that level of attention. Much appreciated.
To address a couple of your points:
- the idea was that the cow only makes babies from entities that would normally mate. It could make babies from two men, but it doesn't. Do you think it would be more creepy that way?
- I wanted to develop the narrative about how it worked throughout the SCP report, without stating it up front. In short, it tries to make a baby from available humans until it uses them up. If there aren't humans available, it uses other animals that it can reach.
- The 20 meters was established as the radius it affects