Hi everyone, I've been thinking about writing an SCP for a while now, but only recently have I come up with an idea I can deem good enough. I've read numerous SCP's but as this is my first time writing one, I'm not sure exactly how well it holds up. Any advice/criticisms are welcome thanks.
Hello! I took a look at this, and here are my thoughts:
I actually quite like the concept here, since it could easily lend itself to storytelling. Though in my opinion it would be more interesting if it delved into the fact that the effect continues even after the "crime" has been confessed to. I'd also like to see the potential breach of information risk posed by the object to be expanded on.
SCP-XXXX should be contained within a vacuum sealed container and placed under heavy soundproofing cloth or curtain when not in active study.
-So in the description it is stated that the sound is a product of the object's memetic effect and is only falsely percieved by anyone under these effects. If that is true, why is soundproofing needed?
-Why must the container be vaccum sealed? If the effect is based on a direct line of sight to the item, surely a regular safe-type container would work.
-Instead of "should be" I would consider using "is to be" since it sounds more authoritative.
When in active study, observation windows should be soundproofed with audio communication achieved with an electronic intercom with a minimum of 0.8ms delay.
-Why are there observation windows if the effect is propagated visually?
-Even if the effect was propagated through an audible sound, what would an audio delay do to mitigate the effects? Does the sound have to be directly heard?
Under no circumstances is SCP-XXXX to be viewed without at least two level 2 research staff with appropriate psychological training or equivalent.
-What would psychological training do to mitigate the effect? Are people able to resist the effect in some way?
In the event of a containment breach staff allocated to containing SCP-XXXX are reminded that noise cancelling headsets work electronically, and thus will NOT shield the wearer from the effects of SCP-XXXX.
-Again, if the sound is only percieved by those under the SCP's effects, why would you need noise-cancelling headsets?
-When you say containment breach, do you mean a loss of power? Noise cancelling headphones are often rechargeable or battery powered, so this shouldn't be an issue barring an extended loss of power.
SCP-XXXX appears to be a solid white carving of a human heart purchased from ████████ Curiosity shop in ██████, Baltimore by off-duty SCP field agent ████ █████████ who was embedded in the local police force.
-What the object looks like can probably be confirmed by using D-Class to look at the item, or by looking at photographs if the effect is only through direct observation. You may want to omit "appears to be" and replace it with "is".
SCP-XXXX was discovered by foundation assets 14 hours later when the agent began raving about classified foundation information over police radio, particularly about SCP-███ and SCP-████, both of which she had helped contain.
-Try to avoid using pronouns like she when using a clinical tone. Try using "subject" instead.
-Quick edit for tone and flow:
SCP-XXXX was discovered by foundation assets 14 hours later when ████ █████████ began raving about classified information over police radio, particularly about SCP-███ and SCP-████, both of which the subject had assisted in containing.
Communications were intercepted just 6 minutes after they began. Investigations into individuals who had potentially heard the broadcast resulted in █ terminations.
-Why termination and not amnestics? Is information divulged by individuals under the effect of SCP-XXXX not able to be forgotten?
-Consider ommitting "just" from the first sentence. It seems to flow better without it.
Line-of-sight exposure to SCP-XXXX results in the manifestation of 'pumping' noises, appearing to originate from within SCP-XXXX, consistent with those made by a human heart beating at ██ BPM.
-Do you have to directly observe the item, or do photos and/or depictions of it carry the same effect?
-Why is the BPM redacted? It just seems odd to me.
Though the noise cannot be measured electronically and is thought to be a memetically generated effect, it's sound cannot penetrate material that would inhibit natural sound, and can only be heard by the viewer.
-This is confusing to me. So do persons under the effect percieve the sound as being dampened? If they can't hear the sound, does the effect disappear? This could give the reason as to why noise cancelling equipment is needed.
-Edit for clarity: This effect cannot be measured and is thought to be an auditory hallucination experienced by persons under SCP-XXXX's effect. When sound-cancelling materials are utilized, effected individuals will perceive the noise as being silenced or dampened.
X-ray analysis shows the object is partially hollow, further testing reveals the inside of SCP-XXXX resembles the internals of a human heart with striking precision thought impossible for a non-anomalous object of this age.
-The wording here is really confusing. Edit for clarity:
X-ray analysis revealed the object to be partially hollow. Further testing indicated anatomical precision generally considered impossible for an object of its time period.
Paranoia and general unrest have been observed to grow in any test subject in the same space as the beating heart, with several reports of empathic feelings of judgement, guilt, and dread among personal with the highest ranked time with SCP-XXXX.
-There's a few issues with tone here and the wording is confusing. Example edit:
Paranoia and general unrest has been observed to manifest in any test subject in the proximity of SCP-XXXX. Personnel who spend large amounts of time in the vicinity of SCP-XXXX report heightened feelings of guilt and dread.
After a minimum threshold of ██ hours in this state, all class D personal have been observed to confess any and all crimes they have committed, according to their own moral compass as consistent with their psychological evaluations, beg for their release.
-Again, the wording here is confusing. In what state? I would also omit "beg for their release" since it doesn't really fit here.
-After the minumum threshold of ██ hours under SCP-XXXX's effect, subjects will begin to confess to any real or perceived crimes they have committed.
Subject: Class D operative [DATA EXPUNGED]; designated SCP-XXXXa
I would suggest simplifying this down to Subject: D-(insert random number here)
Procedure: SCP-XXXXa locked in an improvised storeroom with SCP-XXXX. Left alone for 3 hours.
-Why an improvised storeroom and not something like a test chamber?
-I'm fairly sure that staff would at least monitor the subject via audio.
Results: Upon release SCP-XXXXa begins raving about the "heart that knows" and something referred to as "the trial of feathers".
-Why is the subject saying this and not confessing to his crimes?
Analysis:SCP-XXXXa sent for prompt phycological evaluation. Determined insane, Termination was immediate.
-The correct spelling is "Psychological"
-"Insane" and "Sane" are legal definitions, not actual psychological states.
Analysis:**SCP-XXXXb sent for prompt phycological evaluation. Determined sane, but a markable decrease in inhibition factors by 15% Termination was immediate. recommend screening for mentally stronger subjects. SCP-XXXX appears to have changed shape slightly during the 3 hours, Analysis shows the internals of SCP-XXXX has reconfigured to closely resemble the heart of SCP-XXXXb found in the autopsy. Request to perform a vivisection on the next test to study this phenomenon.
-Again, sane and insane are legal terms.
-Why were their inhibitions lowered? How would a more mentally sound subject change this?
-How would a vivsection help when it's the object changing shape? Also, you could get a detailed view of someone's heart via medical imaging. The Foundation is cold, not cruel; they aren't going to vivisect somebody without a solid reason.
Subject: Class D operative [DATA EXPUNGED]; designated SCP-XXXXc
Procedure: Full mental and vital monitoring in an interview room. Left with Level 2 research staff for 3 hours.
Results: One member of staff was found explaining the function of the test to SCP-XXXXc while one member was staring blankly at the one-way mirror.
Analysis:SCP-XXXXc and staff sent for prompt phycological evaluation. All determined sane, Termination was immediate for all due to potential compromise. Recommend isolated testing and construction of specialised testing unit at Site-76.
-I don't understand what happened here?
-Why would staff be immediately be terminated rather that at least attempting to use amnestics?
Despite being instructed to give nothing away, after 10 hours, SCP-XXXXd began biting his fingers and writing his real name on the walls of the cell while begging to be released. After 12 hours SCP-XXXXd began to calm. 13 hours later SCP-XXXXd began staring into the one way soundproofed mirror and could be heard reciting details related to the containment of SCP-██, SCP -███, and SCP-██ along with miscellaneous minor offences they had committed prior to joining the foundation, consistent with SCP-XXXXd's background check. When SCP-XXXXd was released, they thanked the observation staff then stood motionless in the hall.
-Why did they write their own name on the wall?
-Again, try to avoid using pronouns.
Analysis:SCP-XXXXd sent for prompt phycological evaluation. Determined sane, emotional state reads as 'content'. Termination was immediate. Recommend further analysis of current data and material before further tests.
-Why was he terminated if he was deemed mentally sound? The Foundation is not going to go terminating their staff for no reason.
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-Why is it of unknown validity? Don't they know that it came directly from the subject?
-I would perhaps suggest formatting this as an interview, as it seems more logical that an interview would be conducted after testing.
-The dialogue here just isn't believable. It's too filled with prose to me.
At last, I knew I had reached what I saught.
-"Sought" not "Saught"
Should a new form of analysis become available, whether material, psychological, memetic, theological, thaumological, or even █████████████, requests for appeal can be made to Dr.████████
-Why is a new method of study needed?
I hope this helps, and good luck on your writing!
Thanks so much, I've since edited the draft with these notes in mind and feel like its a big improvement. I guess sometimes I write sentences and in my head, they make sense because I've given them context, but obviously readers can't be expected to.
Revised this on and off for the last 14 days so I'm hoping to get some new feedback!