An intriguing SCP that my friend and I brainstormed up. This is the draft I have so far but I plan to add a lot more to the Addendum. The feel I'm going for is to basically portray the skip as a guardian of the ruins he was in, and he was protecting the world from something that was inside, but once the Foundation has him he keeps trying to escape because he believes that this mystery being will cause an XK, and he's the only one who can stop it. Because he keeps trying to breach, the Foundation doesn't trust him or take action, much less allow him to take any action. I also want to cause some conflict in the reader's head, if possible, to add to the stress of discerning whether he's telling the truth in his warnings to the Foundation. That's the kind of spook factor I'm going for.
Time for critique, my main man.
Before we even start, just be sure to take the bold away from your Item #. It should read:
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Not:
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Like you currently have.
Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a 6x6x8m […]
Does the containment chamber need these specifications? Will containment not work if the containment chamber is some other size? If the answer is no, you do not need to specify the size of the containment chamber.
Other than that your containment procedures are spot on. They do not overstay their welcome, they are written clinically, they hint at the anomaly. Good.
Description:
SCP-XXXX is an entity comprised of mostly stone or other natural but inorganic materials.
Your use of "or" here makes it seem like their composition is variable. If it is not, I would suggest replacing with "and".
Close tissue analysis […]
I thought "tissues" were a purely biological thing? I am not sure how else to word this, but if "tissue" indeed is defined the way I think it is defined, then it needs changing. Same with the use of "tissue" in the containment procedures, now that I think of it.
Whoops
I was moments from finishing this critique, and then I accidentally closed Chrome. I do not have the energy to rewrite all that I said, so I am instead going to summarize. God damn it.
Major things were that Nu-7, "Hammer Down", is overkill and you can find out why here. You don't need tanks and helicopters and a nuclear weapons specialist to contain a rock monster.
Your continued use of "tissue samples" in relation to the rocks this guy is made of causes confusion and raises many questions.
The dialogue in the interview is wooden, mainly on Dr. Leonard's side. Dr. Leonard seems to only ask questions, and does not react organically to Chajine. Extracting information from someone you just imprisoned requires either intimidation or a subtle charisma. Dr. Leonard displays neither. And yes, maybe Chajine is too "simple" for those to be required, but that's how Dr. Leonard would have been trained, methinks.
Your addendum about containment breaches was good, but I think it shouldn't be any longer. Your imagery of how Chajine looks is good, though perhaps not extremely unique (just a good image of a golem type character). His character, nonviolent but driven, is good, and makes his methods of escape more interesting to read because it isn't "kill, kill, kill". There doesn't seem to be a solid conclusion to this article, but I would chalk that up to you saying it's not finished (because you expressed the desire to add more to it).
Your character's motivation is clear and solid, you do feel a sense of progression (necessary for an article) starting at the containment breaches.
Okay, that's about where I was before I was an idiot and closed Chrome. So.
Endings I might endorse; I believe you could end by giving us a grande gesture from the golem, something more than another failed breach attempt. You could give us another interview, showing some change in Chajine's character. A loss of hope… or otherwise. You could have their be some incident that hints at the nature of Qoxtok (possibly existing, possibly not). You could probe Chajine's origins, or possible connected anomalies (maybe Chajine is not the only one?). Many places you could go with this.
That's about all I have to say. Sorry that about half or more of my line-by-line stuff got cut out due to my stupidity. If you edit this draft in a big way and wish for me to take another look, feel free to shoot me a Wikidot PM.
Good luck!
Thanks for the critique! I've made the following changes to the draft:
- I fixed the Item # bolding, thanks for catching that.
- I did not change the dimensions, as the generous amount of space is necessary. See the footnotes in the description for why that is.
- I changed the "or" to "and."
- While I was originally going to go for something along the lines of "He has blood vessels and organs and other stuff but the stone has to move to allow that to work" I think that would be too hard to explain and would bore the reader with the specifics of its anatomy, so I'll scrap it. I changed all the "tissue"s to "material."
I look forward to seeing the rest of your critique, and I'll edit this reply once you come back to it.
Thanks!
also please be advised that I'm currently still developing the Addenda, so they'll probably be garbage while I polish it all
I saw the "generous amounts of space" notes, I think I would say that instead of specific measurements, you should say something like "SCP-XXXX is to be kept in a chamber no smaller than [measurements]", because your measurements are not perfectly necessary. He won't explode if it's a 5.9x8x8 instead of a 6x8x8. So I'd make it a little looser.
You're right. I was stressing myself out over thinking if it could still escape with those dimensions. I've changed it to be no less than 5x5x6m.
Also here's the rest:
- You're right, I aimed for the guy to sound robotic, but giving him some charisma would probably be better. I think I've fixed that. I also changed some of Chajinel's1 lines to make him less ominous and more worried, to hopefully make the interview mean more.
- As for the conclusion and progression of the article, I originally hoped for the Foundation ignoring this mystery XK threat to be enough, but you're right. I've also been toying around with the idea to have another addendum where they request to upgrade him to Keter-class, because of his increasingly clever escape attempts, and for the fact that I'd have him "learn" to use his shapeshifting ability more acutely and proficiently. "What if he figures out that he can condense himself into a black hole?" I think, though, that a loss of hope might benefit the article as well. In the long run, if this article catches traction and works out on the mainlist, I'd hope to write some tales along with it too to show individual researcher's takes on what Chajinel says, to perhaps illustrate the conflict between staff about what action should be taken, if any, about "Qoxtok." In that sense, I think this idea has a load of potential, but for now, I figure a loss of hope conclusion would work. I'll toss the "upgrade to Keter" idea and just write a note about him suddenly ceasing all breach attempts, and possibly entering another hibernation state.
Thanks for the feedback! If any huge changes occur, I'll shoot you a PM.
I've made many changes to the Special Containment Procedures and Description, and I've added another addendum that offers a conclusion to the story, but one that leaves it open to future narrative pursuits. If anyone wants to take a look at it, it would be greatly appreciated.
