iPhone 4S
I thought it was an interesting concept. Here's the link It is my first SCP attempt
iPhone 4S
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» iPhone 4S
Summary:
My first SCP
I chuckled a bit, but I have a few suggestions:
(I'm a newbie too so if someone else contradicts me go with their advice)
- That's a lot of strike-throughs. I've seen a few similar-ish SCPs and they usually try to deliver the plot twist in a way that doesn't annoy the eyes as much…
- I think the delivery can be made funnier too. Perhaps add some speculation that the smudge is a paranormal entity or something like that?
- Also the joke spoils itself a bit with the strike-through and all that. Maybe there's a way to formulate the delivery so that it's a bit harder for the reader to realize what's going on?
Ill keep that in mind! I'll edit it, maybe go a bit easier on the strikethroughs and add more
Kinaidos, can you elaborate a bit more here?
I chuckled a bit, but I have a few suggestions:
What made you chuckle here? Can you explain so the author knows what they got right and should keep, especially if others don't really like the draft?
That's a lot of strike-throughs. I've seen a few similar-ish SCPs and they usually try to deliver the plot twist in a way that doesn't annoy the eyes as much…
Can you link the author to some of these "similar-ish" SCPs so they have an example to refer to of how to deliver the plot twist while minimizing the strikethroughs? Alternatively, do you have a suggestion for a presentation of the old/archived material besides strikethroughs (e.g., a collapsible with "outdated information")?
I think the delivery can be made funnier too.
Why? What kind of humor should the author be going for here? Sarcastic? Just straight-up silly? How would this improve the article?
Perhaps add some speculation that the smudge is a paranormal entity or something like that?
Why? Again, how would this improve the read for you?
Also the joke spoils itself a bit with the strike-through and all that.
How does it spoil itself and would it be better if the lead-on-y material was taken out entirely, just reworded, or moved elsewhere?
Maybe there's a way to formulate the delivery so that it's a bit harder for the reader to realize what's going on?
This can potentially worsen the article, since taking away information can just make the article more confusing. Is the issue that the delivery is too blunt, or that it comes too early, or something different? Purposely obfuscating the information doesn't always solve every issue with delivery.
(I'm a newbie too so if someone else contradicts me go with their advice)
If you're not inclined to write more of a substantial review, please hold off on making the first post so a more experienced reviewer can address the thread first. As staff reviewers prioritize threads with no replies, someone posting a somewhat-problematic critique actually can make it harder for the author to get a more thorough review.
/forum/t-7513974/iphone-4s#post-
page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
